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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

paranoid or should I be worried?

23 replies

devonhil · 28/07/2018 17:08

I've been going through a rocky patch with DH (been together 15 years with 3 kids) but had the courage to confront him two weeks ago and he seemed keen to make things work.
He confessed a day later that he had 'met someone', that it wasn't physical but that she was really easy to talk to and he had discussed our relationship and sex life with her). He insists that she knows the score that he's married but I was incredibly upset and have asked him not to talk about me and our relationship with her again. I know they are friends on fb and that he messengers her regularly insisting that he's allowed to have his own friends.
We've been getting on better (and having lots of sex) but I am feeling really anxious and incredibly insecure. She's younger than me and a qualified sex therapist(!). She's also single, very self confident and posts lots of slightly ambiguous posts about relationships (which DH always 'likes' and has sometimes commented on).
I know I shouldn't torture myself as DH insists that he loves me and that there's nothing between them but I suppose I feel he's being emotionally unfaithful if that's a thing?
Am I just being paranoid?

OP posts:
Gobolino80 · 28/07/2018 19:05

He's being incredibly disrespectful. I'd be livid. You absolutely have the right to ask him not to discuss your relationship with this woman. Yes, he does have the right to have friends this is crossing a boundary.

Seaweed42 · 28/07/2018 19:30

Well, people online are always really 'easy' to talk to. All you have to do is type. There are no emotional barriers or body language cues like in real life. How did he meet her on Facebook? If she's a professional therapist who provides treatment to people, she shouldn't be chatting to people about their relationship in a casual way online.

HollowTalk · 28/07/2018 19:33

You know all that sex you've been having, OP? It's called "hysterical bonding." I really wish I'd known that and hadn't wasted years thinking it was love.

He's incredibly disrespectful and I don't think there's any way of coming back from that, I'm afraid.

Thebluedog · 28/07/2018 19:35

It’s almost an emotional affair... I’d be incredibly hurt that he’d prefer to talk to her about your relationship than you.

Also look up hysterical bonding with regards to your sexy life.

I’d be asking him to consider your feelings in all this. Anyone who totally respected their partner would be cutting contact and concentrating on their marrige. Not putting all their effort into talking to a ‘friend’

Original poster
devonhil · 28/07/2018 19:37

thanks for your reply. It's really helpful to have someone saying I have a reason for being upset - DH made me feel bad about objecting, as though I was trying to control his friendships.
The mad thing is that I previously haven't discussed things with my close friends as I felt it would be disrespectful to him! Now he's made it clear such discussions are not off-limit (even to someone he's only just met!) I feel I can open by heart to my closest friend without worry.
Thanks again for your advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
devonhil · 28/07/2018 19:38

Hi Seaweed - they didn't meet online - they met in real life. She lives in a nearby town :(

OP posts:
Original poster
devonhil · 28/07/2018 19:39

thanks Hollowtalk and TheBlueDog - I will check out hysterical bonding, thanks for info

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 28/07/2018 19:46

mmm..tell him you have discussed your relationship with a male friend you have just met. I wonder if he will be happy? Not on.

Original poster
devonhil · 28/07/2018 19:53

thanks Never, I did say something similar to him - asking him to think about how he would feel if it was the other way round. He did admit it would have hurt...

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 28/07/2018 20:12

Do you think he is talking to her for sex advice?

neveradullmoment99 · 28/07/2018 20:13

Regardless, its hurtful and he should stop. Your feelings and realationship should come first.

neveradullmoment99 · 28/07/2018 20:14

Its nothing to do with limiting his friendships. He has shared intimacies. The relationship has to end.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 28/07/2018 20:22

I'd be very tempted to book an appointment with her. If she's a friend of your marriage she'll be keen to help, and once you've discussed what you need, your DH could come along too. And otherwise, well, it would be very unprofessional of her to be Facebook flirting with a client's husband...

Original poster
devonhil · 28/07/2018 20:26

this is not very sisterly of me but.... I trust the other woman less than DH - she seems very predatory and they clearly talk a lot.
Never - I think he is finding it exciting having someone to talk about sex with (apart from me) and that is a powerful thing. I want to believe that she is being helpful offering advice but I can't stop the feeling that she has ulterior motives which are not so honourable.

OP posts:
Original poster
devonhil · 28/07/2018 20:41

I have just asked DH to break contact with her (temporarily at least). Ironically, as I was discussing it a notification from her pinged up on his computer! He has agreed (reluctantly) but says he understands that it is causing me, and our marriage, a lot of hurt.
Needless to say, I'm now feeling guilty....

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 28/07/2018 21:31

Do not feel guilty OP, I wish I had seen years ago how much my H commented on someone else’s page , nip it in the bud now

neveradullmoment99 · 28/07/2018 21:34

He should put you first. He has to end contact. If nor, he is putting his relationship with her above your feelings and your marriage. Then you will see if it continues that he sadly does not value that enough.

Didsomeonesaybunny · 28/07/2018 21:41

I really wouldn’t be ok with this. It’s happened to me but my bf was confiding in a woman he had briefly dated when we had split up for a few months.

If the other woman is truly platonic then maybe she will be objective about her advice but ime his ex was constantly trying to poison the well and it caused problems in our relationship.

EvaHarknessRose · 28/07/2018 21:59

Take care. Don’t think of yourself as paranoid or demanding - think of yourself as someone expecting respect in an equal realtionship who will end it if not respected.

untilthatday · 28/07/2018 22:10

Sorry if I missed this in the thread but how did he actually meet this sex therapist?
Is she an actual qualified sex and relationship therapist or is she a sex worker who calls herself a sex therapist? (Some do).
I'd be fucking furious if my partner was meeting other women in real life and then chatting to them constantly online about our relationship problems.a decent and genuine therapist should not behave like this.

Thinkingofausername1 · 28/07/2018 22:14

I wouldn't be happy with this. Be wary if he starts sticking up for her too. I have not been happy with my dh for sticking up for a colleague, I'm finding threatening and I'm questioning our relationship at the moment. I hope you manage to overcome this and he will reassure you. Thanks

DrCoconut · 28/07/2018 22:18

In my experience these things seldom end well. In 2013 we went through a similar thing. We are now divorcing as his addiction to pursuing other women online is too much. He swore he'd stopped and hadn't.

FishingIsNotASport · 28/07/2018 22:27

How do you know she is a qualified sex therapist? Check out her credentials and her practice. I highly doubt she is. How did they meet? If I caught my husband discussing our sex life with another woman I would be livid.

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