Don't make decisions as a team

[Ilovecakeandtea]

I have been with DH for 5 years. DH is so disorganised and expects me to pick up for it and will never include me in any decisions for our life together and for the last two years we have had the same fight about it 3-4 times a week and it's seriously getting me down.

We have a two year old and he has an eleven year old with his ex. Both of us work. My LO adores their sibling. DSS with us every weekend.

He won't keep himself updated with what is happening with his son's life etc so he only actually finds out about things like parties, events he will only tell me about a few hours before and expects me to have our lo on my own whilst he is going to all these events. I'm happy to sometimes but he expects it all the time even when I'm in the middle or end of night shifts, and sometimes 2-3 days in a row after I finish work and I'm exhausted. He never offers to give me a rest or even thanks me for it. Half the time at events he will text me to say he is staying later as he got times wrong. He says it's my responsibility to do this. He also cancels plans for all four of us to accommodate his son making last minute plans with his friends.

We are having a tough time financially so I did some budgeting ideas and meal plans, asked what he thought and he agreed. He will then use money in food shop to buy lots of sweets and treats when we are trying to sort out finances. He wants to retire and to live on one wage but won't make necessary financial choices and I end up doing overtime to give a buffer.

He will always put his ex feelings before mine and I don't know why.

Anytime I plan changes to work, DD etc I always check with him because it impacts him. He will never do the same with me. He constantly changes his son's scheduled time over (dropping him off earlier/BN later/ less days/ more days) which again isn't an issue most of the time but sometimes we might have made plans that mean it isn't always possible to accommodate last minute pick ups so they get cancelled. He says it's easier for him.

I organise my work around him, my whole life, everything of DD . I have told him so many times that we all forget occasionally but when it's all the time it isn't forgetting. I feel so down and exhausted. I don't like him like this and sometimes I think I'm blowing it all out of proportion and sometimes I worry I'm a pushover.

Bluntly, you're a pushover.

He wants you to run his family, pay for his retirement and his family and you get what out of this?

I suspect you need to spend a while considering your options and making decisions that will be to your own benefit!

Thank you for your reply. Again I swing from thinking I'm being ott because it's "just an hour extra" or "just an extra £10" etc to being tired from having no down time and resentful that I can't plan any of my own life.

He will always put his ex feelings before mine and I don't know why.

Er because I’m guessing because you offer less resistance —pushover— and he’s a lazy, selfish, entitled arse.

There, I’ve answered your question, however the question you should be asking is ‘why the fuck have I put with this’? Your accommodation of his bullshit is the reason he keeps treating you this way.

Stop waiting for the a different him to turn up and start having more self respect for yourself by not accommodating his bullshit, the balls in your court, not his.

Thank you for the advice. I have been thinking that I really don't want to be with him anymore. I told him everything so many times and he promises to change and doesn't. He says all the right things yet continues. I had decided in my head I will give it a month and during this time I will get legal advice etc but I think it's gone on so long I just don't feel the same about him.

How old are you both? If he’s considering retiring already then I assume he’s in his late 50’s but that you’re quite a bit younger?

How happy are you that he basically lives off you and whatever pension he can put together? I would have thought you’d come to resent it, especially as it could be a number of years before you’re in a position to retire too.

Hi he is 20+ years older than me (don't want to put exact numbers as may be too outing as DH knows I use this).

Basically you are his housekeeper and future meal ticket...

Was DD planned/wanted by him?

DD was a planned baby.

He's got no respect for you.

So perhaps he thought you'd be trapped and available to pick up all the slack...? His future secure knowing you were tied to him!

I cannot see this getting any better for you in the near future- in fact worse long term with his current attitude and future plans (ie his retirement with you doing all the work/financials). I think you should consider a break (not mentioning this to him yet), get your financials sorted out incl seeing what benefits you’d be entitled to if/when you left the relationship, possible new housing available, legal advice etc and ensuring you have your own non-joint bank accounts so you are properly prepared if you decide to leave the relationship. Don’t leave things too long or you may be presented with a fait accompli by him which might make you think twice about moving on.

Fait accompli?

I used a mortgage online calculator and I could buy him out of the house. I'm not sure what % of house I'm entitled to as whilst we own together before we bought together he already owned 33% (we bought out his ex).

I don't think he'd be willing for me to buy him out but as I work around him it's me that takes our DD to her nursery etc and the fact my work and her nursery is within walking distance to house makes things easier. I'm not sure how I could do it if I lived a drive away as I work nights too and she has nursery in am and private nursery in pm.

The last time he left it last minute to check his son's activity was just after I finish nights. He said it finished at a set time so I agreed I'd have DD then he take over when home as sleep all over the place (discussed 10am when I got home, event that evening). DD was in nursery that day, DH was off and when I woke up he hadn't even attempted to do any housework. I said it was so inconsiderate given I was post nights and resting and then immediately with DD and he had whole day off and couldn't even do any of the house just watched TV then was going straight to event. Top it off he then said he got the times wrong and would be back later. It sounds trivial but this is what it's like and it is so frustrating. It was worse as because DD was in nursery she missed us both. So DH had promised me he would do her bath and bed, didn't happen as he decided he was staying later and it was my responsibility and DD misses her dad as she is asleep when he comes back.