I have been in a relationship for the past two years following a long EA marriage. During my marriage I never spoke up for myself and instead swallowed all the hurt and disrespect I felt. I have been determined to be different in my current relationship but my dp's reaction to anything negative I say makes it really difficult.
If he hurts my feelings (e.g. by forgetting really important things that are happening in my life, or not helping or supporting me in the way I would hope a partner would), no matter how calmly and objectively I try to talk to him about it afterwards (rather than sulking and feeling resentful which I don't want to do) he either flatly denies doing what I am talking about or becomes very defensive, saying I am always 'going for him' and coming out with awful stuff like comparing me to my ex. He makes me out to be unreasonable and unnecessarily argumentative, whereas I feel I'm just trying to have a healthier relationship than my marriage was. It all gets hugely out of proportion and in the end I have to push down my hurt feelings in order for us to move on.
I'm a relatively quiet person, don't feel I go looking for conflict, and if I am told I have hurt someone I will say sorry and try not to do it again, which is all I want from dp really.
This situation happens every couple of weeks at the moment. Lately I have been saying fine, let's finish because I'm getting so tired of it, but then he is suddenly all repentant and caring again. I don't really believe it any more though. I don't look forward to spending time with him now even when things are calm because it feels like a pretence. I feel like he doesn't respect me really but puts on a caring front because he needs to be in a relationship at all costs.
I'm sorry this is so long. I guess my question is am I indeed damaged and difficult due to my EA marriage? Do people just ignore and keep going when their partners hurt them and I'm just making a big fuss when I try to discuss it? I just don't know any more. Any views would be really welcome.