How soons too soon to introduce partners to dc?

[CandiedPeach]

I know I’m probably twisting myself in knots other nothing, but it’s a issue I really struggle with.

I was seeing bf around 6 months and just started planning small introductions to dd (not yet 2). We were thinking park meet ups that type of thing, he never actually met her. Then we split up, honestly because I got a bit freaked out about how I was feeling about him and I’d not expected to feel like that so soon after splitting up with DD’s dad. We stayed friends and ended up getting back together, it’s been a few months now.

I feel like without him meeting dd, he doesn’t really fully know me or have any idea of what a potential future together might be like. It feels like we’re in this bubble of only seeing each other when she’s with her dad and it’s not real. But I feel like I’d be a bad mother introducing her to a new bf, whom I’ve already spilt up with once. And I’m concerned about what people would think, even though I know it’s none of their business.

I’ve known him longer than we’ve been together a good few years and he’s happy to go at whatever pace I want.
I just don’t know! I really like him but still feel like we’re only dating but don’t see how that will change unless I let him into my life a little more. And he’s a teacher so he’s around a fair bit more at the moment and it seems a shame that we can’t see each other a little more often throughout the holidays.

And I don’t think DD’s Dad will be happy with him meeting her. So that’s a worry and I do want to consider his feelings in this!

But I only get every other weekend when DD’s with him. And then it’s often only Saturday am to Sunday pm, so one night!
It feels like my romantic life (and social life) is on hold, but maybe that’s just the way it’s is as a single mum.

Are you able to take to your ex about it? Or is that too uncomfortable? If you can talk to him it might be nice to just tell him and ask his opinion and kindly explain if he’d met someone else you’d also like the same courtesy and see how he reacts?
It’s a big decision introducing children to a new partner, I think if your serious about him little introductions like park trips won’t do any harm at this stage. He’s willing to go at your pace which is fab sounds like a good guy

And I’m probably just down, because DD’s Dad can’t collect her until later today (work reasons so genuine, but too short notice to arrange anything else) So I’ve missed my morning activity and had to cancel lunch with my bf! It’s rainy here, so not much to do with dd and I really need to do a food shop, so now have to take a grumpy toddler who wants her daddy with me!

We did talk before Ruby and he wasn’t keen on the idea. No real reason, other than not wanting another man in DD’s life. When we got back together he did mention that he thought I should wait longer, seen as I obviously wasn’t sure about him to have broken up with him.

Ex is good and will offer to ‘babysit’ so I can go out through the week. But he’s self employed and really busy at the moment and can’t really say no to work when it’s there, so doesn’t have dd as often as he’d like.

And he is such a good guy Ruby. Dd wasn’t well recently and I had to cancel on him (was an event with his friends too). He was great about it, like he was today when I cancelled lunch. And he even dropped off some chocolate for the both of us and a CBeebies magazine for dd.

He sounds like a lovely guy! I think a lot of men feel funny about having another man in their child’s lives but will get over it eventually. He’s possibly worried that due to a bush work life he isn’t seeing DD as much as he’d like and worries that new man would be spending more time with his daughter than he is.
It’s a tough decision but I think it’s ultimately your decision and if you think it’s time then I don’t see what harm can come from a few park trips and Causual meetings.
I think your doing really well to be managing to date as a single parent it can’t be easy, dating alone is hard enough then throw a child into the mix and it just harder so try not to get too down about it sounds to me like your doing really well

I think that’s exactly it Ruby although ex could prioritise dd more if he really wanted to. He still has the default of ‘oh candied takes care of dd’ he’s got better but still some way to go. I think I might bite the bullet and talk to him when he collects dd, he should be feeling somewhat guilty for being so late!

And I’m probably just down, because DD’s Dad can’t collect her until later today (work reasons so genuine, but too short notice to arrange anything else) So I’ve missed my morning activity and had to cancel lunch with my bf! It’s rainy here, so not much to do with dd and I really need to do a food shop, so now have to take a grumpy toddler who wants her daddy with me!

it does sound like you consider the main part of your life to be the bits without your DD, and that if you are stuck with her, your life is on hold until she has been taken off your hands.

I don't really see how bringing her into your relationship fits in with that?

I definitely don’t consider the main part of my life to be the buts without dd! I’m just annoyed today because I had plans, ex is supposed to collect dd Friday I knew he couldn’t this week (it’s not often he can) which was fine. But he was suppose to collect at 9am and he text at 9:20 to say he’d be late. First it was a hour now it’s after lunch!

When I know I’ve got dd, we have lots planned and I make sure food shops done online.
This morning made me think, if she’d met bf she could just come out for lunch with us and we could have a walk round the museum near by afterwards.

that makes more sense

Ex (who’s only just collected dd) was surprisingly ok with the idea. But he wants to meet bf too! He suggested tomorrow, he’s taking dd to the pub for lunch before he brings her home and he said why don’t me and bf meet them there for a drink. Not quite sure about that, bfs coming round tonight so I’ll talk to him about it.

Do you think your ex will be introducing you to any future girlfriends?

And I am all for holding off on kids meeting new partners, would never be any earlier then 6 months for me. But... when that day came, I sure wouldn’t want my ex there for that first meeting. If all goes well, that’s a big day for you to look back on in the future. Do you want your ex in that particular picture. If you go along with him meeting your DP, do it without DD. Have that moment, just the three of you.

Reads a little bit to me like your ex calls the shots a bit too much.

He says he will freeto and knowing him it wouldn’t be something he minds doing. I don’t think I’d want to though, not in the way he’s suggesting anyway.

I’m happy for them to meet if it’s natural, so if bfs here and ex drops dd off, I’ll happily say bf this is DD’s Dad, ex this is bf, the end. Same goes meeting his, if I collect dd and she’s there or seen as he drops off mostly of she’s in the car, I’d think it would be nice for her to come to the door for a quick hi and bye.

I don’t think ex is calling the shots though, we get on and have been for drinks together since we’ve split, so it’s not a ridiculous notion. He’s worried about someone else in DD’s life and I get that and I do feel a bit guilty, so I’m probably giving him a bit too much say for that reason.

I just can’t imagine being stood chatting with ex and new bf though, so I’ve said no to that option.
If ex really wants to meet him before, he can here tomorrow when he drops dd off. Although I’d prefer him not meeting dd at home, we’ll just do a hi and then he’ll go. On Monday we’re going to go to a lovely little ice cream parlour that’s got a outdoor play area, it’s nice but not somewhere you spend ages so thought it would work well and dd loves ice cream just like her mama

Most awkward few minutes of my life, but it’s done. Bf said hi to ex, ex said hi to bf. Dd seemed completely unaware and just wanted to show me a teddy her daddy had bought her. I’m going to count tomorrow as bf meeting dd and I’m now feeling very calm at the prospect.

At that age fairly soon is fine they won't know any difference from just being a friend. Just keep displays of affection like holding hands and kissing away from sight for a while still.

Did they say hello to each other and that was it?

Id say a year after you got back together but only if no huge issues.
Tbh if done in drip by drip i dont think it is so important though, it doesnt have to be a massive thing especially with small children. But please, no public displays of affection for a ling time, no hand holding, cuddles or kissing. It will be uncomfortable and unfair.
But you deserve a relationship and to be happy. Your ex will be ok with it when it's right.
I think you should see marriage as pretty certain, for kids to be fully involved ie moving them in, most family activities to include them.

Ignore clare they were just being snarky

Basically freeto, I said to ex if it really mattered that he’d met him first he could do so before he left today. So when he brought dd back, bf was getting ready to leave. They said a hi, nice to meet you and then bf went.

I don’t do public displays of affection anyway, even without dd with us. Not my thing at all! Bf would usually kiss me goodbye, but obviously didn’t today.

No plans for moving in for a very long time, very very long time! But I’ve no plans to ever marry so it won’t be when marriage is on the cards.

If that was the extent of the meeting, I really don’t see why your ex felt it was necessary.

He’d have preferred more of a chat freeto, but what on earth about I don’t know, he did ask him about his job, but already knew he was a teacher so don’t know why. He at least seems a bit more comfortable now he’s got a face to a name though and it keeps the peace.

I moved in with my girlfriend and her two daughters when the youngest was 2.

Their dad asked to meet me before hand. It was awkward but I felt it was fair enough - if I'd be seeing potentially more of his children than he would then it seemed like a small concession to make for him.

The two year old is four now and doesn't remember daddy living at home or even me not living there. She still has no doubts who her dad is, even though he only has them two nights every other weekend. I am obviously very close to her now and actively engaged in her life - but it's so clear that it's not replacing her dad. I think it would have been more confusing for her if it had begun around the 3 or 4yr stage to be honest.

The other girl was 6, and her amazing positivity to the relationship from the start was so overwhelming I think we honestly just count ourselves very lucky and file it under 'unique case' rather than use it as a marker to advise anyone else...

Why don't you just introduce as a friend?
Your child will not no the difference and your ex wouldn't need to be involved until you decide to take it to the next step.
I have had a similar situation but the other way round. If you don't introduce then you will not be 100% sure if it would be right for both parties.

What age did you first meet your girlfriends girls NewLevels?
I know dd won’t remember her dad living with us, she wasn’t even one when he left and I do get his concerns, not that I’ve plabs for bf to move in anytime soon. But even without him living with me, he will potentially see more of dd than her dad.