My dad is sick and there's so much drama.

[Howveryrude]

Hi everyone,
My dad is very poorly (cancer) he has been through months of chemo and just had major surgery and more chemo will follow.
I am very close to him so the news of this cancer was a shock and I found it very hard to deal with at first.
I live far away from him so couldn't really visit as would mean an over night stay and he just wasn't well enough. Spoke to him most days though.
Anyway, he has dealt with it all brilliantly.
I went up recently to spend a week with my DSM while he was in hospital having surgery as she is disabled and needed help with the visits to the hospital. And obviously I wanted to be there for him etc.
Now here is the thing. My DSM has always been a little dramatic, I get along with her incredibly well. But I have found it all a bit difficult. Every bloody appointment has been posted on Facebook, so much so I deleted my account because I couldn't bare seeing him looking so Ill all of the time.
I started receiving messages from people I hadn't seen in years saying how sorry they were about my dad etc and I just found the whole thing massively intrusive.
We were sat in intensive care my dad was totally out of it and she started to take photos of him. I really felt uncomfortable about it all, luckily a nurse stepped in and said no that he had a right to privacy and not to take photos or post them on social media.
All she did was just read all the messages she had from all the people on Facebook saying how wonderful it is how people are all wishing them well.
I hate myself for saying it, but it's like the attention she is getting is more important than my dad's or my privacy.
(I don't think he minds though, not that he would say anything if he did.)
He may be her husband but he is my dad and I am going through all of this too. But it's all about how she is dealing with it, how she is doing. I don't really know what I aim to get from this post really.
I just feel a bit angry.
I feel like any information I get about my dad's condition will be an over dramatized version of what has been said. Thankfully I can call him directly now so he just tells me how it is, and not with a dramatic build up to the story if that makes sense?
He was in surgery we kept busy I bent over backwards to keep things positive and support her, we got the call to say he was in recovery and it had gone well, there was a dramatic wail and falling to the floor from her.
I don't know whether I am just a bit more reserved but I just found myself thinking FFS woman, pull yourself together.
I guess I just feel like, I could've done with a bit of support too.
Towards the end of the week, I couldn't wait to get home. She became bad tempered and nasty (I understand she is stressed) but so am I.
I just can't cope with the drama of it all. I just want my dad to recover and be happy and healthy. It just feels like this will be dined out on for years to come. And believe me I feel like a shit for saying that, I know it sounds awful.
Urgh, I just needed to get it out I think.

You sound lovely and yes she’s behaving drama llama-y I was discussing a very similar dynamic just this evening (child and step parent) and we realised why it’s so fraught in this situation even when relationships are usually great. ring theory- you’re both ‘competing’ and neither is well equipped to support the other. Try and hold it together rather than dump on your Dad when he recovers, and find a good receptacle for your dumping out!

Yes that's exactly it. I would never dream of telling my dad any of this. My DH took one look at me when I returned and said oh god was it bad? So he knew how dramatic the whole thing was. I guess she is dealing with it her way, out in public for everyone to know every detail where as I just want to deal with it privately. And if and when he gets better, we all just move on from it, especially my dad. She is a dweller and I don't want him dwelling on it all. If that makes sense.
I did say I felt uncomfortable with it being all over Facebook and she pretty much ignored what I said. It is very odd.

first of all I am sorry you are going through this and I hope your dad is feeling better soon.

This post is so so similar to my own story about four years ago, but it was my DM behaving this way, rather than step mum.

Even now she manages to make the whole situation more about her and her feelings than about my dad. After each appointment every phone call starts with dramatic sobs and a massive build up that left me feeling sick in the pit of my stomach thinking it was bad news when it wasn’t at all.

I can completely understand your stress, and you don’t sound terrible for anything you have said. I found for me the only way I could deal with it was to go low contact with her for a while, but obviously this was afterwards, once my dad’s treatment was over. It was the worst times of my life, but my mum dined out on it for years, and still is (except the last few weeks she has found a new drama in my brother having an affair so at least the record has changed slightly)

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to offer more advice, it’s just such a shitty time, and is being made so much worse for you by your step mums behaviour. I just wanted to reach out to let you know you aren’t alone

I know this all too well. Everything in life is a means to get more attention on me me me. It's like they have no empathy, no soul, no recognition of other people as living thinking feeling entities.

Your dad knows what she's like. You don't have to protect him.

It is good to vent. You can't change it though. Got to keep some distance to stay sane.

Thanks so much treesaw, as awful as it sounds it does help knowing I am not the only one to feel like this.
The part with the calling to see how appointments had gone was the worst as like your mum there was the dramatic build up and I was a mess by the time we got to the actual information and it was always positive by the end, but then we had to be reminded by her how it might not have been positive, how the outcome could've been awful. But it wasn't it was fine!
I think keeping contact low is a good idea, thankfully now my dad is out of intensive care I can call him while he is on the ward. As he will be in hospital for a few more weeks, so I get proper information.

Thank you rabbits, yes she won't change now. I think for my own sanity distance is good. My dad wears hearing aids in both ears now I know why he "forgets" to put them in.

that’s good that you can contact your dad directly, that might help a little by not feeding the drama. It’s so difficult when you have family like this, and it’s still something I am struggling with now.

I hope you feel a little better to know you aren’t alone, and PM me if you need to let off any steam. It’s so hard to stay strong for your dad when you’re slowly being driven crazy by this

Thank you Treesaw, I appreciate that.

Oh that sounds very hard op

I have a friend going through cancer for the second time (we met as cancer patients the first time!) and she is like your step mother. Drama drama drama. It's already dramatic enough!

I also find it very confusing (and of course monstrously draining) bcs her reports conflict so I don't know wtf is going on - should I be mourning or rejoicing?

I don't know, some people are attention junkies. I would find all that wailing etc completely intolerable. There was a guy doing it in 24hrs in A+E and I don't know how his partner could stand it.

At least you can talk directly to your dad now - phew. I hope he makes a wonderful recovery op

Thank you springy. He is doing great, and it's nice to have a chat with him daily. It is incredibly draining having all the extra drama to deal with, it must be for him too. Poor guy.