My dh is an unsociable/rude so-and-so when it suits him. Getting tired of it

[Nicol06]

Dh has been a pretty good husband in many ways, but he has a habit of not making ANY effort at all if we are somewhere he doesn't want to be. For instance, family gatherings (mine and his), or getting together with my parents who are lovely easy-going people and have tried for years to develop some kind of relationship with him. He just sits there with a deadpan look on his face and doesn't talk. If someone speaks to him, he'll answer in a few short words but then he'll just go quiet again. No attempt to make people feel welcome or comfortable. He's even like this when we're with certain friends of mine - even though they've done nothing to him, most of the time he doesn't make any effort to be sociable to them. It doesn't help that he looks quite stern and sounds condescending when he speaks. This has been mentioned to me by people countless times over the years we've been married.

On the other hand, when we're with HIS friends or colleagues, he's like a different person. Laughing, chatty, sociable - really makes an effort with people, even the life of the party in some cases. And before anyone suggests that he might be shy - it's not that. He has a very responsible corporate job which requires him to deal with a lot of different people, he even does public speaking on a regular basis. I just think he only makes an effort with people when they're in his comfort zone or his 'acceptance' zone. I'm sick of making excuses for him when we go out. The number of times people have said to me 'What's wrong with your dh, he's not talking very much' or 'Doesn't he like me/us?' or 'it must be uncomfortable for you when your dh treats other people like that'. etc etc etc.

We took my parents out to dinner a few weeks ago and he didn't say a word to them, just sat there looking unimpressed. They can't understand why he's still like this with them after all these years, when they've tried so hard. I should be used to him by now but sometimes it really upsets me - and I've tried talking to him about it, but nothing changes. Are anyone else's husbands or partners like this??!! I find it so rude. When I'm with HIS family or friends, I always make an effort to be nice, even though I don't always FEEL like it.

you've posted very early, you ok?

My dh is similar to this, but nowhere near so extreme. W moved 7 years ago and have made no new friends. I've made a few, and there were invitations as a couple - he refused every single one, now they've dried up. He won't even water the garden/mow the lawn in case he has to say hello to the neighbours. I was talking to 1 neighbour a few weeks ago who's only seen my dh once ever - we've lived here almost 3 years. S mine isn't ride like yours, but avoids social contact.

Yet he also does public speaking, has to deal with many others with his job and is gregarious life-and-soul type with his mates.

I tackled him once about it, and was amazed when he told me he was shy, as I honestly would never have thought it. Just because he has to do public speaking doesn't rule out shyness, as it's a different type of contact.

Sorry, lots of waffle, I guess I'm trying to say, you're not alone, my dh similar. Don't rule out shyness. But it isn't an excuse for rudeness - your dh's behaviour is unacceptable. Strangely, my dh better with my family than his - he gets too annoyed and therefore rude and snappy with his, whereas with mine he can detatch from it.

But you must speak to him and make him see it's unnacceptable and get him to agree on a minimum level of behaviour. It's very uspetting. I'm cringing at the memory of some similar experiences

Will be interested to hear other suggestions. Maybe we could lock our 2 dh's in a box together?

Not my DH, but my sister's exH was very like this - it played a small part in why they split up. He was v. gregarious and outgoing with his mates/family, but with our family, we always felt as if it was a real drag for him when he had to spend time with us (and I think we're nice people!). He made it very obvious he couldn't wait to get away, and it spoiled many family gatherings.

It is rude.

You wouldn't put up with it from a child.

It is unnecessary.

He needs to grow up and realise how much this hurts you.

he's being rude and offensive. i wonder if you can rig up a video camera at your parents and also video him with his friends so he can actually see. a camera phone will do the job.

perhaps he doesn't realise how bad it looks?

at any rate, he needs a kick up the arse.

Does he actually have friends? or they more work colleagues?

My BIL is like this. he cannot socialise at all and sits mute. But he is a very successful salesman and at work seems to have a very different persona. He can play the businessman role comfortably but when that is taken away and it's just social he dries up to the point of rudeness.

He has no actual friends.

He's great at being assertive, complaining in restuarants, organising people, and takes charge in a crisis. but small talk seems to petrify him. It does come across as rude though and ignorant. I can't shake the feelng an adult man should have developed some basic skills to deal with these situations without seeming rude.

Shyness is a good excuse for rudeness in children but not really in adults imo.

My dh is like this too, we moved to Berlin over a year and a half ago and he hasn't made any effort to find friends or even communicate outside work and the house. I've made an effort to make friends, talk to the neighbours etc but he wouldn't dream of going round to one of my friends house even when her husband specifically wants to get to know us all as a family.
I always put it down to his stressfull job, he has to give lectures or presentations too and I know he isn't shy so I just think he can't be bothered to use more of the time he has so little of anyway to socialize.
I don't know of a solution but you know you're not the only one atleast with an anti social dh!

This sounds very like my h - unfortunately my xh. He made some efforts with my mum as he liked her - enough to talk a lot about how much money he was earning, anyway. But if we were with friends or family he didn't like, he just didn't talk or made a few 'funny' comments before wanting to leave, or sat there with a Mona Lisa smile. I am still angry with him (and myself) for spoiling my mum's 65th birthday party.

No answers I'm afraid - I left xh for other reasons so never got around to try to sort it out. I don't think he would have seen it from my point of view - some people don't seem to see that people have a value beyond how immediately interesting/useful they are to themselves. God i remember an awful christmas when both my dad and my xh told me individually how much effort they were making to be nice to each other. Did they want a fr*gging gold medal for being adults?

As others say, he is an adult and can learn a few tricks to make conversation with family, even if he is shy. TBH I would go without him if he can't behave like a reasonable human.

sorry, this has touched a nerve, maybe you can tell!

My dh is like this, not as extreme, he does talk to my family but, with other people he can be rather abrupt.
I don't have a solution, I'm afraid, he is how he is. Although it doesn't help that he has one of those faces where you can tell exactly what he is thinking. So if he thinks someone is a tosser, you (and they) can tell that is what he is thinking.
I sympathise with you, I personally am sick of nagging him about it!!

That's just rude. Why not try sitting in silence when you're out with him with people you don't like. We can all be nice to people who are dreadfully boring. I've often done it.

I like the videoing idea.

Not read the whole thread but is he shy. My dp can be like this sometimes with new people and his only conributions to discussion was - is it time to go home yet. THis used to infuriate me and looked very rude but he just found socal situations with new people excruciating.