Hi mumsnetters,
This is my first thread although I am on here constantly reading everyone elses. I’m nervous about posting as its longggg but its took me about a month to find the guts to do it so I’d love and appreciate all your advice so much!
I’ve been with my partner 9 years as I fell pregnant with my first child at 18 and so we were threw together kind of thing after that. i do know we wouldn’t be together today if it wasn’t for my children.
Anyway Our relationship was always on-off through out the first 3 years of my first child life and then he left when she was 3 and I was devastated but still young so I dodnt really know what normal life should be at this time, anyway i picked myself up and got on with it accepting it was over until 3 months later he asked for me back so eventually moved back in - all was good for the next 3 years and I fell pregnant early 2015, had my second child in the novemeber who was ill at the start of his first few months and had to have an op and since then ive been very paranoid about life and not depressed but more down than I ever was before I had him, thinking of the future and deeper into things. I’ve not been happy in my relationship since really. I remember jan 2nd 2017 crying to someone close about how unhappy I was and new I didnt want it and she said I had to do something this has went on too long - took me till august to tell him It was over, that id fell out of love with him and that it wasnt him it was me. He was devastated and moved back out. I was sooo much happier and a boy ive new for years got in contact through social media (not knowing if i was or wasnt single) (he knows my partner from school. I was excited that someone was interested and loved when he contacted , we areanged to meet up but that never happened and one day he just stopped contacting so I left it there not to be a loon I wasnt going to ask why but still thought of him and wondered why out the blue he stopped. Anyway I think this may have been the trigger point where all of a sudden maybe a month later i started missing my ex and eventually - after i knew (or thought) I was sure - told him. He was delighted and wanted back straight away but I said no its not a good idea lets take ot slow. The first few months until maybe feb/march were good again and exciting and then suddenly I had loads going on that made me quite stressed (not to do woth him just life in general , studying, home etc) I fell back to feeling the way I felt before. Then in May the guy I was apeaking to on social media from school contacted again asking if i was out that night - I was and we were at the same place, I spoke to him and he made me so excited to see him, I know its ridiculous but there was just something about him i dont know what it is he not drop dead gorgeous or anything and i never once spoke to him in school so this is all soooo random!!! Anyway nothing happened i never would have done a thing anyway but i feel obviously talking is enough! He messaged over the next week or 2 and as I was moving home I decided no if im excited by this I cannot do this to my partner and so I ended it. After this boy went off the face of the earth again but continues to like pictures on social med etc. I left it at that and thought no im done cant be dealing with this nonsence from boys im 26 and have kids! That was that with him. I then started missing my ex again and told him and he came back within about a week. Please dont shoot me down i know i was wrong its totally messing someone around and im so sensitive to peoples feelings so have no clue why im doing this i really dont and that why i need your help!? That was start of june and hes been here since but now im back at the point where ive tried and just know I cant do it no more. I dont want to sleep with him - sleep on the sofa regularly, everything he does irritates me - such as breathing - its insane theres no need i just moan all the time because im obviously frustrated but my peoblem is. Hea not a bad person, he would do anything for anyone and gets on really well with my family but they and my friends all know he doesnt make me happy, hes a moody bugger half the time, spends his money as soon as he gets it at the end of the month then borrows off family members or asks me to borrow off my family members for him till next pay day. I’m studying just now so skint more than ever but im ocd with money and Hate borrowing only do this if i really need to and hate that i know for a fact hes never gona be able to buy a mortgage woth me one day because he dwindles money away like noones business. Dont get me wrong he pays half the bills but doesnt contribute any other way - school uniform, haircuts, takeaways when we get one its usually me, we never do things together but to be honest id rather do things with kids friends or family members because we have nothing to talk about. Also hes always right he can never be wrong and drives me insane with this. And lastly - I know i dont want to spend the rest of my life with him or if he asked me to marry him I wouldnt want to say yes which obviously tells mw my answer. Not that he would wver have money to buy me a bloomin ring in the forst place. Ive always hated the thought of marriage but now just recently realised - seeing some friends get engaged and married - i would LOVE to get married, go on romantic holidays or weekends but just not with him. I know i sound terrible but need to let out exactly how i feel to someone who doesnt know me and know yous are all great with advice. But why cant i just let him go and stop being ao selfish. Why do i miss him when he goes? Is it just him as a peeson i miss? Im so lost and confused with it all and its really getting me down but i know when i end it its for the last time for sure 100% - he also would never xome back (too right). I think my concern is i know were more like friend and am so scared of loosing him as a person- we were originally friends to start with at school. I also think im horrible for splitting my family yp and because opf this he’ll end up happy married etc in years to come (which i know will happen and want to happen for him) hes so handsome and generous i just dont love him but wish i did! And feel like ill end up lonely and single forever and my kids resenting me for doing it and everyone saying told you so. Im also generally scared to be on my own never have - apart from aug-dec last year which i adored until something changed and i asked him back. Wish i stuck to my guns and tried to get through the lonely nights - thats another problem the lonliness and also being so skint studying trying to better myself for my kids - next year i will qualify and have a job ect but that could possiibly be whats making me scared to leave now because my life isnt properly settled yet - which is also selfish.
Im so sorry for rambling but wanted to let everything out feel like im talking to myself. Please reply with some advice if anyone actually gets to them end of this book ive wrote!
Thanks xx