Dating: what do you do when he slowly pulls away?

[AngieNeri]

Hi all, I'd love to get some perspective on this topic, as I am currently going through something similar.

Scenario: you have been dating a guy for a few weeks or months, but you are not in the relationship stage yet. While at the beginning he was really proactive and "into you", you feel like they guy is gradually pulling away and putting less effort into you: he reaches out less often, when he invites you out it is "to hang out at his" as opposed to nice dates out, his texts are less thoughtful and more generic, he disappears for a couple of days while being away for work, and so on.

What do you think is the appropriate reaction to this scenario? Do you pull away just as much? Do you end it with a "sorry this is not working, bye" text? Do you try to be more proactive in an attempt to revive the situation?

In your experience, what is the best way to handle a guy who is gradually pulling away?

Thank you for your kind replies!

I'm old and grumpy so I'd have no patience with this. You could ask him if he's lost interest, and if so agree to end it. But if he can't talk to you about whatever the reason is, you don't have much of a relationship.

I wouldn't bother trying to revive such a new relationship, it should be easy at this stage. And to be honest, if I even suspected that he was playing games I'd be off anyway- this kind of wankery gets worse, not better as time goes on.

Yes, what Dontdribble said. Early on in a relationship it should be fun, not this.

Just let him go, it's not worth it.

If he's the sort that wants you to make all the running and this is some kind of attempt on his part to get you to chase after him, then that's another reason to not bother with him either.

let him go because of exactly what dontdribble said

I wouldn't bother with any official ending

It really depends. You don't talk much about what you have been doing. Has the relationship so far been like he chases you, he gets in touch, he organizes and plans dates? Or has it been equal?

He might be pulling back because he thinks he is chasing you too much and you are not reciprocating. Only you can be the judge of that. Or he could be thinking that he has you where he wants you and no more effort is required. He might be in the relationship stage already. Or he might be an asshole only after the thrill of the chase and now getting steady sex.

Also what have you been doing on your dates? Dinner and theatre and so on? Have you organized anything?

I think depending on the above answers, I would either communicate to him that his pulling away has left you confused and although you like him you don't want to be too involved with someone inconsistent. Or I would put a proper effort into him if he might be expecting some interest from you too.

You say “weeks or months” so I’m not sure exactly what timescale this relationship is over; but I think after a few months it’s relatively normal for dates to become more casual or involve just going over to each other’s houses to spend tips together so that in itself wouldn’t bother me.

That aside, it doesn’t sound like he’s necessarily “pulling away”, it just sounds more like he’s become comfortable and a bit lazy: he doesn’t think he needs to impress or chase you. Are you still trying to impress him? Suggesting interesting dates, booking things, being generally proactive? If you aren’t then maybe that’s your answer.

Don’t play games by pretending to pull away in the hope he’ll ramp up the effort. Either let things drift naturally or have a proper conversation where you tell him you feel like he’s loosing interest and that, if this isn’t the case, you think you both need to actively make more time to make the other feel wanted.

I would stop seeing them. If they arent into it, theres no point. Either let it fizzle out naturally if they arent likely to be in much contact anyway, or say you arent feeling it so it was nice to meet you etc but thatll do.

I tend to think that if a man is keen, then you know about it.

I had this with the last guy I dated but there was quite a pattern between weekends where we would spend lots of time together and then he would go quiet for a few days after. This wouldn't be my style, I did talk to him about it and he is a natural introvert so just needed some space.

We finished due to other reasons but I actually understood it a bit more when he explained it to me.

ComtesseDeSpair We have been going out for 6 weeks, but not on a lot of dates as our schedules have been really packed (a mix of business travel and weekends away). I think we have seen each other maybe 6/7 times in total.

I feel like the less effort he seems to put into this, the less effort I feel like putting in. I don't expect to be chased or for him to do all the work, but surely 6 weeks in he should still make me fee like I am a bit special to him, shouldn't he?

Are you putting in an equal amount of work & making him feel special?

AnaVia initially he came on relatively strong (but not too much!), he used to initiate contact every time, and write really well thought texts, and plan dates well in advance.

Then after a few weeks I started being more proactive too, so I'd say things were quite even in terms of effort.

Our initial dates were nice dinners or drinks in an area in between our places. Then he progressively started arranging our dates closer and closer to where he lives, so I had to cross the city to see him. The last time we saw each other he asked me to go to his place to spend the afternoon and evening together at his.

The last time I saw him I jokingly mentioned that we were always meeting in his area and never in mine, and he apologized and said he was getting a bit lazy, but that we should meet in my area the next time.

If it's been that short then I'd just leave him be. If he's interested he will be in touch, then if you fancy it then go on a date. Don't put yourself out and see other men until you find one who makes the effort.

If you can be bothered, you just need to be visibly having a great time without him. Go out and about. Do stuff that's intriguing - not just drinks but a bit of adventure too. Sound like you're not missing him at all and that you are in the kind of so cial mix that could mean another man could come into your life. Post this stuff on social media, turn down the chance to 'chill' at his as you have plans. Be a bit vague about what those plans are.

if he's keen but taking you for granted, he'll run back when he sees you do that, curious and ego-bruised. But if you do it I hope it leads you to meet someone better who is actually interested in you. It's win win. You have a good time and you get a chance to forget him and meet other people if he's not interested and if he is, you get him back. Ancient art of flirting.

It wouldn't bother me too much that things have changed since the beginning - I think it's normal to start off very keen and then become more comfortable - so I would think about whether I was happy with the "new normal", assuming it stays like this, rather than trying to get things back to how they were. If I felt that I wasn't happy with the reduced contact, I'd finish it. But maybe it would suit me to not be living in each other's pockets.

You say you became proactive, but also say that he has been arranging dates? I would say take stock are you really interested in this guy at all?

If so, then why don't you arrange something fun? Dinner and drinks becomes boring fast, and as a date it's like a job itnerview plus table manners. So early in a relationship you need to show him how fun and exciting a person you are. Walks, cycling, tennis, galleries, gigs, cocktail making, skydiving, bookstores, markets, you can google date ideas and millions of things pop up. Next time he asks you to hang out say you want don't like to go for dinner or stay indoors in such great weather and why don't we go do such and such. It's so early in your relationship. Make some memories and have some fun rather than putting him in the driver seat and tag along expecting to be entertained and made to feel special

That's good advice from Ana. Suggest fun stuff. If he's up for it, you'll both have more fun. Bad sign to be stuck in a rut so early on. DH and I were off out at theatres and gigs and galleries, markets and riverside walks and weekends away all the time when we first met and we still do loads of that today, twenty years later. Milling around gets dull