STBX parents - how to deal

[Brandnewstarter]

He left me and now I have two needy small kids
One of them is very close to his parents & they all want to spend time together
Seeing them triggers me and they haven’t been particularly supportive of me (seem to condone his OW)
But for DC sake best to maintain things
Any advice
Hurts badly. Am arranging meet ups but seeing them is painful.

Can someone else do the handover? Your ex for example

Sounds an awful position to be in, do the kids spend time with your ex ? Can they see his parents during that time?

Let your ex arrange the visit, they're his parents. No need for you to see them if you don't want to.

I agree with PP. Your STBX should be arranging the visits to his parents during his time with them.

If on exceptional occasions, it falls during your time, I think having someone else drop off and pick up could be helpful.

Have a think about whether you tell the X-ILs any of this reasoning. You might not want them to think you don't like them (they'll be in an out of your DC's whole childhood) but it might not be right to spill the whole emotional tale. Can you find a middle ground?

Seeing their dad also triggers me
The DC they are close to has extreme SEN hence the need to maintain relationship/accept the help as respite
No one to do hand overs sadly
It’s a tough situation with no easy answer
Posting on here has given me some emotional support

I did originally say to him what Auntie Stella said.
He made a right fuss
Then I thought to keep the peace I would facilitate and ask them when there were gaps

What a difficult situation! I think you need to set yourself a realistic expectation. So even if they dont see the grandchildren as much as they did but they do maintain contact than thats good enough. Unfortunately divorce has a ripple affect. Also i would be careful not to be used, if their not particularly supportive then i would hate my feelings to be dismissed

In situations like this it all seams to be about the children but tbh its not its about everyone involved esp the injured party.

Sorry you lost me at aunts Stella?

I think you could weigh up whether you want the respite and some pain on handover or no respite and no pain as no handover

Tbh the pain trigger will get easier with time

Keep handover as short as possible and have something nice to do as soon as you shut the door, a good film to watch, coffee with a friend. That way your focus is on the positive afterwards not any triggers

Let him make a fuss dont do anything in your time you are not comfortable with

If he won't agree to his parents seeing the kids in his time, only agree to contact with them when it 100% suits you, i.e. You need help with childcare or could use a day off to do something. Only do it on your terms when they are effectively doing you a favour. Don't put yourself out on your time otherwise. Get the handover down to a fine art in so far as it's ultra quick with bare minimal conversation with the adults involved.

It's not your job to facilitate contact between his parents and your children. It's his.

So what if he makes a fuss? Sod keeping the peace. When he walked out on his family did he expect no fuss from you? CF.

Just don't arrange a single thing with his family. Nothing. Leave it all to him. You don't even need to discuss it. Just don't do anything.

I think initially when you split with the father/mother of your children you have to set in stone contact days and stick to them. If they want the children to do a particular activity or see grandparents on their side it gets arranged on their days.. if you don't stick to arrangements it takes longer for everyone to adjust and get used to being split up, and causes pain/confusion all round. In the future if everyone is ok and working for the children's benefit, days can be swooped round, but I think, at least for the first year or so, things should be set. If he creates a fuss, tough, he left, he's a parent and he might have to do some mundane things on his days - it's not Disney..

Be strong, get arrangements set up, do the handover- it will get easier every time and will make you feel more in control and strong.

Let him facilitate the relationship with his parents.
So they see kids in his time.
They will all look out for him. You need to look out for YOU. And if they moan or he kicks of tell hem that’s what you get when you shag around.

Thanks all
Great advice

And yes I am worried about what Fishface said - they will be looking out for him ultimately

It’s his job to facilitate a relationship with HIS children and HIS family. It’s not your job. If they moan, tell them to talk to their son. It’s really not your problem and you don’t need to put yourself through any more upset in order to make various arseholes lives more comfortable.

It’s a horrible situation and I’m sorry that you’re going through this
I had a very similar situation and was fairly close to the ex mil. I tried to facilitate contact between her and my dc, but each visit it became clearer where her loyalty was and I was made to feel like the guilty one. Not worth it one bit.

Their loyalty will be with their son. Don't beat yourself up over this. Look after yourself. Leave it to him to organise their time with DC. If you see them in exceptional circumstances, be polite and brief. Your ex made his choice, let him deal with the consequences.