Considering going NC

[Pushedtoofar]

I'm looking for some advice.
NC for this and my new name kind of says it all.
I've really been pushed too far by my DF.

In some respects he's a very lovely, caring and generous person but he's a massively controlling individual who doesn't like me to have my own opinion. He never has done.

It's been going on since I was a child but I've only recently really seen it for what it truly is and I'm finding it very difficult.

I live far away from my parents so when I visit, I have to stay with them. This is when my DF can go into full swing. He hates me having an opinion, will argue that black is white and if I ever dare say anything linked to my job he will belittle it instantly (I'm in a senior professional job of 20+ years and he will not accept that I might have a clue what I'm talking about)

The problem is that my DM is lovely. Really really lovely. But I can't deal with everytime I'm here being argumentative. It's like he's bored, itching for an argument and relishes the chance to be quite nasty whenever I'm here.

The second he feels he's not in total control/getting his own way in any conversation/discussion he will go confrontational. His digs will get nasty and personal and he is very very rude and insulting.

So. I'm sat here considering what on earth I do. I love my DM and don't want to upset her and I do love my DF but I can't face dealing with this shit everytime I'm visiting. It's exhausting.

Join the club. I'm in the exact same position ie revolting father, lovely mum. I despair!

There's no way around it imo. You just have to get working on some very finely honed skills.

My parents are very very old. It would be sod's law if mum went first

It's so difficult, isn't it. I have spent evening pretending to have fallen asleep early whilst visiting them as I just know he'll pick an argument if/when I go downstairs.

He's a lovely man who would do anything for us but he has this horrendous temper and need to control.

I don't think he sees me as an adult at all. Which is fucking ridiculous as I've been married for years; have kids; bought a house; have a good career.

I could have written your post OP .

I have no wise words, it's incredibly stressful.

I'm concerned that he'll start being like that with my children as they start developing minds of their own.

I think that a degree of dementia is kicking in but he's always been like this, so I refuse to use that as an excuse for his behaviour.

There have been many many times over the last 20+ years since I left home where I have been reduced to tears from his arguments. If it wasn't for my DM I would have done things differently.

But recently he's really upped the nastiness. It's very calculating and designed to really hurt.

How angry is he with your mum when she defends you? When she protects you? Or does she not?

It gets a hell of a lot easier when you realise that the "nice" parent is an enabler who would not protect their children. Abuser first. Play at being nice to the children but them be abused.

NC is right. Your DM can visit you on her own if she wants. Maybe she won't maybe she'd rather cut you off than stand up for you. You won't know which until you make a proper stand yourself.

Fat fingers! Enablers always put the abuser first. They play at being nice to the children but all the while allowing the abuser to continue abusing. That isn't "nice".

Stop caring what he thinks. Stop listening. His nastiness invalidates his opinion. This is all about him and his ego needs; it isn’t about you. Emotionally disconnect.

Children at, what, 6 years old get into the “No! I’m better than you!!” arguments ...and he never grew out of it.

Distance yourself. Stepping into a storm of verbal abuse isn’t good for your (as well as your dc) mental health so stay away from him.

Imho, your gut feeling for NC is the best answer. You are right in that it is not a psychologically safe place for your dc.

Stay in a hotel and take your mum out to lunch.

Have you tried just not engaging in any sort of conversation which may involve an opinion? If he rants away just sit there nodding and hmmm, hmmming? I know it’s not ideal.

Can you just respond passive/aggressively?
Nod, head tilt, of course dad, I totally agree?
Or when it all starts just walk away and leave for a walk until he's calmed down?
A cheery 'OK, I'm going for a walk for a bit' and just leave for a while.
He should start to get the message.

I was reading your OP thinking is that my sister. Till I got to the 20+ years professional. 😂

But seriously your describing my dad. It's taken a lot of arguments and going head to head with him but now I've learnt to just keep my mouth shut. My mum enables him by staying and telling me to just ignore it when I ring her in tears. Though she openly admits he can be horrible She says he probably has some sort of personality disorder, and yes recently he seems much less able to control himself around strangers. But when we were younger he could always control it, which if it were a personality disorder he wouldn't have been able to do.

There's no easy answer. No you shouldn't have to bite your tongue and agree mindlessly with everything he says. Especially when it's bollocks. But in the end I just got tired of arguing. And stopped caring. There are still times I bite, but overall I'm getting better at staying quiet.

Hugs, it's horrible.