Can a relationship survive without 100% trust?

[FuckyDuzz]

Can you ever even trust another person 100%?

DP has broken my trust in various ways a number of times, I’ve always moved on and tried to get over it
But I don’t get over it, I just shove it away into that place where I daren’t delve into or I’d never come out of
Then every now and again something (seemingly) small and insignificant will happen and the door on that dark place will come swinging open and I lose all perspective and DP thinks I’m ‘overreacting’ and I admit I am completely over the small insignificant thing, but it’s just the sprinkle on the very large sundae of shit underneath it and I can’t make him understand that
And if I do ever say it’s not that it’s everything else then I get told to ‘just end it if you don’t trust me, why are you even with me if you can’t trust me’ Or he asks how long I’m going to keep throwing things in his face
I don’t want to, I don’t want to be that person, and sooooo many things I bite my tongue and don’t say anything and pretend I’m fine with because I don’t want to be that person
But at some point somethings going to have to give isn’t it

He has done so much in the last few years to gain my trust back and I really thought we were doing well and I was feeling genuinely fine with him going out and even over night I genuinely didn’t care, didn’t cross my mind that he might be doing anything stupid and I thought we’d cracked it
And then one tiny thing has happened and now I feel like we’re right back at the beginning and he just doesn’t get how this one thing can matter so much, and it’s just making me think that this will never ever go away will it
Or will it? Can it? And surely no one can ever trust another person absolutely 100% anyway so am I expecting too much?

Sorry, what a load of old waffle, I just have so many thoughts and I can’t say them anymore, I can’t keep bringing up the past it’s going to kill us and I don’t want to
I don’t really know what I want

Eurgh

It's not you, it's him.

I don't believe in 100% trust in another person, but I do believe in 99.99% trust until that person proves they are not worthy of it.

It sounds like your partner has broken your trust numerous times. Only a fool would trust him not to do it again.

It's tough to know without knowing what happened, how long ago, what the recent thing was.

For example, he's cheated on the past, it was fairly recent, he's recently flirted online. Then he's an utter shit.

Or, he's not had your back with his family, he's cut them out for years, one of them is sick and he's talking again. He's not a shit.

It’s hard to gauge your whole situation... I assume it has to do with him having been unfaithful to you at some point and you have since attempted to move forward from it and salvage your relationship?

But only you can decide if that’s possible for you to genuinely move past?

Is it fair to forever punish him for his wrongdoing? Probably not but then I don’t know your situation...how long ago did everything happen? How severely was your trust betrayed? Was it a one-off betrayal?

There is a lot for you to think about.

For more helpful advice here it would be useful to know more of the situation ...

I don't believe in trusting another person 100% but by that I don't mean you should have to feel paranoid about their behaviour - I mean be realistic and don't rely on them above all else. Anyone in the world has the potential to break your trust.

If somebody has shown you that they disregard your feelings and you can't move past it then I'd have to call it a day.

I'm wondering if the recent 'trigger' was something in general or something he did/ slipped up with??

But I agree with pp we can't really gauge without knowing the actual context etc..,

Are we talking affair(s)?

I also agree that it’s not necessary to “100%” trust someone, but you do need a good degree of confidence in them.

For example, my DH, although previously brilliant in other health situations, eg childbirth, twice let me down badly over his handling of things to do with my health when DC1 was tiny, and I still remember. He is also often crap about my mental health issues. So although have high trust in him on many other things, eg fidelity, family, DC, I don’t on health.

I don't think relationships work without trust
If you can't trust him then you shouldn't be with him

Is it fair to forever punish him for his wrongdoing?

Unfortunately that's not how it works - you don't CHOOSE to be like this .

I don't think a relationship can work without trust. You are showing why - he's let you down, more than once, it's always in your head and keeps rearing up again and again, causing arguments. For me, this would be a sign that it's hopeless and needs ending. It's not good for either of you.

As people have said though, unless we know how he broke your trust, what we're saying might not have as much sense.

I don't trust anyone 100%. But I've learned to trust myself and what is right for me, and to act on that. I've found this far more valuable and empowering than placing the responsibility for trust on someone else.

It's hard to comment on your situation without more detailed info OP.

I don't think it's possible/realistic to trust 100pc but in good relationships there is strong trust.

Maybe a bit pedantic of me but there is a difference between trust and trustworthiness. Your problem is not that you can't/don't trust him, it's that he is untrustworthy. To put it another way, the blame is all on him.

To answer your original question, yes, relationships can survive without trust just as they can survive without respect, fidelity, honesty or love. What you need to ask yourself though is why you would aspire to a relationship that is just surviving rather than one that is thriving.

‘just end it if you don’t trust me, why are you even with me if you can’t trust me’
I'd be taking him up on that.
Do you have DC?
On here it's - No trust = No relationship.
He just wants it all to go away and be brushed under the carpet.
That cannot happen.
Have you had counselling?
Read books together about it all?

As the saying goes...
Trust takes years to build
Seconds to break
And forever to repair

Until he understands that then I don't think you will ever 'be over' it.
And you don't have to be you know.
You tried and it's not working for you.
You can walk away when ever you like.

Thankyou all for the replies

Sorry my OP was really vague but tbh I don’t even know where to start - there haven’t been affairs as such, but he hasn’t broken up with me and then been with someone else far too quickly for me to believe that he wasn’t setting it up before he ended things with me, also going out all night, coming home with make up on his clothes, going to strip clubs - they’re the biggies and that was all in the early days years ago but now it’s more low level continual things like having friendships with females that are just a bit too friendly, inappropriate conversations and ‘banter’, me never hearing someone’s name and then all of a sudden it’s Jane this and Jane that, following lots of half naked people on Instagram, having everyone from his past on his Facebook and in his contacts still ...

I just feel like there’s always someone else in our relationship even when there’s not iyswim

And now that he doesn’t do any of the big ones anymore, the little things on there own don’t seem that big, but it all just brings back the feeling of not being enough - and that feels really really shit

TooTrueToBeGood I really like the clarification between me not trusting him and him not being trustworthy- you’re right that’s the problem, that he’s not been trustworthy

He's found exactly the level of shitty behaviour you'll put up with and pitched his behaviour exactly at that level. So that you'll stay with him while being miserable and blaming yourself.

Class act. Lower your level to zero.

I don’t feel like I do put up with it though
I mean I do by staying obviously, but I call him out on it every time
But generally he ends up apologising, getting upset and telling me I deserve better than him so I drop it ... then nothing changes

...that’s me putting up with it isn’t it 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yup. Sorry.