Role of primary carer only for the mother

[Renwaldo]

I am a dad who has lurked on Mumsnet for years for the interesting and sweary female perspectives. I am really interested to know if people have had similar experiences to this.

In a nutshell my wife has very strong feelings that she should be the primary carer to our two year old daughter. To give a really short description: when DD is upset or has hurt herself, she should go to mummy for comfort. When DD wakes in the night, she should ask for mummy, not daddy. A father should be 'in the background' (those are my wife's exact words) doing things not directly related to childcare which will make our lives better. When DD has gone through periods of asking for me a lot this has caused a great deal of distress and strain - that is putting it mildly.

I don't quite know what I am asking here! I am not expecting people to suggest a nice easy solution to this issue over the internet. But if you have experience of similar feelings then I would be really grateful for your perspective. I can't log in very often so might not be the fastest at replying to any questions.

Your wife's ideas about parenting seem to come from the 1950s! Or maybe the 1850s! Apart from the issue of breastfeeding, there's nothing you can't do that your wife can. I don't know about a solution. Did you talk about how you wanted to parent before becoming parents? Do you think your wife would be receptive to talking about your discomfort with her ideas about parenting?

Without the background here it's difficult to comment.

Normally, I would say your wife is being unfair and her views are a bit strange, however, did you happily allow her to be the primary carer when DD was younger or did you try to play an active role from the start? Is there more to it than this? Does your wife have a reason to sabotage your relationship with DD or does she have insecurities and anxieties that make her act this way?

This sounds a lot like my partners ex... be cautious because she basically used this approach to phase him out for a couple of years before ending their marriage (actually citing how uninvolved he was as one of the reasons ) and then used it to be the one in control of everything even after 5 years of separation now... kids need both parents to be hands on

Very strange. To me primary carer means the person who gave up their job to stay home, or if both work full time, the one who takes on most of the kids appointments, illness, and care. Sometimes of course it can be a really even split, but generally it seems to fall to the mother. To actively try and dissuade you from being involved though sounds very odd/old fashioned.

That’s absolutely ridiculous. How damaging to your relationship with your child.

God forbid anything every happen to your wife if you continue with this approach.

Your wife is wrong - very sad

Your wife sounds controlling and her perspective sounds like the result of internalised misogyny and a general over investment into old sexist ways of thinking about gender roles. You arent going to be able to change the latter with any ease. The issue of control, if it comes from anxiety, might be alterable. It sounds more like a values issue...though. Sorry.

Yes, its a controlling reaction to her deep rooted feelings anxiety and very probably jealousy too, about how much your child loves her. She's frightened that the child will love you more than her; will form a greater attachment to you than to her.
It comes from a place of fear of course but its also a really dysfunctional mindset on her part.
Does she have any abandonment issues?

Your wife's nuts.

@pallasathena @SayNoToCarrots I have to agree based on experience from my DP.

His EXW openly admitted that the reason was because she wanted to be the daughters number one go to... and it stemmed from an incident where DSD fell at her birthday party and asked for Dad not mum. To this day everything he does makes her scared that daughter will like him more than her and this was her way of distancing things. So so wrong!

Not saying it's the same situation (I hope! I'd like to think his ex is a one off tbh!) but just something to keep caution with.

You need to push for some time with your dd alone. You need to bond with her, can you not take her out for the day? If she refuses you need to work out if that’s something You are will I g to put up with or whether you want out of the relationship. Personally I think it’s a warped way to bring up a child and not healthy. Maybe log all the instances where you have been refused opportunity to care for your child? It maybe useful if you ever split up and your wife refuses access.