Partner /Mother co-dependency

[user1495057470]

Hi

I'm in a state of flux and would like some advice.

My partner of 4 years and has a VERY co-dependent relationship with his mother. She is still married to his father and is very healthy, active and has lots of hobbies.

She lives 5 minutes down the road from us and so if he has any downtime he goes to meet her (just the two of them for a drink in a local pub - I’m never invited and nor is his dad).

They email every day dozens of times per day.

Last weekend in 3 days they emailed each other 104 times!!!! (AND during this time they had breakfast together at a local cafe, again I’m not invited).

Their emails contain all totally banal stuff - here's a typical snippet:

Him: Just got back from dog walk and going to have some eggs for breakfast.
Her: Dog walk sound nice as it's lovely weather. You'll enjoy your eggs for breakfast as you must be hungry after a long walk.
Him: Just been to the garden centre and picked up a few bedding plants
Her: Oh that's nice - it's a lovely day to plant flowers in the garden, very therapeutic
Him: Flowers look lovely all bedded in now - give a lot of colour to the place
Her: You must feel a great sense of satisfaction today and it’s lovely to be out in the fresh air all day

On and on and on day after day....

It's harmless, every day stuff BUT it distracts his attention from our relationship and we are struggling to communicate. I think we might end up splitting up as he is incapable of sitting down to discuss things - he just wants to email me or text me AND I’M IN THE SAME HOUSE!!

He works away Mon-Fri anyway and so the time we have together is limited so I feel guilty bringing it up things that are on my mind (like his relationship with his mother) when he comes home for the weekend as he’s shattered and we end up having a row, and I get the silent treatment for days.

He's a 42 year old man and I just think their co-dependency is off the scale.

Am I being unreasonable?

What advice can anyone give me?

Thanks r&r

Have you asked him why you're not invited?

Hi Peekyboo

No I've not asked why I'm not invited - I guess Im not-not invited I could go if I asked but I don't want to tbh.

r&r

Op, it sounds as though they are best friends. I had that with my dad. We didn't need anyone else emotionally or socially. I used to say if I could only talk to one person for the rest of my life, I would pick him. He has passed on now, and I don't expect to ever have that connection with anyone else, to that depth. I never excluded my husband though.
I now work with a mum and daughter who are like dad and I were. I wonder if it is the same for your man and his mum.
I don't think it is a good or a bad thing to have this kind of parent child bond, it just is what it is. It doesn't sound as though she is running his life, they are just unusually close? But he can and should modify his behaviour if he wants his relationship with you to work.
I hope this perspective helps.

Do you live together OP?

This sounds really weird.

I am very close to my adult DS. People comment on how close we are and how well we get on.

I am fully supportive of his DP and of their relationship. I can go days without speaking to DS and he would think I had cracked up if I was emailing or texting him like that. It's bizarre.

If you feel like they are the couple and you are in the fringes I would run to be honest. I don't see this situation improving.

I find this really creepy. Brrrr.