The secret to a happy relationship

[madcatladyforever]

Being a long time failure in the field of relationships and now living alone with cats I would really love to know what your secret is - this question who anyone who has sustained a loving relationship for 20 + years.
We need to know people!

I don't think there is any one particular "secret".

I'm a great believer in always treating one's partner as the most important and special person in one's life, and I treat mine with a lot of consideration and kindness. I would always say No to someone else, rather than inconvenience my partner.

Talk and listen a lot.

Try not to get into ruts and become boring.

Keep to high standards, and always make an effort for your partner.

Don't make your partner responsible for giving you all your happiness in life.

Don't get so intimate that there are no secrets, and no privacy - that's no way to keep passion alive. (No one really wants to see you on the loo, for instance, and partners don't need to know every little unpleasant detail of every small illness or ailment.)

I also believe that we are animals, and animals with a strong visual sense. I think so many people damage their relationships by thinking that their partners "ought" to love them for their beautiful souls, and it shouldn't matter if they turn into people who look very different from the attractive young people that their partners first fell in love with. So I think that staying slim, fit and attractive is much more important than people would like to believe. (Before anyone jumps on me, yes, I do believe that applies to men as well as to women.)

33 years here, and still going strong. I might even marry him one day!

Not 20+ but 14.

Your partner needs to be your favourite person. The person you want to spend time with more than anyone. Someone you would have chosen as a friend. So many of my friends got together on physical attraction when we were really young and got married without really making sure they actually liked each other - which doesn't work!

I would also advise not getting too far into a relationship with someone who has particular habits and opinions that annoy you from the start. They will only magnify when you move in together/get married/have a baby. And if they are lazy, or always blame someone else for their problems, or spend money like water, they may not change.

Seeing each other as equals is a good start.

Keep to high standards? I would consider my standards the same 20 years on, I'm 5 stone heavier mind you, I don't consider weight, make up, clothes as part of my standards. My morals, my cleanliness, my kindness, my humour are what makes me and my DH adores me.

I had a DP who adored me but I knew he was more visual than personality, I broke it off, he is married to a person who keeps slim, always made up and looks very like me in my younger days, they are happy. I wouldn't have been happy with him long term (we are still good friends) so I think realism is key here. I find appearance shallow, my DH does too, my ex finds it important, so does his wife (ex has 6 pack and hides bald spot).

Bugger armchair you put what I meant in a better way!

21 years and going strong.

Wanting to be happy more than you want to be right is a good start. Making time for each other and doing enjoyable things together.

I'd second the not making each other responsible for your happiness. Having separate interests and friends (within reason - see point above!) gives you something new to talk about.

Being appreciative of each other and making an effort for each other.

For me personally, having similar approaches to stress and money has been helpful.

But if I really had to boil it down to one thing - I just really really like him. He is exceptionally kind and exceptionally fair both of which keep drama to a minimum.

I should add that none of the things mentioned above were what I was especially looking for when we met - I was just lucky!

Choose the right person in the first place. Someone with the same outlook on life as you, same political views, someone pref with the same background, someone kind, gentle, loving and considerate. Just like my dp! After 3 disasters, I finally got there.

I really don't know if there is a secret. I just know that my life is better for having DH by my side. Not every day (I'm sure we can drive each other crazy) but as a whole, we are happier when we are together.

Find the right person. Far too many people fail on this fundamental point.
Have common interests but also both have your own seperate interests and friends and the trust and freedom to enjoy them.
Disagreeing is ok, arguing is not. Disagreeing about something doesn't mean that one of you is right and the other must be wrong.
Financial equality and an equal say on major purchases regardless of who earns what.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Listening is more important than taliking.
Don't take life too seriously. Sometimes things don't go our way. Getting stressed, angry or upset doesn't help, it just makes things worse.
Respect each others privacy.

28 years here.

Find the right person
Be kind to each other.
Talk about any problems even if it makes one of you uncomfortable of think it may cause a row. I've always told my DH if I'm upset or concerned about something even if he disagrees or thinks it s trivial.
We still laugh together.
We do little things for each other to show we care.
We both have health problems, he is disabled so we always put each other first.

We've had our ups and downs but at the end of the day, he's my everything and he loves me to bits still too

single your post suggests that people never change or grow .....they do !

46 years together, married 43. I’m not sure I know the answer, but we laugh a lot, neither of us expects the other to be a mind-reader, and we compromise.

A flexible definition of ‘happy’ is a good starting point. It’s not always going to be roses but that’s alright because life isn’t always just roses is it?

Communicate, listen, and say sorry more often than you think you ought to.

20+ years.

I don't think there's one secret but do think some people have different things.

E.g. I hate traditional romance and fuss. I don't like being in each other's pockets so someone who is into all of that would not work for me. I've no doubt I would be someone's worst nightmare if they took lack of traditional romance, fuss, date nights etc to be an essential part of a relationship.

Communication has to be up there as well as respect.

Yes, maybe newtoOLD, but how long do you wait? My first H is still the way he was, my second H was alchoholic and died of it, my third H was a miserable so and so, and the DC hated him! My dp is a keeper and I've kept him for 15 years.

Separate bedrooms!

Being reasonable
Sense of humour
Give and take
I was going to say honesty but maybe I mean not playing mind games
Choosing a person based on kindness and reasonableness rather than appearance or materialism
Being fine on your own, giving each other a lot of space
Not necessarily sticking to rigid gender roles

I suppose it’s differrnt for everyone, but we’ve been together for 18 years, married for 14.5. I think the ability to disregard the small annoyances, not make too much of a big deal about them and be generally in the same wave length - esp your values brining up kids if you have them. We’ve had some sad life experiences together - lost our first dd who was stillborn, now 4 dds of whom 2 have ASD. We are not as strong as we used to be, but we are still a partnership - both in our mid 40s. Having a sex life also helps - it’s an effort for me not dh but I think it’s important for us.

Also, I’ve been in two LT relationships. I’ve had many v ST flings, but I tend to do better in LT relationships - perhaps that’s s difference also?

Awwwwww these are so lovely unfortunately, they make me feel like I need to consider divorce

Respect.... always.

Be nice
If you can

38 years (oh that is a ridiculous number when seen in black and white!)

I don't think there is a secret, and so much of this depends on being lucky enough to find the right person. Things that help:

Giving each other space. Privacy. Time apart.

Respecting each other's opinions, even when we disagree.

Having admiration for each other, for who they are and how they live their life.

Spending time together every day, just the two of us. Even if it is just to watch one TV show on the couch, after dinner.

Being physical. I don't mean just sex, although that is great, too - but holding hands, having a cuddle, sitting with something touching, even if it is our feet. I absolutely love when he puts one hand on my knee when we are in the car.

Trust. I trust him completely. With everything. I know he trust me the same.

That all sounds so mushy. I like him. He likes me. I know that sounds smug and how very lucky I am. I am eternally grateful for that luck!

Nearly 13 years, so still in infancy compared to some of the PP! But I agree with hammeringinthehead - for me, it was about finding my favourite person. There is no one in the world I would rather spend time with than my DP. He drives me mad at times, but he also makes me laugh like a drain, is kind, considerate, loyal and a great friend to me and others. But what really makes us work is a willingness to compromise. Relationships are hard work and if you always insist on being right you're on a hiding to nothing. So pick your battles and say sorry like you mean it.