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Relationships

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Original poster

Marriage - is it worth doing and why?

21 replies

bohemianbint · 30/05/2007 18:45

I've never really seen the need to get married but since having my first DS last year I'm starting to wonder if there might be certain advantages?

It's a bit rubbish that DP is not automatically my next of kin. It's also rubbsih I have to refer to him as DP/boyfriend but can't really think what else to call him! I'm wondering if it also might be better for me if things go wrong?

Can anyone tell me what the advantages are and whether its more beneficial to be married once you have kids?

Cheers!

OP posts:

Tinker · 30/05/2007 18:49

Money is the big advantage (only one?) ie you get state benefits if they die, you may be entitled to some of his co pension if he dies/you divorce. Plus, more clarity of next of kin issues and no IHT due if one of you dies (house would have to be valued ay over 600,000 though!). You need to make a very thorough will if not married.

Is saying husband any better than partner/boyfriend though?

dissle · 30/05/2007 19:09

For us it is a romance thing i think!
After 9 years together we wanted to be married to have children and decided at age 30 that we were ready.
Its just...well...nice i suppose. yes..nice and secure and complete and lovely and feels right.
Many many many people are now going to BLAST me to oblivion for my comments, i dont care...that is how it is for ME and US.

We had a cheap as chips wedding day, neither of us wanted fuss, yet it was perfect/cheap/a laugh/happy.

TheBlonde · 30/05/2007 19:09

CAB info on the differences

crunchie · 30/05/2007 19:09

bohemiumn=bint, this subject has been discussed at length on MN as one poor Mner lost her husband in sudden circumstances and if they had not been married it would have been really difficult
yorkiegirl

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2007 19:15

How does your partner feel about marriage?.

Women who are married have far more rights legally than those who remain unmarried and live with partners. There is no such thing as "common law wife" in a legal sense. You are currently not regarded as his next of kin; as it stands you cannot yourself obtain letters of administration in the even of his death and importantly you are not related to him. You may not even be able to make treatment decisions for him; that may be left to his own family. You may not even be able to choose a headstone. You cannot claim a widows pension. It will cause you far more anguish if he were to die suddenly in the event that you were not married.

In the event of a relationship breakdown where the couple is not married what's his is his, what is yours is yours and the rest is divided up.

nickytwotimes · 30/05/2007 19:20

boho, i'm married because i'm a god botherer but my friends are a mix of married/not. it's simpler to have the same family name for everyone, but you don't need to be married to do that. it also makes things simpler legally - as you say, next of kin and so on. as previous posts say, you can do it really simply - we had a small group at the church then markies grub in the back garden and it was fab. from your post, i think marriage would make things easier for you so long as dp is quite happy too! btw, even our priest said don't expect anything to change after you get married, if it does, there's something wrong!

chocolateshoes · 30/05/2007 19:25

We got married 2 weeks ago after all the discussions linked to on this thread (YorkieGirl etc). We didn't really want ot but it felt as if we were cutting our noses off to spite our faces. We had the simplest shortest ceremony possible - 2 best mates & DS & then out to lunch & plenty of champagne. It was lovely. We didn't tell anybody (my dad is barely speaking to me now but that is an entirely different thread altogether!) as we wanted no fuss at all. I'm glad we did it but it does make me cross that we felt we had to.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 30/05/2007 20:26

Thanks for all the posts - it's really interesting. Poor Yorkiegirl.

I'm of the opinion that our relationship is fine as it is so a wedding would be just an administrative thing really (not very romantic but we're plenty romantic in other ways without it!) and I can't think of anything more awful than us being the centre of attention for the day so we'd have to think of something appropriate if we did go for it. The awfulness of both our families getting together is enough to put anyone off the idea but it looks like it's the smart thing to do....

OP posts:

cylonbabe · 30/05/2007 20:28

its the legal and financial protection that marriage affords you. in as much that anything can give you protection.
otherwise its nothing

harrisey · 30/05/2007 21:59

Maybe ask the question 'why not get married' rather than 'why do it'?
Might give a diferent perpective.

harrisey · 30/05/2007 22:00

cb - there is a lot more to marriage than legal and finiancial protection for an awful lot of people, me included.

Uetli · 30/05/2007 22:57

Because you want to make a public statement of how you feel about each other and your intention to be together always, whatever it takes.

Don't think Marriage is necessary (there are a hell of a lot of bad marriages and good non-marriages out there) but it feels great when it's the right person

I know that wasn't the OP question, but bugger the legal rights, get an agreement drawn up if you need one. Get married if you intend to be together forever.......

Misty eyed emoticon.

Twinklemegan · 30/05/2007 23:06

I have to say I can't understand why anyone wouldn't get married if they're committed to each other. It doesn't have to be a big expensive do at all - it can be as simple as you make it. There are no negatives as far as I can see.

From my point of view, I feel more freedom being married than when I wasn't. I feel there's a tie between us that gives us both the freedom to go and do our own thing, work away or whatever, knowing that our marriage bonds us no matter what.

Rhubarb · 30/05/2007 23:07

S'alright.

choosyfloosy · 30/05/2007 23:08

I have the most unromantic reasons for getting married - because I believe in practically all relationships, there will be times when you just want to be out of them, and being married is one more reason to keep you there until you feel OK again.

Not very positive! but it works for me.

cylonbabe · 30/05/2007 23:13

i know a lot of people believe marriages are endowed with special meanings.
however i firmly believe that marriages are basically legal protection. and people who refuse to enter into the marriage contract but draw up other legal documents to safeguard themselves are merely reinventing the wheel.
i think the poster who suggested the questions should be 'why not to get married' has a very good idea.

harrisey · 30/05/2007 23:19

cylonbabe - you see, for me marriage has a mystical spiritual meaning totally apart from legal protection. If I got no protection from it at all, I would still have done it.
And if, or example, I had to have a legal wedding for legal purposes, I would still have had a church wedding as well for spiritual purposes.

I'm a God botherer too, though!

madamez · 30/05/2007 23:29

Well one reason not to get married (which has diminished slightly) is it used to mean that a woman lost the right to refuse sex - you could not legally be raped by your husband (ie whatever you said/felt about any sexual act, you couldn't charge him with rape). I think that has changed now.
Though I will never marry, I like weddings and commitment ceremonies and have chosen to involve myself with them professionally - again, I'm happy that the law has changed to allow same-sex couples the same legal protections, etc.
Whether or not you want to marry is kind of up to you: if you have strong objections you can arrange similar legal safeguards, though it is a certain amount of work and expense.

ElenorRigby · 08/03/2009 11:53

Interesting thread bohemianbint (sorry I was having a look at your old threads after reading your most recent thread)
Ive never liked the idea of marriage especially as I have a toxic family
Having read this thread I can see why its worth doing from a legal point of view.

ABetaDad · 08/03/2009 12:10

As others have said there are good legal, tax and financial reasons to be married.

In addition, I happen to take my marriage vows extremely seriously. They mean a great deal to me.

Tortington · 08/03/2009 12:11

becuase when he fucks his secretary you can screw him over.

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