Don't want to sleep with my DH

[roadhome]

We are a couple in our 30's, 2 young children, both work full time and always exhausted.
In the past few months my sex drive has just plummeted and I can't motivate myself to have sex with him. I do fancy him, and love him, we have no issues in our marriage, he is a brilliant husband and Dad.

I've recently gone back on the pill, can't that reduce your libido? I keep rejecting him and feel so guilty because I know he isn't satisfied. I'm aware we are young and I don't want this to continue.
Any advice??

The pill can affect your libido.

My strong advice is that you need to get this sorted now if you still care for your husband as you say you do. For many men physical intimacy is a core part of a relationship and your constant rejection will be hurting him a lot.

Make an appointment with the doctor to discuss this and also try and think about what will get you in the mood and try and do more of that together.

It's a good idea to go to your doctor about it. Can you plan date nights and be more intimate with each other? Have you spoken to your husband about it?

Second what Notmany says - don’t put off getting this sorted. I have failed to in the past and lost a good relationship because of it. Sex is much more important for men than it is for women, but they don’t always say anything until it’s too late.

You probably don’t feel like having sex because you are exhausted. Discuss pill with your doctor. Can you do anything to make more time for each other? Get cleaner, date night...

I've recently gone back on the pill, can't that reduce your libido?

I'm actually quite surprised a woman in her 30s doesn't know the answer to that question (I don't mean that to sound patronising but realise it will do).

Go back to the doctor, female if possible, and discuss alternative pill or injection.
And get a cleaner. About £25 for 2 hours a fortnight. Makes a huge difference to my libido. Seriously! You're both working and have dc, you must both be bloody knackered. Who does most of the cleaning now? Arrange joint cooking nights. Who does the cooking now? Do you share childcare equally?

I do the majority of the house work, he does some, but not much. I think I will go to GP and talk about alternative methods of contraception, I know that this needs sorting now.

We have a date night planned for this weekend so will try and end the drought then!

Yes childcare is shared equally, that's not an issue. I am just always tired and most days want to go to bed at 8.30

It always amuses me how when someone says they've gone off sex, others advise date nights. Why on earth would you want a date night, presumably with sex as the end-goal, if you don't want sex!!!

I was on the pill and then the implant. No sex drive for years. Since having it removed it's madeca huge difference altho we use condoms.

This might sound odd but sometimes when I’m not in the mood and DH is, I choose to say yes to him. Every time I’ve done that it’s almodt like a switch flicks and I am in the mood and we enjoy the intimacy.

Well if he did his share of the housework then you might be less tired. And be more willing to make an effort.

Is he as selfish in the bedroom as he is in the kitchen ?

@L0UISA no, he's not selfish at all in any way. The housework doesn't bother me, I enjoy cleaning and he does a lot with the kids. Cleaning is not an issue. I do think it's contraception related plus tiredness, because it is a recent thing, before that we had no problems.

@cakesandphotos I think that is something I need to try also. Just saying yes and then pursuing it. I have done that before and it has worked, being open to being seduced I suppose

It always amuses me how when someone says they've gone off sex, others advise date nights. Why on earth would you want a date night, presumably with sex as the end-goal, if you don't want sex!!!

Because she wants to want sex again, and reconnecting as individuals is a really good idea to get things back on track.

Have you had your iron levels checked? It's not normal to be so tired, and that might be part of what's happening.

OTOH working full time plus caring for a house, young children etc is quite tiring. However if it's fairly split between you, then you ought to both be tired. I always think that a good rule of thumb is that if you're too tired to be interested in sex, but your husband isn't - that's probably a warning sign that you're taking on more of the burden.

It's not on for you to be doing most of the housework when you both work full time. I'd also critically assess that childcare balance as well as it might be less equal than you think - for example, are you breastfeeding? Do the children wake at night and who deals with that? Who gets them dressed in the morning? How is the cooking split, and organising of meals? Who does childcare drop offs/pick ups? Who takes them to the doctor/dentist, or stays off work with them when they are ill? Who cuts their nails? Who deals with playdates and birthday parties (if they are old enough to have those)? Do you both get interrupted in the bathroom? Do the DC tend to come to one of you first when asking for help/comfort? Not to answer here but to think about/discuss with DH.

IME you feel more like sex when you feel like a team dealing with your daily responsibilities. If you feel burned out by them then it might just be because it's a lot to do - but then if you're a team then he ought to be burned out too. I'd defo check the balance of things, and any medical/vitamin related reasons before blaming hormonal contraception, although this can be a factor too. Only because if you go off the pill while you're still tired and feeling crap you might well end up pregnant again which would just exacerbate the problem!