Racist Granny

[vicarc]

I won't beat around the bush. My mother is racist. She rants about pretty much anyone. I will not change her, I don't have the energy or stamina after a life time. Her type of racism is a type of mental problem, it's very irrational and she goes into a monologue/trance like state, her mother was the same and my dad battled with them both and it did not make a blind bit of difference, he passed away very tiered. I want to enjoy what I have with my husband and children. I do stand up to her when she says this stuff in front of my children, and so does my husband. She goes mental. The rest of the time I have to listen to her ranting. He has been banned from the house if he ever stands up to her "under her roof" ever again even if he's just doing it to protect the kids. Anyway, you are all going to say "disown her". I am an only child. I was conditioned birth to be a loyal puppy dog (I hate being an only child), she terrifies me, she has a fierce temper and emotionally black mails me whenever I abandon her. She also drinks too much, then send me messages to tell me she hasn't touched a drop since I've been away, she only drinks when I visit, well she drank throughout my teens and tweenies (she hit the bottle around the menopause not before) but she likes to pin it on me. When I say drink I mean socially acceptable wine drinking which makes her unpleasant, sarcastic but not really exceptional that would send her to rehab, I noticed that this type of drinking is very common now sadly. I am practically t-total, her drinking ruined my childhood so I've gone the other extreme. So what is your advice, for an only child who can't pass the buck or share the burden. My granny was racist but she had 6 children who told her to shut up, rolled their eyes and then left for another week. Sadly I'm an expat, so I have to "visit" out of duty and stay under her roof but my ideal life would be to live a commutable distance, go visit to do my "duty", if she rants then tell her to shut up and go home (I feel little love for her). I have to deal with the expat guilt of being away. She always wants me to chose between my husband and her. We are in the process of buying a bolt-hole to stay in when we visit but in the UK that is a serious amount of money and to keep it empty as a lock up and leave is expensive and difficult. My in-laws have not provided a warm alternative for me, I don't have a great relationship with them either. They are terribly posh, and wealthy and simply dislike me, one of their dislikes is that I'm an only child. They see it as a burden for their son. He is a first born so we had the brunt of their parental expectations, Oxbridge degree, respectable job in the city, mortgage, family etc etc, they wanted all that, pushed hard for it, never got it so now they hate me for leading their son astray. No deviation allowed even if we're perfectly self-sufficient and have never asked for anything (seriously no bank of mummy and daddy for us) and our children for now are well educated at good international schools. Help, I've reached mid-life and I feel my life slipping away, I dislike all of them but I also feel my loneliness in the world. I recently caught my husband flirting (nothing more) with a work colleague with innuendos from her but really unpleasant when I knew they would be in the same hotel for business, so that really made me feel my vulnerability and how alone I am. I feel truly alone in the world. My expat life has also made it really hard to create alternatives to family like good friends (I used to have a couple). Help, mid-life crisis, any advice please, racist mother, unreliable husband, cold uptight in-laws, expat life….

Well, to start off, use paragraphs!

Ah I sound like a cow - but actually it would help you (and us in the reading) to keep things compartmentalised. Though you did list the problems at the end, so you've got a handle on it.

Go to Al-Anon. Read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. Your mother is a raging drunk, fully in the disease, which will bring you down with her. You can't save a drunk and unless SHE chooses to tackle her addiction - ie accept it would be a start - you are being destroyed along with her.

There are many posters who will jump on this and say "What do you get out of this relationship now?" (as if that's the only criteria for a relationship..) but I'm in that camp this time - I would leave her. Yy I know it's hard - I'm faced with a similar dilemma at the moment re aged parent - but the toll on your mental and emotional health is too great. She refuses to address her addiction and the disease is destroying you too. If she gets into recovery then that will be a different story - but while she is in active addiction there is simply no hope. Al-Anon will help you come to terms (and won't force).

We don't escape our crap beginnings, sadly, but go on recreating the shit in our adult relationships . Have you had therapy? I'd suggest you do - years not months or weeks. Settle in and face this shit once and for all.

You are far from alone with this (and you'll meet your tribe in al-anon!) and hopefully there'll be others along who share your experience. I don't have this specific experience (an alcoholic parent) but I do come from a toxic family so I recognise the themes.

You've done well to create a functioning family, even if you feel it's under threat at the mo

You aren’t alone, there are plenty of us out here with barking mad parents. It just feels like it, I know. Concerning your mum, I’d keep visits to a minimum and rely on skype more. And just ignore the snobby in-laws.

You have happy children and a husband who probably isn’t too unreliable.
Can you give yourself a boost? The sexiest and most attractive thing in the world is happy confidence, so can you do a bit of a project on yourself? Is there a college course or a sport you have wanted to do for years? A friend did her masters at 58 when her oh was getting a bit bored. She was out evenings, meeting new people and new influences, focussing on herself for once and boosting her own confidence. Her oh became much more attentive within weeks. It was really good for both of them.

How far away do you live from your mother? Can you reduce the visits? It sounds very stressful.

As for your loneliness - can you connect with other parents from school? Seek out hobbies for yourself? How long have you been en expat? You needn’t disclose where you live but most places have Facebook groups for expats where you can connect with other mums in the same boat - often there are meet ups.

Sounds like you feel as though you are in a rut...have a think about steps you can take to move out of that rut, do things for yourself.

You get nothing out of this relationship at all that is at all positive or actually worth having so I would walk away from your so called mother. Toxic crap like this can and does filter down the generations and now to you and I note too her own mother behaved the exact same. Your mother just repeated the same old instead of seeking the necessary help. Asking what a person gets out of a relationship now means asking what is in it for them in terms of their needs being met. Its nothing to do at all with criteria for a relationship, that is a completely different animal.

I would agree that therapy for your own self now is a must do as well as attending Al-anon meetings; if that is not possible at the very least read your literature. Enforce boundaries and deal with your fear, obligation and guilt properly before it further overwhelms you. She taught you how to be codependent and that is also stopping you move forward properly too.

Demonising a parent is not a healthy conclusion - during our journey to healing and release we will pass through blaming/hating/demonising a parent who has hurt and damaged us (usually due to their own unaddressed hurt and damage). It is rare they meant to do it - tho of course that does happen, sadly, just much more rarely than suggested on MN. most come from a generation where psychological delving just didn't happen, was an entirely foreign concept: it is unjust to expect the same awareness and wealth of knowledge we have today.

No, forgiving a parent/s is a healthy conclusion, though of course it takes a journey to get there - and forgiving doesn't mean letting off/feeling warm etc - God forbid. But it does mean we can set boundaries in peace not in ire.

Many of us have been on, still on, this fraught journey. You are far from alone with this

OP - you sound down. And it’s a jumble of issues you are mentioning.
If you have time - I do think a bit of therapy could help you process some of your childhood and adult life issues, as well as, possibly, give you strength to deal with your mom in the present time.

Also whilst saving for your “bolt hole” consider staying in a b&b, Airbnb or budget hotel when you next visit. That gives you chance to see her but also gives you your own space at the end of each day.

It is difficult for you. My grandma (who is now long dead) was racist in her views. I used to ignore her when she talked like that. She was born around 1900, and lived in a large terraced property in London. Her OH died and she was left alone there. Many of the adjacent properties were bought up by developers and let as flats - in the main to black tenants. I understood that her racism was born of fear - all that was familiar was being taken from her, and the place she lived in was changing around her in ways that she could not cope with on her own. So I understood the roots of her comments and tried not to make a huge issue of it.

My FIL too was racist and this used to get right up my nose - again I usually ignored it as once you got intoan argument with him you could kiss goodbye to the rest of the day - he would go on and on.

But luckily, none of these comments occurred in front of my chidlren, in which case my response would have been very different.

I do not envy you your dilemma. Clearly you do not want these things said in front of the children, and you do need to say that you do not agree with her and find her views unacceptable, so that the children hear you saying this. The only thing I would say is that your children are being brought up in a multi-cultural society and, as time goes by, hopefully you will find it is the children themselves who will shout her down!! Let us hope so.

Notice how you focused on her racism first - the thing about her you know for absolute certain is unacceptable. Then you slowly expand on her other unacceptable traits, which have actually caused you all the pain.

The racism isn't the issue, it's your mother herself and your relationship with her. Yes, you're an only child and this is your only life. It isn't easy to step away, let alone walk away. It doesn't necessarily get easier as your emotions will keep swinging up and down as you work through everything.

But if you step away you get freedom and time to look at yourself, to separate from the crazy and work on what you can do, how to save yourself first and then see if you can save your relationship with your mother after.