He never hit me.

[97sunnysideup]

I hope this poem helps someone. The thing that caused me the most doubts when trying to decide whether to leave my EA partner was that he never physically hit me, I thought no one would get it or that people would think I was ove reacting. But I was wrong and am overwhelmed by how understanding people have been. I never thought that would happen. Thankyou

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For years I've felt shame,
Carried his blame.
But was he in the wrong?
He never hit me.

The beginning was elation.
He set aside all hesitation.
So why do I hurt?
It's not like he hit me.

Watching my every move,
Interrogating my every mood.
He was so concerned about my well being
And he never hit me.

"Do this. It will make me happy."
"Why would you be cruel and make me unhappy?"
I did it.
And he didn't need to hit me.

I surrendered my basic rights
To avoid another 3-day fight.
He did do a lot for me,
and he never hit me.

His rules orchestrated my war
"Don't wear that, you look like a whore"
But, it can have been that bad
He never hit me.

Bad wife, bad friend,
Bad daughter, bad mother.
I was so bad I'd never find another.
I'd have probably deserved it if he had hit me...

But, then out of darkness a lioness emerged.
Purred away the fog in which I'd be submerged.

You still carry scars
if he never hit you.

Every insult, every demand,
Everything I had to fix.
Was all borne of cowardice
and his perceived state of bliss.

In which I was submissive and
gracious and calm.
In accepting my punishments,
tolerating grievous harm.

... So, today, with help,
I am healing these welts
And I consider
Isn't it a wonder I never hit him?

--------

The thing that caused me the most doubts when trying to decide whether to leave my EA partner was that he never physically hit me. I used to think that I was overreacting because it's not like I was ever physically beaten up - so what I was going through was nothing major by comparison to some other poor women (and men) out there.

But I have now discovered that people do get it . You don't need to show bruises in order for people to understand. I am being supported by police, local services and friends and fam.

I have turned to mn during this process and you have all been simply incredible at helping me open my eyes to this vile man |I was living with. One who criticized, belittled, coerced and controlled because he thought he was entitled to have all of me and give nothing back but pain and transactional affection.

Writing silly poems to help me figure out moments like this. It's certainly not a masterpiece. But if it helps someone else figure things out then that would be something.

Oh thank you sunnyside! 🌟

Well done for getting out 🌸 💐

Oi, not silly.

Thank you for sharing it. Those of us who have been, or are, there recognise it

Wow the timing of this is perfect ...thanks for sharing

XH never hit me. He didn't need to. He did it with words.
Maybe not the same as you, but it marked me all the same.
Some years later, I annoyed a male friend. It was nothing serious, but I cried for the rest of the day because it made me realise how scared I was of making a man angry with me.
Knowing that gives me some measure of strength. I hope it does for you too.

Brilliant, thank you so much for sharing. x

Great poem x you have a talent.

There's a sci fi/fantasy author I love, called Lois McMaster Bujold. As one of her characters once said:

As God is my witness, when I am laid to my rest, I hope my best beloved will have better to say of me than "He never hit me."

even if he does hit you, or push you, or block your exit, or prevent you going to the children... you can still feel like it is not that bad because you are not beat black and blue like someone else. It is part of the minimising our brain dos to help us survive. but it is that bad. as is coercive control, which may be more damaging long term psychologically.

It is very good. and you are right, he did not need to hit you with his fists but he was hitting you with his words, and his actions, and I bet he was very intimidating

My ex always tells me “I’m not a bad personality, I never hit you”

He didn’t need to (as I’m sure a lot of you will know)

Three years after leaving him, I’m slowly rebuilding my confidence and self esteem. I’m still single as I’m too scared to get into another relationship

Well done for having that insight and trying to encapsulate it into words to share

I say, with a healthy dose of irony, that I was ‘lucky’, because stbxh did hit me.

Finally, once, after 7 years of emotional, social, financial, sexual and actual physical abuse that I didn’t recognise.

It gave me the freedom within myself to say no, and to start looking for a way out.

I say ‘lucky’ in quote marks for very obvious reasons.

Plus the unlucky circumstances that have left me struggling with the physical after effects of that ‘just one hit’ years later.

So, I wish I’d been able to see the abuse before that one hit.

Apart from the physical damage he’s left me with though, which I know is just my bad luck, it is the other stuff that I’ve had more psychological problems dealing with.

Wow did you write that yourself? That's amazing.

I'm going through similar at the moment (my ex was violent on many occasions, strangulation etc, but he 'only' actually hit me once) I too thought that as I wasn't black and blue it didn't really matter.

It always matters.

He never hit me. But he did stop me socialising, never made sure I had money to buy food, didn’t allow me to plan anything nice to do, never said anything nice. I sometimes think I would rather have been hit, and I don’t say that with any disrespect to those who are subjected to physical violence. I have scars mentally that can’t be seen and will take years to heal. I m out of the relationship now and never want another.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind comments. And I apologise for my radio silence! Everything you have said has helped me.

Been a crazy few months trying to get back on my feet. Thank god he didn't succeed in alienating me from my family, as they have been my saviour.

(He did mount a significant campaign to make me hate my family, some of it crept in, but luckily I resisted, and they resisted, and I left before it stuck or lasting damage to relationships was done. Sadly the same can't be said for some of my friendships during this time - however I know that when I'm strong enough I can take control back and try to rebuild them.)

@BlackEyedSusan what you said about blocking exit and stopping you from doing certain things rings so true. I can remember times when he was yelling at me and I would be at breaking point (I think my fight or flight would kick in and I could think of nothing but how to leave the room immediately - I couldnt leave the house because my son was upstairs) and try to leave the room but he wouldn't let me. I think he would do this until I broke down and then he would have an excuse for criticising me for crying uncontrollably.

@Juststopit I am so sorry to hear what you went through. That is such a valid point and one that so many people must have thought. I used to think that if he actually hit me or beat me up at least people would more easily understand that. Then, like you, I'd feel so guilty knowing how awful it must be for women and men who are suffering physical abuse. It took me a long time to realise that regardless of the type of abuse it can all be damaging, none of it is ok.

@Wellthisisshit - well done for leaving, you are so strong and Im sorry for what you were put through. I recognised that the relationship was wrong, but they're so good at making it your fault. It took me many years to actually leave.

There was a point where he damaged something of mine and it was the first time he had broken the physical/emotional barrier (apart from the occasional shove, never hard enough that he couldn't pretend it was an accident). After this damage incident I found my self absolutely terrified, like a shaking, numb wreck. From the outside it may have seemed an over reaction but for me, I knew that if he ever lost control enough to do something that someone else could actually see, then he was capable of anything.

For anyone who is beginning to think about leaving. I can say, that even though I have lost out financially and he is still making my life hard, I just need to remind myself how much better off I am now, without his poison in my head and in my life. I cannot believe the things I used to put up with while I was under his control. Every day I learn more about what our relationship actually was, and I probably will keep learning for ever. But thank god I'm not there.

@mineofuselessinformation I know what you mean! I have to check myself regularly when dealing with any confrontation. I often check with my mum to see if my reaction is 'ok'. Often I will take huge measures to avoid confrontation with certain types of people. Other times I will over react and be more defensive than I should. Or turn into a numb wreck if certain words or phrases are used that he used to say to me.

It will take time to begin to cope, but atleast no more damage can be done. 💜It's all about repair and rebuilding now.

97 great poem, I found poetry very soothing in the early days after leaving my also EA ex.

Its funny because he was low level abusive for years and years, but things ramped up in the 2 or 3 years before I left him, but it was so insidious it was very hard to see it for what it was. 6 months before I left he did put his hands round my throat and I knew then I had to leave. I spent months getting my ducks in a row and trying to leave. It was the hardest thing I ever did.

2 years down the line, he still tries to abuse me. Difference is now I can ignore him. We have kids together and need to cmmunicate so its not like I can go totally no contact. I wish I could. I despire him now, for months I felt sorry for him, worried about him, tried to be friends. The final straw for me was before xmas he delighted in telling me he had a new woman, splashed it all over faceboook (there have been other he has told me about). So I told him I was also seeing someone. It was fine until he started to try control the other woman and she told him to fuck off. Then he got nasty again, because he can see I am happy.

The scars and wounds he caused are deep, and only now I am in a new relationship (weve been seeing each other on and off for months but now are exclusive) can I see how fucked up our relationship was. Its soi hard to explain to people who have never experienced emotional abuse what it feels like. I have triggers, triggers that make me feel like shit, give me panic attacks etc. I haven't had any therapy but I probably should, I am just a bit afraid it will never end, and I kind of want to block all that shit out.

He took the kids to school this morning then dropped off some of their things at my house. I have an intercom, but switch it off because soimetimes people call it at night, so I didnt hear it ring. Boyf's car is very distinctive and was outside. He sent me this message " I dropped some stuff off for the boys, I rang the bell but you were obviously busy", then 10 minutes later as I didnt reply " Was he on his vinegar strokes? At least have the fucking decency to acknowledge my fuckin message".

Thats the kind of shit still 2 years on he sends me. 2 years. But maintains I was and am the love of his life. And his excuse is he is hurting. Well done OP, and enjoy your freedom. I realised the other day, I finally felt free.

Well done 97 💐 onwards and upwards.

Thank you lovely poem @97sunnysideup

Everybody hits me in the end (usually if I try and leave them ) but that's not the bit that does the damage

I wish my ex had beat me black and blue, made it clear there was no negotiations
Instead he coerced manipulated bullied me out of everything I had
A beating would have been a small price to pay to not have to go through losing everything
I'd have given a front tooth, a collar bone, a broken hip

I think the emotional stuff (and financial) is the hardest to get over

I still question myself constantly and think is it me? Am I unloveable? Did I deserve to be treated that way?

If someone hits me I am relieved it's like we can stop pretending they're reasonable in any way
But if they don't they have more power because it's hard to see them cross those lines, especially because over time they erode your boundaries so you don't even know where they are anymore

My xh also says that he wasn’t abusive because he never hit me

I had no self esteem and was constantly on edge at the end of my marriage. The children were walking on egg shells too

It’s been almost 4 years since I left him and I am so much stronger now. There is no way I’d ever put myself or my children through something like that again

He still tries to bully me but I shut it down fast

He isn’t allowed in my house......it’s mine and I get to call the shots

I can relate to this too. Almost 3 years divorced now and I still can’t even contemplate living with a man again after the emotional abuse I suffered.

How do you know if it’s EA? How do you know you aren’t both equally to blame and it’s not just an argument? Asking for a friend...

I think people outside the marriage make the 'he never hit me' mindset so hard to break free from.

I'm nearly 9 years since moving out of my EA marriage (the divorce was, of course, drawn out, expensive and very painful), and my mum still doesn't get it. Little things like moving my house keys are still such a massive trigger for me, but she still can't/won't understand how utterly desolate the emotional abuse made me feel - and continues to affect us all 9+ years on.

If he had left a bruise or made me bleed I think my mum would be more accepting of my reasons to leave. And indeed it was one of my hard boundaries - if he had hit me I wouldn't have hesitated to leave (easy to say from 9 years away) but I suffered the EA for YEARS so am bound to suffer from those scars.

Unless you’ve experienced it, I don’t think you can truly understand how damaging it is

Almost 4 years after leaving him, I am still adamant that I will never live with another man or get married again

My friends don’t understand it.......even the ones who knew how bad my marriage was

I can’t imagine dating or living with a man. I never want to again. At least on my own I can’t get hurt again.
So many terrible long lasting effects that no one can see.