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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I be giving up?

15 replies

lobster27 · 25/07/2018 22:01

My partner and I had been together for 5 years, our relationship wasn't perfect by any means but we had always loved each other and worked through any issues. He can be a heavy drinker which had always caused arguments (he would go out and say he'd be home at 11 and then not even come home at all because he'd slept at his friends' houses etc. and I'd have to go pick him up in the morning after I'd stopped worrying sick!!).
A couple of months ago, he told me he wasn't happy in the relationship. I love him so much so obviously I was devastated. He wanted to end things but I convinced him to give it another try. He said we will see how it goes and hopefully he will start to feel happier again. So I was putting all of my effort in to be loving and affectionate etc. And he seemed to be happy.
Then when I came home one day he said he wanted me to leave our home to give him some space so that he could think things through. I was heartbroken and I went to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. He then contacted me saying he's made a horrible mistake and he understands if the answer is no but that he would love me to come back. I had been so heartbroken that I wanted to go back, but told him things would have to change on both of our parts to make it work.
So, I went back, and everything was lovely and great for a couple of weeks. He made so much effort, booking us weekends away and couldn't do enough for me around the house, plus hugs & kisses which were sorely lacking before.
Then, after those initial 2 weeks he went back to making no effort whatsoever and barely even said hello to me when I got in from work at night. I was miserable, crying every night and feeling completely worthless and unloved. I confronted him after a few weeks and he said he doesn't know whether he loves me anymore. I was devastated all over again - I stewed on this for a few days and plucked up the courage to tell him I was leaving as I deserve more than a partner who isn't actually sure whether they love me or not. He didn't fight for me to stay at all, so I left and didn't contact him.
He then contacted me very soon afterwards saying he's made a horrible mistake (again) and that he's so sorry for how he's treated me the past few weeks and that he's ruined his own life by behaving like this towards me. I didn't respond as I was still so hurt but was hoping that over a little more time he would think more clearly and realise he's throwing away someone he loves.
Anyway, a couple of days after these messages, I went to the house while he was out to grab a few things and he has taken down all of our photos from the walls and shoved them in drawers?!
I pictured myself marrying this person and having children with them and it has all come crashing down. Deep down I am still hoping that he will come around and realise he loves me but I feel like I'm being naive. Do you all think that I should just be moving on and forgetting him?

Please be nice! I don't have any friends to discuss this with so I am completely without any advice. I may be being daft but I love this person and we have 5 years behind us but I am finding it difficult to know what I need to do. Sad

OP posts:
rockstarchick · 25/07/2018 22:08

Oh blimey love
This is not how it should be !
I'm in no way to give advice because my life is in tatters but seriously read back your post and as yourself the question, I bet you already know the answer
When I first read your post, it sounds like what I went though too so I can relate but I couldn't deal with the chopping and changing
How can someone change their mind like that? You must be feeling so insecure. I know i would be.
You are worth so so so much more than this person is giving you
I know my ex is a git and he has put me through so much shit and I just feel girls like us deserve so much better ! Sending you a big hug x

rockstarchick · 25/07/2018 22:09

Btw I totally understand the part where you say you saw yourself marrying this person
So did I with my ex
I've only blocked him today so it's so raw but since January I've been battling on what to do ' waiting for him to be better ' he wasn't any better it's just worse because time has gone on and he hasn't proven anything to me x

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 25/07/2018 22:16

Move on and don't look back. My first thought when you said pictures had been put in drawers I immediately thought its because he has had another woman around. Whether or not he has, he has treated you appallingly. You deserve more op.

lobster27 · 25/07/2018 22:20

I just don’t understand how after 5 years you can just change your mind every 10 seconds on whether you love someone or not. My instinct was if he doesn’t know then he probably doesn’t love me so I should get out. Where I got the courage to do it I will never know! It’s so difficult.

OP posts:
lobster27 · 25/07/2018 22:21

One minute I tell myself I deserve more and the next I tell myself no one else will ever put up with me! It’s worn my confidence and self esteem down so badly Sad

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 25/07/2018 22:25

You deserve better than a man who isn’t sure how he feels for you and would put you through hell going back and forth.
I know how hard it is when you see a future with someone but it shouldn’t be like this

category12 · 25/07/2018 22:27

I wouldn't go back for another round of this, OP. he's got you on a push-pull cycle and it's really shit of him. He's a headfuck and he's ruining your self-esteem. You deserve so much better.

My advice is finish it yourself, block him, stop contact altogether. Allow yourself some time to grieve and get some distance. In the long run, you'll be happier for getting out.

rockstarchick · 25/07/2018 22:34

I feel like that too, one hand I deserve better but the other better the devil you know
I've blocked and deleted only tonight
I've already had an email since i did my final email to him to tell him
Goodbye and my reasons and never contact me
You can do this
We both can
I know the feeling of the push and pull and I need to break the cycle
I've sent far too many 'final' emails
Tonight I've meant it
I'm rock bottom
And I can't do it anymore
I've had the summer holidays as my focus
Lo split from school Friday and I've told myself I won't have him in out in out of our lives anymore
You can do the same xx

Onemansoapopera · 25/07/2018 22:38

I dont think he truly loves you sorry. I think he experiences withdrawal from you and struggles with it..so you have to be the assertive one really and break the cycle. It's not love its habit I'm afraid.

RabbitsAreTasty · 25/07/2018 22:44

Why don't you have any friends?

Did you have friends when you started dating him?

What about people you've met at work or hobbies or whatever?

Self-esteem smashed, no friends, poor behaviour in the break up from him. Was he nice to you when you were together?

lobster27 · 25/07/2018 22:51

Onemansoapopera you have just summed up my fears. I think he misses me but isn’t in love with me anymore, no matter how badly I want him to be. Sad

OP posts:
lobster27 · 25/07/2018 22:53

I am quite introverted so I have never had loads of friends. I had quite a few male friends when I started seeing him as I was quite a tomboy, but those friendships faded away once our relationship grew because they were with men! Ever since I’ve been left with no one really. I have “friends” at work but they are more like colleague relationships than deep friendships. I do get very lonely, which has made this so much harder as I feel like I’ve lost the one person I actually had.

OP posts:
Mum35x · 25/07/2018 23:03

My immediate thought reading your message about the pictures was the same as the poster above. Whether he has or hasnt ....One important thing about this is everything is on HIS terms ...can you go...can you come back..etc etc Where's the love and respect and the asking how YOU feel. It seems all one sided. He can't play with your feelings like that ...push you away then call you back when he wants.
After being in a marriage for 14 years to someone who was cold and non loving myself please dont put yourself through it again. You can't find mr right when your with mr wrong and you should be treated how you would treat someone else. I know it hurts but it will hurt longer if you stay. I would go no contact with him ..while you focus on yourself. I kept going back wishing my husband would change and he didn't and it made me feel worse being in limbo. Sorry you are going through this op x

lobster27 · 26/07/2018 06:50

Knowing him as I do I really don't think he would have had another woman around already so I have no idea why he's taken the photos down, I thought maybe he just decided it's time to move on now and removed them all, which hurts.

Thanks everyone, I just miss him so much and am finding it very difficult so needed some reassurance I have done the right thing in leaving. Worried I won't find anyone else as I have no social life etc. and I'm ready to be getting married and having kids!

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 26/07/2018 08:34

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM

Write this on a card. Look at it every time you feel yourself weakening.

Seriously, you have had a lucky escape. Going back would be the biggest mistake of your life, which you can now live and find things you enjoy about it.

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