My abusive parent died today...

[Inevereverwanttogohome]

That's it. I've posted under a couple of different names about abusive parent. Got a call off my brother to say that they had been found dead earlier today.

I don't feel much emotion about them, but sad about what happend to me, and also feel sad about the hopeful young child that they once were but horrible things happened to which perhaps led them on the path they did. But I had a rotten childhood and didn't turn out that way...

I won't be going to the funeral, it's all out now in our family and I don't feel the need to display fake grief for other people.

I am going to work tomorrow as usual. Has anyone else gone through this?

No I haven’t but wanted to answer.

I guess you are suffering a grief for your childhood. The death will bring all that up.

I can understand why you don’t want to go to the funeral but it’s a time to really look after you.

You have no reason to feel anything but how you feel💐
My aunt had a feeling of weird happiness when my nan got dementia, as growing up she was an abusive drunk.
You feel how you do for a reason, a good one, maybe one day you'll feel different but now how you feel is perfectly normal for you.
There's no need for fake emotion.

I have and have to say never regretted not going to funeral. I will be doing the same once my step dad dies who raised me from 6 months.

I won't go into details but I did not have a good childhood, scars j bear even at the age of 47 and something I will never come to grips with.

I had an abusive step parent and I always think how will I feel when they die?

I hate him so so much but he also bought me up until I was 13. He also abused until I was 13 too.

I know when he dies I will be safe (although he is no where in my life and I am no longer a little girl and he wouldn't be bothered about me now).

But I always wonder if I will feel some kind of sadness?

I have never seen a post like this before but I am glad you have posted because it gives me hope as I would hate to be sad when he does....

Thanks all. My head is splitting so going to try and get some sleep. cindersrella. I don't feel any sadness for the adult, in fact quite calm. I feel sorry about other things thoug including my lost childhood. Going to carry on as normal tomorrow and into work, but will be kind to myself. I am lucky that I have lovely colleagues who will not judge me.

I am glad you feel like this, I think you sound very level headed and a really strong person. Thankyou for replying x

Thank you cindersrella . I woke up with a start this morning and knew that something had happened yesterday, and couldn't remember what at first. I still have a headache but other than that I honestly feel fine and I don't feel sad about him.

I am sorry to hear that you also had an abusive childhood, but remember that person didn't bring you up. You got it right in the next sentence, he abused you, and you owe him nothing. Take care x

Sorry to hear you had aN abusive parent. I had abusive Christian foster parents. I don’t have any contact with them since I left aged 16. I find myself thinking sometimes wondering if they are dead or still alive. I live in another country now so I would never find out. I’ve had so much psychotherapy & I suffer with depression but everyday they managed to still affect me.

My mother died in January, I did not feel sad in fact I could not feel anything for her, she had been enabler for my step father to abuse me. She was also a very violent to me and neglectful.

I did not go to her funeral, my husband took me for a meal and then at the precise time of her funeral we went to the beach opened a bottle of champagne and I toasted her with the words I hope you will be toasting some were warm. the only thing I found upsetting was that my friends sent me condolence cards, they assumed that I would feel the way they would feel if their mother had died.
I hope you take care of yourself x

I hadn't seen my abusive father for twenty years when he died. I felt a bit weird and cried, but I'm not sure why.

My mum (separated from him for 20 years too) thought that it would be sad for him to have no one at his funeral, so the whole family went as well as a few of his work mates.

Even the priest knew what he was like and didn't sugar-coat his talk: 'Whatever your memory of x is, it is your memory and we are here today to say goodbye in our own way.'

So I went to the funeral to please my mum but it was a quick and emotionless affair. No one had anything good to say about him. It was all a bit odd. But we were together to draw a line under experience of him and that felt like we had our conclusion.

I haven’t experienced this, but I will one day.

We’ve done our grieving for the parents we wanted to have years ago, so it’s understandable that you don’t feel that now.

I didn’t go to either of my abusive parents’ funerals. I cried when my mother died, but not because of any grief over her. I was grieving for the loving mother I never had, and grieving that there was now no possibility that she would ever apologise or turn into mummy wonderful. (Not that it was ever likely!)
My poor DSis had to unveil a plaque to our abusive father, in front of the local press. I don’t know how she got through it, I would have refused and told them exactly what he was really like.
You are entitled to whatever reaction or feelings you are experiencing, OP.
Be gentle with yourself. I hope you feel nothing but relief. You can discuss any of it here and be supported, although it sounds like your family already know the score and understand.

Only emotion I felt when my mum died was happiness. I always felt so jealous of people who loved their mums were devastated when they died etc. Now I am half ways towards being as bad as my mum so need to sort myself out big time.

My mother died recently- she suffered for a few weeks after a fall. I knew but pretended I didn't get a call/text etc because of the same... I couldn't stand the fake grief. My sister and I used talk constantly about how nasty and manipulative, unloving and vicious she was, there no way I could pretend I was sad. I had once said to my sister I wouldn't be sad when she died or upset at the funeral! Turns out during the time she was dying- she told all the family what I said and how I wouldn't go to the funeral.
I am now the evil person in the family.
Ostracised and alone. Maybe I'm like her after all.
They were all jealous that my kids go to renowned independent schools- all labour voters and despise the life I lead ; they finally got their reason to give me their opinion of me and my family.
( my sisters husband is a druggie and sells it! He is constantly paranoid and bullies my sister - covering it with a business of car repair and oversea travel)
I guess my point is ... Think it through to the final conclusion. Is a couple of hours worth some ongoing peace?

My dad died a few weeks ago. He wasn't abusive. However he was serially financially reckless, dishonest, and unfaithful in his marriages and ultimately absent for long periods of time for his children. His behaviour disrupted my childhood and he was absent in my life from when I was 14-35. So whilst he wasn't a monster, and wasn't abusive, our relationship hasn't been that of a typical parent and child and his death didn't elicit the stereotypical grief.

I've mostly felt grief for the relationship that could have been, that he could have instigated, even at this late stage. Anger that he wasted everything he had, and the finality of that. Sadness that I know he had regret and was lonely in his final years, and anger again at the damage he caused and that he didn't do anything about it. I should be grieving for his loss but I've already spent my teenage years doing that, after he left.

The bottom line is, it's ok to be ok. Be kind to yourself and just feel whatever you feel. It's not a normal relationship, so you won't have 'normal' feelings, and it won't pan out like normal grief does.

Of course you shouldn't feel obliged to go to this parent's funeral. They were abusive to you so it's entirely understandable that you would feel fake if you did go.

My abusive F died 20 years ago. He had sexually abused DSis and me when we were children (and physically and emotionally too), but we'd repressed the memories of what happened to us, though I'd had strange images for years that I couldn't understand. The things I did remember of the physical and emotional abuse I didn't recognise as such. He'd always been controlling as well, but I didn't recognise that as abuse either. He'd always made my skin crawl and I hated it when he wanted physical contact with me as an adult.

I did grieve for him and I did go to the funeral. My feelings for him were very complex and there was a part of me that still loved him, as I had done as a small child. But at the point where he was dying, I found myself willing him to die, and I felt relief that he was no longer around. I was shocked to discover that there was another part of me that hated him and was glad that he was dead.

I buried those feelings and convinced myself that he was the doting farther that my DM said he was. My DSis was the same.

The scales started to come off my eyes when DH and I started adoption training and we talked about what every child needs and how the most important thing was that a child should feel safe. It was at that point that I realised that I'd never felt safe as a child.

The memories came flooding back when we had young children. It was horrible but also made sense of the conflicted feelings I'd had when my F was alive, and why there had always been a knotted anger inside me.

I also realise now just how bad things were, because I just can't imagine doing any of the things that he did (DM abused us physically as well). I was afraid of him, and I never want my DDs to be afraid of me.

I also feel really sad that I never had the relationship with my parents that I now have with my DDs.

There really is no right or wrong way to feel, that's what I've learnt through this. So you really mustn't think badly of yourself for not wanting to pretend that you had a good relationship with the parent who has died. And don't let anyone guilt trip you into going to the funeral, it's entirely your choice.

I won't say sorry for your loss...but I am sorry for everyone here responding (myself included) who has experienced abusive parents and the loss of having loving/supportive parents in their lives. This post resonates with me as I kind of dread what will happen when my mother dies - I'm currently not in contact to protect myself. I won't know what to do when the time comes. It is very hard, but over all you do have to do what you feel is best for yourself.

Thank you so much everyone for responding. I am so sorry that you have gone through these nightmares.

I am feeling quite good today, and I stand by my decision not to go to his funeral. I have talked it through with a couple of people whose opinions I respect (health professionals). Although they don't the ins and outs of it all they said that they know we well enough to know that I wouldn't make this sort of decision lightly so understand I must have a very good reason. My colleaguess have been lovely.

I really do a lighter of heart, and have no sadness other than having missed on a decent childhood.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences and advice, it has been truly helpful