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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband of 9 years doesn't know how he feels anymore

7 replies

northernirishgirlonline · 25/07/2018 19:15

We've been together for 14 years, married for 9. He is in the military and is away a lot. He told me recently he doesn't know if he loves me anymore and doesn't know if it's because it's normal and familiar with me or if it's love. We have been in £30k debt for over a year, are now on a DMP. I was diagnosed with PTSD recently, but the past two years have been extremely tough especially for him, having to deal with me not wanting to get out of bed, being called home when on operations because I was suicidal and then finding out we can't have children due to a medical condition he has. He told me three days ago that he's sick being stuck at home with no money, he's sick not having any money. He said to me he doesn't know what I can do to rekindle his feelings, but some of the decisions I've made recently have made him feel we don't have the same mindset. We do, I left my job due to my PTSD two weeks before the contract ended, big mistake and I apologised, I won't be able to move on if he leaves me, too much has happened to me and him leaving me would be the last straw. He's told me he needs space to sort his head out, I'm trying to give him that space, but I haven't eaten and barely slept in three days. I've even returned to my faith, continually praying not to take him away from me and I'll be a better person, I'll give everything up and do whatever he needs to make him happy, but just not to make him leave me.
I've applied for 100 jobs in 3 days, I hold a degree, but I am applying for everything, you name it I'm applying for it. I've applied for cleaning jobs, shop jobs, everything. I feel so low and am considering whether I just give up and go ahead with my plan to end my life anyway, put him out of his misery. My debt wouldn't be left to him; it was in the process of being turned into token payments as I'm not working. He separated our debts on Monday, and I just feel like he's doing that because he's coming home to end the relationship. Please do not reply to this telling me I'll cope or move on or too wise up, he saved my life, he took me away from my abusive mother and from my rapist. If I had not gotten sick everything would be fine, we wouldn't be in this much debt, and we would be happy. He doesn't want me to move back to where he is based as he doesn't think it will make any difference as he would be away a lot. I told him I didn't care as I'd be working all hours of the day to get rid of the debt and bring money into the home so we can beat the debt.

No one will be a guarantor which I understand why, but if we had that we'd be able to consolidate the debts and afford monthly repayments no problem.

I even set up a Go Fund Me just asking it to help me rebuild my life after my PTSD.

I don't know what else to do or how to make him see it's just the debt that's causing him these doubts and that if that weren't there, we'd be happy. When we are together, we are so good together, and a lot of our friends say how obvious it is we are in love, well I'm in love.

I can't do this anymore, I've just cried, prayed and applied for jobs.
Please help me.

OP posts:
NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 25/07/2018 19:23

Are you on any medication for the PTSD? my daughter was diagnosed with it a few years ago so I am aware of how it impacts on your life.
Do you have anyone in RL who you can talk to?

RabbitsAreTasty · 25/07/2018 19:26

I doubt very much that it is just the debt.

You must not decide that another person's feeling are not valid.

I won't tell you you'll get over it.

I will tell you that you absolutely accept that he can end the relationship if he wants to, for any reason at all, even if you strongly disagree with him.

Don't debase yourself. Head high, chin up. Let him go.

northernirishgirlonline · 25/07/2018 21:06

I don't want to let him go, that's the point. The reason I think it's the debt is that the reason's he said he isn't sure has a lot to do with not being able to go anywhere or do anything due to the debt, not being able to enjoy life, because of the debt. It's wearing him down and is poisoning our relationship.

I won't survive it; I'm worthless like my mother said, useless, ugly and can't even keep a man happy.

OP posts:
northernirishgirlonline · 25/07/2018 21:08

Yes, I am on Venlafaxine but am desperate to come off it due to the dangers and side effects. Not only that no medication will help me, as I still suffer from all the same symptoms even though I am on the highest dosage.

I have a Counsellor and I can talk to my two best friends, my husband is very private so wouldn't want me telling our friends. I have told my Counsellor and she does think we can get through it, but he won't go to a marriage counsellor. If I hadn't of gotten sick we'd be so happy, we only ever argue over money, nothing else, just money.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/07/2018 23:29

I read your first post about wanting to end your life , please don’t!! I know the pain you’re experiencing right now feels inescapable but it is!

You are pinning a lot of your happiness on this man and I think you feel that maybe it’s all your fault, we’ll it isn’t ! When someone truly loves another person they go through hell and high water for them. Pretty much what you are putting yourself through to stay with your husband , he isn’t doing the same . You deserve true love and happiness, he isn’t making you happy is he? I get the feeling you are very anxious to make him happy and to please him, imagine for a second not having to feel that pressure and just be able to do what you want to please you.

Please call the Samaritans if you can’t talk to friends but I really think you should reach out to them.

Sending you strength and positive thoughts op, you deserve someone better I think who is able to support you through thick and thin and not leave when the going gets tough.

Flowersxxx

northernirishgirlonline · 25/07/2018 23:54

@FuckItPassMeTheWine Thank you for your kind message, he used to be such a doting person, but my PTSD has ruined him and made him depressed. I'm feeling anxious because I am being left in limbo, not knowing if he can try and fight anymore. He's been fighting for a good year at least for our marriage, but I was too focused on myself (being selfish) thinking he'd never fall out of love with me, I've neglected him for so long and the debt has worn him down. I just want him to let me show him we can get better, but he doesn't know.

OP posts:
Vampyress · 26/07/2018 00:03

Dear OP,

My baby brother killed himself over the end of a relationship (we both grew up in an abusive household) and whilst you may not belive me I need you to understand that nobody and I repeat nobody was better off without him. I went with my mum to identify him at the police station and to this day it haunts me in every way possible... nobody recovered and if I am honest, I can't forgive him for it, because he mad suicide real for me, an option for if things became too hard to bear.

When my ds was born 14 months ago I got severe post natal depression due to his colic and my inability to get him to nurse properly. It was also the same time as i became estranged fom my toxic and emotionally abusive mother. I wanted to end it all, I was so convinced that if my own mother couldnt love me and if I couldn't even do what nature intended then I was worthless. I was convinced my children and DH would be better off with a new life and an undamaged mother/wife. For me, my turning point was my son smiling at me for the first time, I hadn't even realised I had been smiling enough for him to have even learned how to do that from me. Now I am more than a year on from that dark period and expecting another baby with DH and I am not afraid or even close to feeling worthless, all because of a smile.

The point I am trying to make my darling is that it is okay to be broken, it's okay to find it tough, but you bloody matter. Finding a light in the tunnel can come at the most unexpected time and with kindness and compassion for yourself you will find happiness. You are not the problem, what you have been through is not your fault and even though I don't know you, if I could I would be taking you out for coffee, a hug and giving you the love I wish i could have given my brother when the tunnel closed in. xxxx

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