We've been together for 14 years, married for 9. He is in the military and is away a lot. He told me recently he doesn't know if he loves me anymore and doesn't know if it's because it's normal and familiar with me or if it's love. We have been in £30k debt for over a year, are now on a DMP. I was diagnosed with PTSD recently, but the past two years have been extremely tough especially for him, having to deal with me not wanting to get out of bed, being called home when on operations because I was suicidal and then finding out we can't have children due to a medical condition he has. He told me three days ago that he's sick being stuck at home with no money, he's sick not having any money. He said to me he doesn't know what I can do to rekindle his feelings, but some of the decisions I've made recently have made him feel we don't have the same mindset. We do, I left my job due to my PTSD two weeks before the contract ended, big mistake and I apologised, I won't be able to move on if he leaves me, too much has happened to me and him leaving me would be the last straw. He's told me he needs space to sort his head out, I'm trying to give him that space, but I haven't eaten and barely slept in three days. I've even returned to my faith, continually praying not to take him away from me and I'll be a better person, I'll give everything up and do whatever he needs to make him happy, but just not to make him leave me.
I've applied for 100 jobs in 3 days, I hold a degree, but I am applying for everything, you name it I'm applying for it. I've applied for cleaning jobs, shop jobs, everything. I feel so low and am considering whether I just give up and go ahead with my plan to end my life anyway, put him out of his misery. My debt wouldn't be left to him; it was in the process of being turned into token payments as I'm not working. He separated our debts on Monday, and I just feel like he's doing that because he's coming home to end the relationship. Please do not reply to this telling me I'll cope or move on or too wise up, he saved my life, he took me away from my abusive mother and from my rapist. If I had not gotten sick everything would be fine, we wouldn't be in this much debt, and we would be happy. He doesn't want me to move back to where he is based as he doesn't think it will make any difference as he would be away a lot. I told him I didn't care as I'd be working all hours of the day to get rid of the debt and bring money into the home so we can beat the debt.
No one will be a guarantor which I understand why, but if we had that we'd be able to consolidate the debts and afford monthly repayments no problem.
I even set up a Go Fund Me just asking it to help me rebuild my life after my PTSD.
I don't know what else to do or how to make him see it's just the debt that's causing him these doubts and that if that weren't there, we'd be happy. When we are together, we are so good together, and a lot of our friends say how obvious it is we are in love, well I'm in love.
I can't do this anymore, I've just cried, prayed and applied for jobs.
Please help me.