This is my first ever post and a fear may be a bit of a ramble. I haven't shared my feelings with anyone, even my husband so please bear with me.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for 8. We have two lovely children aged 2 and 3. However, over the last couple of years, since my youngest was born, I feel that I have been slowly falling out of love with my husband and questioning whether I really ever loved him at all in the first place. The reality of having two children, one of whom is extremely demanding, seems to have taken a huge toll on our relationship and we don't make time for each other as we used to. It feels like we have so little in common apart from the kids and question myself daily about why I married him in the first place. Logically of course I know we were once happy as we decided to have kids together but it feels so hard to remember those times.
Importantly, our sex life is non-existent. I blame myself a lot for this as a breastfed my daughter for a very long time and it had a big impact on my sex drive. Since I've stopped, however, I really feel I don't want to have sex with him and the idea actually repulses (something which I find too hurtful to tell him as I know I would be devastated if he told me he was feeling like that about me!)
I must stress that there are no other parties involved and I don't wish to be with another man, I just feel I don't want to be with my husband. He has lots of a good qualities: he's a good dad, is caring and loyal, but in spite of myself I can't help fantasising about moving out with the kids and living somewhere just the three of us (I would never be able to afford the mortgage on our family home by myself). I know this is incredibly selfish as it would be very hard on the children who adore their dad but I really feel sometimes that I can't stand anything about the poor man from the way he speaks to the way he touches me and his interfering parents, who cause an awful lot of friction between us.
In short, I feel completely turned off by my husband and, although I know that we should rebuild our intimacy by having sex and spending more time together as a couple, I feel like I don't want to. As awful as it sounds I don't want him anywhere near me and although I know that he will always be a part of my life because of our children, the thought of spending the rest of my life with him fill me with despair. To be honest deep down I know he deserves to be with somebody who really appreciates him, rather than picking fault with him as I know I do.
Can I save things? Do I just need to be pull myself together and make it wok? If you've ever felt this way, how did you change the situation for the better? Any advice much appreciated (and sorry for going on and on!). xxx