The back story is that I am the family scapegoat, and despite always being a people pleaser and dutiful daughter, my parents have always found it easier to criticise or gang up on me in order to curry favour with my brother (who has MH issues). My DB spent many years of our childhood not speaking to me over some perceived slight or trivial matter (my parents always dealt with their own quarrels this way) and the atmosphere when I was growing up was very toxic. I was and still am an extremely anxious person, and also very non-confrontational. There is so much more I could write about my childhood but I am trying to keep it short!
I met DH when I was in my early 20s and moved away from my hometown, which was the best thing I could’ve done. Seeing how my DH and his family dealt with things made me realise how weird my own upbringing was, and also getting my DH’s perspective on the way my family treat and treated me was very useful as I knew it wasn’t just me who thought it was wrong.
About 12 years ago my DB fell out with me again because I did not want a poker table at my wedding reception, I thanked him for the offer (he is a big gambler) but it was not the kind of thing I wanted at my reception. He dealt with this by throwing a huge strop and refusing to speak to me for several years after, including on my wedding day which he chose to come to anyway.
A few weeks after my wedding my maternal Grandma died. We weren’t close (she wasn’t the kindly mother or grandmother in storybooks, and everyone agreed she favoured my mum’s older sister and her family over any of the other siblings) but I planned on making the 8 hour round trip to attend the funeral. A few days before the funeral I rang my mum to find out the arrangements and where I needed to be and when. My mum told me how she, dad and DB were getting there and said to me “Of course, because DB isn’t speaking to you, you won’t be welcome in the ‘family car’”. I found this deeply hurtful and decided fuck it, I’m not going, and went into work instead. If I’d been close to my grandma in any way or thought she was a good person I’d of course have gone anyway.
A few weeks later on a trip to see my parents my dad told me he needed some help with an Excel file and could I take a look at it. I sat on his computer and looked in his My Documents and there was a Word document called “Email to [my name]”. A few days earlier he had sent me a lovely email about his trip to Greece so I thought it was that saved in draft and wanted to read it again (I know this sounds like BS but it’s the absolute truth). When I opened it it was the most horrible letter to me, full of terrible things about why I was an awful daughter - things that I can’t forget and even now return to in my head. He also mentioned how embarrassing it had been explaining my absence at the funeral to my auntie and cousins and how selfish it was of me not to go. It was written as if from both him and my mum. I guess he had decided not to send it after all. He didn’t know about the conversation with my mum where she told me I wasn’t welcome in the ‘family car’. It was like a knife through my heart, my heart was pounding and I was hot and breathless, like a panic attack, fortunately we were leaving that day anyway so I did the Excel thing and closed everything down and then we left shortly after.
A few weeks later speaking to my mum on the phone we started talking about my brother and it led to an argument and I told her about what I’d found on the computer. She said she knew nothing about it and that she would go and look. She called back and said she was angry as he had written it as if from both of them but it certainly wasn’t her feelings about things. Who knows if that’s true or not. We agreed least said soonest mended, as is always the case in my family, and as far as I know to this day he doesn’t know that I know.
Since then some will-related stuff happened that means we all have nothing to do with my auntie and her family. My DB and I had a nasty email from one of my cousins about various things but she mentioned me not going to the funeral, she doesn’t know the real reason I guess she just knows whatever my mum and dad told her at the funeral. I chose to ignore her email. Ironically, knowing what we all know now about the will, my DM, DF and DB wish they’d also not gone to the funeral. My DB replied to the email from my cousin saying as much.
Fast forward to now 12 years after I found the letter. I get on with my family on a superficial level but i wouldn’t say we are close. Only my DF is demonstrative in his affection, which makes me cringe because I can’t forget the letter. He is very complimentary towards me, my DH and DC but all of it feels false because I feel like I know what he really thinks.
He is in his 70s now and whilst I don’t particularly want to open a can of worms or fall out with anyone, I also can’t forget about the letter. I’ve toyed with the idea of letting him know but I also think he’d be devastated. I assume my DM hasn’t told him that I read it or he would’ve mentioned it to me.
Aside from learning the lesson not to read stuff on other people’s computers, even if they appear to be addressed to me, how do I move past this?
Thank you for reading.