I'm still so angry at myself for putting up with exes abuse

[SomethingCleverandWitty]

I haven't been with my ex for years, I am actually with my now DP and have been for some time (who is amazing and I am completely in love with him) but I still can't help being so angry and confused at myself for why I put up with my exes abuse for so long.

It was the worst time of my life and it's damaged me so much. He was incredibly emotionally abusive. Typical narcissistic behavior and just utterly horrible to me constantly. Calling me all the names under the sun, making comments about weight and looks. How I never put in enough effort for him.

He was violent too, not so much physically although he would grab my face and hold me against the wall if he thought I wasn't paying attention to him the way he'd like but he would tell me what he'd like to do to me and be so close to my own face whilst he did it. He would shout and swear and throw things at me. Pull doors off their hinges, put holes in the wall etc... Our neighbors called the police because (I quote) 'they thought he was going to kill me'. I remember locking myself in our bathroom whilst he tried to kick the door down and thinking 'this is how I'm going to die'.

He used to blame it on his bipolar & tell me how utterly awful and unsupportive I was if I ever questioned why he was so mean to me.

I'm out of it now thank God and with someone who treats me well & loves me. But I still think about everything I went through all the time. Not because I still care about ex at all in any way but because im still so angry.

I'm angry at myself for letting it happen. I never thought I was that person to let someone treat them so appalling and do nothing. I'm angry because it changed me & still affects me to this day. My self confidence is shot to pieces and it's all because I didn't leave earlier.

I'm angry that no one knows what he did to me (we have mutual friends who still see him) and that I'm being the bigger person by not plastering it across the sky what he is really like. He used to act nice towards me in front of our friends and then if they left the room he'd tell me I'd said something not quite right in a conversation and we'd 'discuss this later'. I'd dread our friends going home and being left alone with him. Why did I let him make me feel like this?!

I want everyone to know what a monster he is and how much he hurt me but I know this wouldn't be right.

IM JUST SO ANGRY STILL!

It would be right for everyone to know what a monster he is.

He IS a monster.

I’m so glad you are out of the relationship but I imagine part of why you can’t get closure is because he’s never been held accountable for all of the abuse.

He deserves to be held accountable.

It’s not your job to keep his secret and I wouldn’t hide what he did.

It’s not a surprise that your angry, domestic abuse is down played by such a degree that no one even considers things like PTS could be something the survivor has to deal with.

Ultimately you got away, and you should be so incredibly proud of yourself for that. I was abused by my dad as a kid, and for a long time I hated myself for continuing to see him into my early 20s, for still loving him in some way. I’ve come to realise I wasn’t to blame for this, good people don’t behave the same as these evil men, they give chances to people, they want to see the best in others, support them. But what you have taken from this is that you know you need to also look out for yourself, and prioritise your safety and mental health. You’ve also learnt that you have the strength to leave.

I think you owe yourself a lot more credit than you think

Could counselling help? It will give you the chance to just talk everything out which can be so helpful.

I know how you feel! My ex has a girlfriend and his family know what he did to me (I was homeless, my savings were drained, had our little baby and no job but most of all I was mentally broken from all the verbal/psychological / emotional abuse) I get so angry when I think of his mum saying all the things to this new woman she used to say to me. No answers I'm afraid, just identify with how you are feeling.

You have every right to be angry, be something wrong if you were not. However as you said it is extremely distructive. I found Mindfulness really helped me I went nc with my family and felt absolute rage at their behaviour. Remember best revenge is a life well lived.... Good for you taking control and getting out

Thank you all. Sorry to hear some of your stories there are just some terrible people around.

I did leave but I did it by running away whilst he was at work one day. I was never brave enough to stand up to him. That annoys me too because at first he spun me as the bad guy who flee'd into the night without a word to poor old him who didn't know what on Earth he'd done wrong.

I guess I feel guilty for feeling so mad still when I'm so happy with new DP. It's just I look at myself now and I'm still a shell of what I used to be before my ex, years after we broke up. I find myself not wanting to challenge my DP now on things he may do wrong because I'm so scared of his reaction and then I think 'calm down, he isn't ex, you can talk to him' but it's like I'm still, years later, having to reassure myself of my situation.

I did a secret leaving too. I think anyone who hears that you did that is more likely to have alarm bells about what could drive a person to do that than see your ex as a victim. There would have been no point confronting ex and it may have put you in danger if you had.

It's really tough though, my anger has resurfaced because ex is with someone new and playing the interested Dad role with our son. (Who he's previously had very little interest in and sees on his terms) it feels like my little boy is a pawn in his game. And I know the new woman will be hearing about how unreasonable I was for leaving ex. 🤬

Did you ever get counselling?
Did you do the Freedom Programme?
You got away. That was a brave thing to do.
I agree with others.
Why are you keeping his horrible secret?

If you've not had any counselling then do get in touch with Womens Aid. They will be able to let you know specialist counsellors in your area.

Domestic abuse lives with you forever. But you need to learn how to deal with all your emotions.
Please get some specialist outside help.
You deserve to be at peace!

Can I ask what previous posters mean about keeping his secret? I tell people my ex was abusive but I always feel like they probably don't believe me. Is there a dignified, non head messing up way of not keeping his abuse a secret? Also if you could let his new girlfriends family know he is abusive anonymously would you do it? I feel it's the right thing to do as when he did it to me he said No one had ever accused him of being abusive before (they had) and it was hard not to believe him as he is a police sergeant so he's meant to know about his stuff. Sorry for derail.

Tell everyone but casually in passing when something relevant is happening. Act like it is ancient history and of course they must have known.

Like there is mention of MeToo or some form of violence against women mentioned "Yeah, horrible isn't it? I still can't believe I put up with Bob's violence for all those years." "I hope she manages to do a midnight flit from her abusive boyfriend like I did."

Scary thing happens "Oh god I haven't been so scared since Bob last attacked me."

No wonder you are still angry if you are still keeping his secret.

My DS2's girlfriend has been living with us for years because of abuse in her family. I'm still hearing about incidents that happened long ago - her dad pinning her to the wall by her throat, FFS. She was 16.

She still arranges to meet her DPs in town. Said that she knows he may never change, but "Prawn, i may give up one day but I'm only 23 and I still hope my dad will love me." Breaks my heart.

Good people try to fix things. Good people assume others are good too. You aren't to blame for any of this.

Totally understand your feelings although I didn't keep it quiet towards the end.
All I do know is if was I'm not position to go for a long time and often terrible relationships aren't terrible all the time.

I should have got out sooner though, the damage has been awful. Financial and emotional.