Am I just his beard

[Huzzah8]

This is my first post so I hope this is ok.
I think my partner might be using me a a decoy, I don't think he likes to spend time with me as he goes to the pub every night so we never have dinner together or watch tv together or such like ( I'm guessing that's what couples do ). We have been together 15 years, a few years ago I saw a txt on his phone asking if he was up for some "cock fun" , I wasn't looking through his phone, it was just the msg preview on the screen but when I saw that I saved the number into my phone and contacted the person who sent the msg and turns out they had met up a few times, I think it was handjobs and blowjobs. My partner eventually told me he had got in contact with this guy as he saw his number on a wall in some public toilets. Well any way after time I forgave him, then last year he had used one of the tablets in the house and logged into his emails and didn't log out, I saw that he was getting messages for a guy on craigs list, the content of the msgs was that they wanted to met up for gay fun, I don't think they did met up as they were not available at the same times. But then I did a thing, I looked through his phone and found that he had been looking at the met up section of craigs list for the areas that he was working in, I had confronted him and he said he just like looking at the pictures ( of men's willies ) , but then why specifically look for met ups where he was working ? I also found him at a dogging area on the gay side, I was just driving past ( not dogging, it's a road to a village near by) but his van was parked up so I pulled over and he came over from the side that is used for male encounters ( I looked it up) he told me he was just being sick but I know him and he wouldn't have gone to the trouble of going all the way across the road to vomit. A few years back he told me our sex life had gone down hill as I had put on weight so I lost weight and he still doesn't touch me, hasn't done now in 3 years. I have no one to talk to about this as I'm so shy, I don't have proper friends or family .some times I just feel like this is my lot now and I'll never have a partner that wants to be with me or likes me.
I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest and wondered if it's normal or If anyone else's partner went out every night and didn't spend time with them or am i just a decoy to cover up the fact he might be gay ?
We do have 3 children together

Unfortunately he has checked out of your marriage and into the gay scene .
See a solicitor.
And an sti nurse.

Sorry he is a twat.

Yes! Is the short answer... too many things have gone on and too many coincidences. Get out while you can, you’re wasting your life while he’s making sure he’s having his fun (without you)

He’s cheating on you and potentially exposing you to STIs. Whether he’s gay or not is besides the point. He has betrayed you time and again. Get out now.

You know the answer; I know it's hard to look at, but you and I both know it's there, over your shoulder.

You can do whatever you choose to do on the back of that knowledge, but please don't try and convince yourself it isn't so. You know it is.

The short answer to your question is yes.

Thank you for your replies
Yes you are right I do know the answer. It's easy for me to look at the fact but then he is so good at sweet talking me, telling me that things will change, that he will be like a real partner. But it never happens. I think I'm just scared to be on my own, even though I feel like I am on my own, i still feel like I have to run things by him and look for his approval.

He has treated you terribly!! I’m so sorry OP.

Having an interest in men does not justify nor excuse the cheating and disrespect to which he has subjected you.

I find it utterly repulsive that some of the people he had met were from toilet booths - please get yourself STI checked.

I hope you can find the strength within yourself to leave this situation and live a happy life with your dcs

OP - he is either gay, but at a min bi.
No way around it.
And is hiding and sneaking around, more importantly. Doesn’t matter much with men or women.

Where it does matter - and especially given what his was seeking quite risky sexual experiences - is the potential risks.
Even if you haven’t had sex in a while - you don’t know how long it’s been going on. Get a full sti check. Some things may take a while to show up.

Hes cheating on you. Is he gay or bi? Well hes having sex with men and not women (including you), so yes you may be a beard.
Even if youre not, hes cheating on you blatantly and insulting your intelligence with his excuses. Hes a coward and youre worth more, sorry

Sorry he is cheating on you. He has checked out of the marriage and would seem to be active on the gay scene. Get yourself checked for STIs and time to end relationship I think xx

I’m sorry too - it does point toward him being gay really very strongly

Love, he's gayer than Rupert Everett dressed as Freddie Mercury attending a Liza Minelli concert.

Get sti tested and get rid of him.

You can meet a not gay man to have a good relationship with.

You can run things on your own, you'll learn, you'll get there.

Forget about his approval; he can't even live his life honestly & decently without deceiving and using someone; including bringing children into the world under false pretences and exposing his partner to sti's, he's a cheater (regardless of the gender of the people he cheats with, and involves himself in sex in a horrible, sleazy, detached, sordid way .... he's hardly someone whose approval is worth having, is he now?

Sorry to sound so harsh & flippant but you sound too sweet, soft and naive to be true.

The irony is he has already given me an sti that I have to live with forever. Apart from that I have the all clear. It does play at the back of my mind that if he did ever try and make an effort I would always worry that he could give me something worst. He lies very smoothly so I have given up trying figure out what he is doing or intends to do. When I have checked his phone in the past there is always "big cock" searches on the history. He denies being gay or bi, and I know that cheating is cheating but for me knowing he gets his kicks from men means it's something I am lacking. In the past he has told me I'm old from about the age of 20 even though he is 10 years older than me, or he has told be I'm fat or that have 3 kids has ruined me and no one will ever touch me. Apart from having kids, the rest a woman can change or try to fix/cover up but I can't change not being a man. It's got to the point where we are just like friends, and not particularly good friends, we do a couple of bits with kids and that's it.

@merville everything you have said is true and it's probably due to my soft naive nature that makes it easy for him to do as he does

You don't sound happy op. If it interested or excited you at all I'd say crack on, but it's eating you. Go be happy.

I'm really not happy, for the most part I can just accept that I will not experience a loving relationship and this is it but every now and again like today I feel few up and lonely. I have txt him ( as of course he is at the pub) and let him know but no doubt he will turn it back on me or talk me into thinking things will change

*fed up

Yanno, this doesn't have to be your lot. You don't need permission to get rid of him... Even from him.

The longer you stay in this joke of a relationship while he gets his jollies elsewhere, the longer it will be before you find someone who will want you for who you are and can make you happy.

Whether he's gay or bi it doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you don't trust him. He has blamed you for not wanting to be physical. Some gay men take years to come out and sometimes because they want a family which he has had. Apart from that some still treat their dws well (this isn't from personal experience just from others I have known) and have a friendship whilst being honest about who they are and what they're doing. I think he doesn't want to come out and is being totally selfish. You might meet someone else you never know whats round the corner BUT you will never have the chance if you stay with him. Even if you didn't meet someone else you're not happy so what do you have to lose? Don't fall for his lies. He sounds like a right creep tbh.

Going to the pub every night and leaving you with the kids is unacceptable.
His disgusting language towards you is unacceptable.
The fact he's obviously cheating on you is unacceptable.
He's probably worn your confidence down so much that you feel shit and don't leave him. Were you always 'shy' or is that because of him.
Leave him op, your life starts now

Gay or not, he's treating you and speaking to you appallingly. You deserve so much better. xx

You really don't even need to leave him for someone who treats you better, just leave him for you.

@merville everything you have said is true and it's probably due to my soft naive nature that makes it easy for him to do as he does

Maybe he picked you 10 years younger too for that reason.

Sorry to hear he's already given you a ll std - fkg bastard.

Honestly, without even getting into the fact that he's a gay cheater (!) his behaviour towards you (putting you down, saying no-one would want you etc. is so classically abusive & disgusting). If someone treated one of my sisters the way he's treated you (as I said not even getting onto the cheating and deception) I'd hate his guts. I'd do anything I could to get her away from him.

As gamer chick said you don't need permission to get rid of him; you wouldn't need permission if he was the nicest guy in the world, if you weren't feeling it and you wanted to end the relationship, you could; it's your right.

And what he's done to date ....

The only honest & decent way he could've lived his life would've been to come out as gay and have whatever kind of relationship he wanted (and the other man agreed to) with another man (or if he is bisexual, who knows, the same with a partner who knows about his proclivities & activities and does the same & accepts them). Instead he has deceived, manipulated, abused (and your kids are included in that) , infected his partner with life-long std (That could've been during one of your pregnancies and could've caused birth defects) etc.

Sorry but he has and continues to take the absolute piss out of you and has ground you down too - time to get clear of him; posting this was your first brave step.

As mumsnet always says - get your ducks in a row; he doesn't have to know anything about your plans until they're made and secure; what's best for you and your children. Because he sounds like a nasty piece of work and has yet to put your or your kids first so I seriously doubt he will now.

Forgot to say; does he have a traditional family who could never accept him as gay or ... ? What a charade he's made of his life.

I have always been somewhat shy, we started dating when I was 17, but when I look back on some of the things he has said to me over the years it's clear that he is trying to suppress me. I definitely feel worn down and have low self-esteem.
I wish I had posted here sooner, I actually feel a little be excited and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders at the though t I might actually be able to have a life with out him and possibly one day someone might want to me with me because they like me and not to use me to cover up their sexuality
Thank you so much to everyone that have commented x

@merville thank you so much, everything you have said has really made me feel like I'm not mad, and that it's not right how I'm being treated. He can't even be bother to reply to my txt I sent him earlier.
As for his family, I don't think it's that, I think when he was growing up it wasn't such a socially acceptable thing to be gay, he likes to be one of the lads, going on about bar maids and such like, but I'm sure now it's all just a cover up.

Huzzah8 you are so welcome; I wish I could give you a hug and keep encouraging you in person.
He got to you so young and has been working on you for so long, no doubt it is hard to get out from under; but you've made a start and will go from strength to strength.

Mumsnetters are always here and are tireless cheer-leaders & counsellors, please keep on posting when you feel you need to. Lots of people have several linked threads and follow up threads on here.