Lost and don't know what to do

[lostnow12]

I’ve been with my partner for about 11 years. I am 34 and he is 48. We have no kids. We got back from travelling for a year at Christmas and therefore no longer live together (we are both temporarily at our parents houses until we save for somewhere to live). We had lived together previously but moved out of our flat to save for travelling.
He’s always had anger issues. I split up with him after 4 months initially because of this. He asked for a second chance and one week after I had split with him he had been to his GP and signed up for some anger management sessions. We got back together.

The relationship is either 100% great, we get on great and have a very active social life. Other times it is incredibly difficult and his anger is unwavering. We end up arguing and we have both been violent to one another. Police have been called, I have been to hospital once after a particularly bad fight. He is very angry at his past. He was adopted as a baby and has general issues around his childhood however his adoptive parents are still in his life and nice people.

He seems to blame others a lot. He has lost quite a few jobs over the time we have been together but it is always someone elses fault. I feel awful writing this about him. I love him a lot but I know he treats me awfully. He really really shouts. I can be crying my eyes out and he just shouts in my face, I can’t argue back when he is in a rage because I can’t get a word in edgeways. He calls me the c word, insults my family.

I’ve said to him recently why are we like this? We love eachother. He said “Because everyone has had it in for us since day1”. This is not true and my family haven’t had contact with him for nearly two years because of his accusations and the way he treats me. I used to believe this too but now I know it isn’t because of other people.
The problem I have is – in all logic I know what I should do. But not being with him, even not talking to him makes me into an anxious wreck. I literally car barely speak and I cry all day. If he switches his phone off after an argument I feel like a caged animal. The anxiety is crippling, stops me from working and I just go round and round in circles and until it is sorted out again. I find it very hard to “eat humble pie” or say sorry when I am not in the wrong, even though I know it would appease the situation.

We haven’t had sex since mid 2016 and I feel so unattractive and my self esteem is low. I know people will say he is probably getting it else where but I genuinely believe him when he says he has no libido whatsoever. He spends all his time angry.

Can anyone offer any advice because I genuinely don’t know what to do with myself I was 24 when we met and I just can’t believe it’s been going on so long. I’m lost but the anxiety just doesn’t stop ever.

WHY are you with this man? He’s put you in hospital, he’s angry, shouty and verbally abusive. You only feel lost because he’s carefully put you into a dependant position so he can do wtf he likes to you and you don’t leave.

This is not a good relationship. Please leave it before ‘oh it was bad enough I had to go to hospital’ turns into broken bones and heaven forbid death.

Please contact a domestic violence support line and ask about the freedom programmes. They will help you get back on your feet and independent from this abusive man

LTB and quickly before he kills you. He is not a nice man and may well have had problems but you can't help him. Please please leave before it's too late.

I think I have felt a certain amount of loyalty to him. He can be so passionate and he goes on and on about how much he loves me, more than anyone ever could.

We argued on Monday and he text me saying he is broken and lost and he loves me but I need him to say sorry. I've spent the last 24 hours crying. He knows this makes me anxious.

I have a real issue with closure - I can't just leave stuff I have to sort it out which I guess is why we are so bad sometimes. Neither of us backs down. I know I should LTB I don't feel like I can.

he goes on and on about how much he loves me, more than anyone ever could
Oh yeah!!!
That's why he shouts at you and hits you and puts in the hospital.
Please, for the love of god, wake up and smell the coffee.
This vile creature is no MAN!
He's a nasty piece of work.
Not wonder he's still at his parents at age 48!

Please find it in you to respect yourself enough to walk away.

Please contact Womens Aid urgently and talk to them
Ensure you do their Freedom Programme as soon as possible.
It's best to attend in person but you can also do it on-line.

This is no life.
You can never have kids with this 'person'
So cut your losses.
Get him out of your life for good and move on.

I do wonder what you learned about relationships growing up for you to put up with all of this.
It's not normal for the majority of people.

Life is short - really short - don't live it like this.

It sounds like you are addicted to the ups and downs that go with this relationship. It's a real step forward that you are asking for other peoples views.

Have you considered reading 'why does he do that' by Lindy Bancroft - it will explain a lot and perhaps help you to see more clearly. There is something in you (like lots of us) that makes you feel a relationship is only worth the amount of effort we have to put in but this is completely untrue and something we just tell ourselves in order to continue in an abusive situation.

You are worth so much more. It might feel the world would end if you stopped seeing him when it truth your real world would be just beginning.

Put you in hospital? Leave before he kills you. Happens to two women every week.

I do wonder what you learned about relationships growing up for you to put up with all of this.
It's not normal for the majority of people.

A counsellor my dad got me a few years ago asked about this but genuinely I had a nice childhood, my parents were and are happy most of the time.

I think when we first met and he was very charismatic and everyone seemed to love him (I now know it's because he only ever really shows me his real side), I wanted to "help" him. He lived with his dad, had unregular work etc. He doesn't drive. I've booked him his theory test a few times over the years to get him on track but he just makes excuses. I can never drink if we go out because I always have to drive.

I only found out after we moved in together to a rented flat about 5 years ago that was the first time he'd ever committed to living somewhere where he had any form of responsibility. He had lived with his parents, then friends, then sofa surfing. He takes everything very hard. A couple of years ago a friend of his had died. He was absolutely distraught. I had been with him for about 8 years at this point and had never met this friend and he had never mentioned his name. I didn't understand why he was so upset but it became the excuse for absolutely everything for the following year.

Sorry I know I'm ranting and just giving everyone more reason to say LTB, it just doesn't feel that easy. I NEED HIM TO REALISE! THIS ISN'T FAIR.

@Lady

I know this :(

We had had a massive fight and he ended up throwing something at me but it hit me in the head and knocked me out for a couple of seconds. It was my neighbour who called the police who then called an ambulance.

This is one of the valid reasons to leave. It’s an emotionally abusive relationship

Read your posts op - they are all about what HE wants, needs or how HE is - where are YOU?

Your far too emotionally attached to someone who basically is a complete dick.

Cut all ties. Be civil regarding any children and go find another person that treats you properly.

Give him the option of treating you better and if not then leave.

If he treated someone he met on the street like he treats you he'd be in prison.

Why is he allowed to treat you as he does? Because he 'loves' you?

Google women murdered by partners.

He is NEVER going to realise. You are NEVER going to find the magic words that make him realise. There is nothing YOU can do or say that will make him change! All you are doing with this need for closure is stopping yourself being free and happy. He says he loves and needs you but look at his actions. He is emotionally abusing you. He IS physically abusive. He put you in hospital ffs! That IS physical abuse. Stop minimising. Stop trying to rationalise his behaviour. Stop trying to get him to understand. Stop trying to understand his motivations.

It's not fair. It never will be fair.
You don't need closure. You need to leave. Full stop. End of story.

OP, look up “co-dependency”. I think you are heavily emotionally invested in this relationship. You get something out of the drama, the fights, the declarations of love, you like being the one who enables this loser - you organise his (never sat) driving tests, you pick up the bits when he loses yet another temporary job, you try to rationalise his outbursts, you feel useful.
This is all very sick, and not how a normal relationship works. You need counselling to help you to understand your own role in all this, and to help you to make the decision to leave- before this angry violent man kills you.

Thank you very much everyone for your replies.

@thingsdogetbetter

I needed to read that. I've lost 11 years of my life is him. I feel so angry and like he owes me it back. I wish I could stop thinking like this.

You're in an abusive relationship with an unstable man.

He possibly zeroed in on you partly because you're younger (as well as clearly being far too 'nice' separate from age) and he thought he'd be able to manipulate you better.

'It's only because I love you so much'
'No-one will ever love you like I do!!!'
'Everyone's against us, it's us against the world'

... are total cliches from abusive people. Those lines are older then a the pyramids, older than the oldest rocks on this planet.

You're young, you need to get away from him before he ruins your life.

The only cure for emotional attachment/dependence is to stop seeing the person; there will be bumps but it will get easier and easier over time.

You might also benefit from counselling.

There's so much in the world for you to be out doing and enjoying instead of dealing with that kind of crap, stress and misery.

Thank you @merville

We have had couples counselling before but the therapist appeared to side with him. He was all charm and I just felt like a moron.

I know you mean I need counselling I still can't see the other side yet or leaving it. I can't stand the thought that as he is not talking to me right now, it would end up being his decision to leave ME. I can't stand it.

Couples counselling is never recommended for abusive relationships. One of the reasons being what you describe above ... he's obviously quite good at manipulation (and the counsellor obviously wasn't that bright).

Hopefully you can get some counselling to help you, whether it's before or after leaving him; the sooner the better it seems.

If you decide to leave, it is your decision; not his because he's not talking to you or anything else. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, he's irrelevant.

If you'd like a pdf of Lundy Bancroft's book on abusers, I can email you it.

Embrace it.
Let him leave you.
He will be doing the biggest favour ever.

You should NEVER have any kind of counselling with an abuser.
As you've found out, it just doesn't tend to work out for the 'victim'

Your posts are very sad to read.
Can I just put something to you.
My gorgeous DSis died a few months ago.
Beautiful woman. Smiling all the time.
She was in an abusive relationship at a young age and that basically 'ruined' her.
Eating disorders, abusing her body over many years meant she got cancer. Diagnosed last year and dead by this year. Mid 40's!!!
Yes, you could honestly be dead in 10+ years and this would have been your life.
I've learned a lot over the past few months and the main one is that life is too short. Can be cut short. You should never ever be with anyone like this. You are wasting your life.
I lost my sister and my best friend a few months ago.
My parents lost their baby daughter.

Life is precious. Life is short.
Live it to the fullest.
You will have regrets that you've wasted the last 11 years on this total knob-head. But so what? Don't waste any more time on this loser.
Get some counselling. Get out there and enjoy life.
You get one shot at this - that's it - One go!!!!
Do not waste anymore of it.

Forget about pride/control re. who finished/who left who - seriously it doesn't matter. What matters is that you get shot of him and get happy.

People like that will always say they ended it regardless of what actually happened anyway. They could have been given a non-mol order to stay away from someone by the police/court and they'd still be telling themselves and others that they did the finishing.

You're creating more barriers to leaving. First, I need closure. Second, I need him to understand. Third, I want to make sure everyone knows I dumped him. Any more? You are stuck in a fog of fear, presumably of change, and coming up with reasons to stay stuck.
Just read a meme on fb: when some doors close, it's best to nail them shut. It doesn't matter who shuts this relationship door, it matters that you nail boards over it and ensure it can never be opened again!
11 years is a long time to have 'wasted', but 12 years is longer. And 13, and 14. Get the picture?

I was briefly with someone exactly like this. I still think fondly of his good side, if only he could foster that and control the anger :( better to be out than being their plaything - you CAN get out x

Honestly leave please and now. My ex wasn’t even as bad as yours. There was just low level aggression, lots of shouting, posturing, squaring up to me and telling me nobody liked me etc etc. I threw him out after the first incident of being physical that I could tell was deliberate. There had been some throwing things and catching me before but it was the first time there was hand contact. You don’t need details. What you do need to know is that even that low level screwed up my health. I now have a lifelong ailment that is triggered by stress and there is nothing I can do now I have it. It even effected my periods and I was constantly bleeding due to stress effecting my hormones. My blood pressure went up and mentally I was not in a good place. Living like that will shorten your life and effect your health.

Please think about what you are doing to yourself living in that even if he doesn’t actually kill you one day.

Stop making excuses and leave

As usual on these threads, we have an abused woman saying "but I love him"

NO, you don't. You cannot love someone who hurts you repeatedly like this. You may have become dependant on him in some way, or scared of being on your own, but you absolutely do NOT love him. And if you realise that, it makes it a damn sight easier to do the right thing and leave. Although as you aren't even living together, this should be relatively easy anyway.