How do I get past resentment towards DH

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I'll keep this as brief as I can. DH and I both late 30's, been married 9 years, together for over 16. DC are 5 and 3. Since having the kids I feel like I've completely lost my identity and like a part of me has died. I'm really resentful towards DH because I feel like he hasn't had to make the sacrifices I have and he hasn't dealt with the same level of changes I have.

While on mat leave with DS2, my job was made redundant and I was redeployed into a completely different role. It's not one I would have chosen under different circumstances, but it meant I could work evenings so I could be home with the kids in the day and we didn't have to pay for childcare. Meanwhile, DH got a promotion at work and he is now our main wage earner.

Having kids has meant he has made sacrifices as well. But I feel like I have had to sacrifice more. I have little to no time for myself and hobbies, interests etc have gone by the wayside. I have had a complete crisis of confidence and have dealt with depression. I feel like I am invisible to everyone and all I am seen as to the world is a wife, mother and glorified maid.

I know DH has made sacrifices and changes and I'm not stupid enough to not realise it's all been hard for him. But it's not been as hard and I feel like he has no understanding of just how much I have had to deal with. We do talk about our problems and relationship regularly. But I am still angry with him all the time. Because I'm home all day and he's not. How do I get over this? Can I ever?

It isn’t his fault you got made redundant at a time he got a promotion.

In fact none of this sounds like his fault.

Sorry to sound harsh but that’s the reality of having kids - you give up a lot of your own life. It’s not all about you anymore

You either continue this job without having to pay childcare or you get a different job but understand you will then have to pay for someone to look after them. If so split the childcare

Does your husband have time for hobbies? If so, tell him you want more time for yourself and either he has them or you pay childcare

I just don’t see why you’re resentful of him.

I think you urgently need to start reclaiming your life. Start small - in my case just one evening a week for my hobby made a disproportionate difference. You will probably need to train yourself to want, and to act on what you want, again as it's easy to get out of the habit. If your DH supports you that will go a long way to cure any resentment; if not that tells its own story.

If your children are 3 and 5, do you not have time to yourself for interests while they are at nursery/school? I get where you're coming from, but maybe you need to use small amounts of time you have to re-engage with hobbies/friends.

You've only got another few years until they're both in school and you can go back to working daytime hours. I'd view this phase as temporary, it's nobody's 'fault', it sounds like you've both organised things sensibly round the children, your DH isn't getting much 'me time' either if he's coming home from work and taking over the childcare.

Thank you for those who have replied.

I have 2.5 hours alone a day. That has now come to an end because both boys are off school and nursery for summer. I've been awake since 7am and the first time I will be alone today is at 11pm unless you include my commute to work.

I am going back to full time work in September so I am hoping this resolves some of the issues then. My 'time alone' is usually eaten up with household jobs that are just easier to do alone than with a 3YO in tow, like go to the shop, have a shower, put my make up on and prepare my meals for my evening in work. Having tried to squeeze hobbies in here like reading and the gym, I just found it too much of a rush and was still having to squeeze everything thing in to 2 hours between picking youngest up and then getting eldest from school.

The household jobs generally fall to me because I am home in the day. DH and I have discussed this numerous times. It goes round in a circle of I'm unhappy, he says he'll do more, does more for a bit, it all goes to shit and I'm back to unhappy.

DH understands how I feel and encourages me to do more for myself. On the other hand he will book overtime for his days off so I have to have the kids. It's not easy to meet people socially around my kids pick up and drop off schedule and I'm in work when people are off. My DH also works Saturdays so if I want to do something then I need child care.

It probably all sounds like excuses but I have lived this life for 3 years now and have struggled with this for that long. My job is also very high pressure, so it's not as if I'm chilling out all evening. DH finishes work at 5 and the boys go to bed at 7. He manages to get on the Xbox most nights and get to the gym in the morning. I'm lucky if I get one evening a week to read a book.

I honestly don't know what I expected posting here. I thought there might be someone in a similar situation who had advice to offer. Instead I feel like I've just been met with people telling me I'm doing everything wrong and o should get over it.

I don't think you should get over it, at all.

I will ask you this though, what can he do to change how you feel? What can you do to change it?

I understand OP, I felt the same as you.
I have 3 DCs 8,6 & 3, was made redundant on maternity leave and feel like I have sacrificed everything - career, figure, social life, financial independence whilst DH life is still very much the same.
It’s caused lots of issues but really, I had to realise it was my situation I resented not my DH. I just don’t think, unless you’ve done it, you understand the suffocating feeling of very small children day in & out.

Well how about for every other Xbox and gyms session, you get on the Xbox or go to the gym while he's at home with the children.

Maybe you don't want to play Xbox or go to the gym but if you do this for a couple of weeks it will make the point then you swap the activities for things you actually want to do.

It seems like he gets to choose what to do but you seek his permission before say going out for an early morning gym session.

My job is also very high pressure, so it's not as if I'm chilling out all evening. DH finishes work at 5 and the boys go to bed at 7. He manages to get on the Xbox most nights and get to the gym in the morning. I'm lucky if I get one evening a week to read a book.

That's not really his fault, the timing of your "off" time I mean. Unless you think he's dumping alot of stuff on you, then you're directing your resentment at him wrongly. If the current job times don't suit you or are making you unhappy, try to get a job during the day like his and pay for childcare? (both of you obviously)

Ok, so the overtime. You feel like he regards you as a nanny available 24/7 whose time doesnt matter and whose role is facilitate him, the Great Man, to Work.
This seems to me the biggest single problem. IS the money essential? How far in advance is overtime booked? If you could do without the money I would take this one event and go nuclear. He MUST have you agree he will do overtime at least one week (insert suitable period) in advance. If he doesn’t do this but books it, you will drive the children to his work and leave them with him.

Once you are a partner on this point, pick some other minor thing- be it putting the dishes in the dishwasher or what.

OP: in my experience, working and being responsible for most the child care IS relentless. My kids are now 10 and 7 so its a bit easier, but when they were small it felt never ending. Its hard, as parents its difficult to get time to yourselves and still try and spend quality time together.

I left my relationship 2 years ago, for various reasons but one of the things I believe that killed our relationship was resentment from both sides. I worked full time from home, soon as I left my office I was pretty much handed over the child care and I had zero free time. Don't let it get to that stage, you clearly sound unhappy, alone time seems very important to you.

So try make it a priority that once a week you and your husband agree an evening off, or every other weekend have a day scheduled just for yourself. Day to day stuff with kids means time alone is hard, but you should try to schedule some time fairly where you are both alone.

If you are going back to work full time could you get a cleaner and maybe someone to do your ironing for you once a week, free up some time? If I were you I would sit down with your diary anbd work out which days your husband is off work and put some dates in the calender as your child free days. And stick to it.

My ex would never had allowed me to do that, as he was an awkward bastard, but your husband sounds like he understands where you are coming from. If he eased off on the overtime could you manage financially? Could you alternate the mornings he goes to the gym, so you could go also or go for a swim?

Now me and my ex are apart and he has the kids overnight sometimes, I have much more free time now and I realise how much not having any time impacted on my mental health.

You won't be the first woman to fall into the pattern you describe but you need to stop expecting that your DH will step up how you want him to. Take a few lessons from him and prioritise your time. Reclaim your life in small bits, Get a calendar and carve out time for yourself outside of the house, even if it's sitting in a cafe reading a book.

I understand the resentment but you need to be proactive in prioritising your needs. Resentment is lazy finger pointing and it absolves you from responsibility because I can tell you this, wether you like to admit it or not, no one can prioritise you like you can. Stop asking and start telling your H what you've going to do. Find your own solutions.