Unsure of future of marriage

[Bonniesloth]

Hi,
Since having children my dh and I have had multiple problems, all of which we have overcome and been stronger afterwards. I think?
I won’t go into details as they don’t really matter. We’ve recently overcome a big financial issue and though we were a bit tense going through it, we kept reassuring each other it would soon be over. Initially, after, we did get better, but I honestly don’t think he likes me. I think he’s just with me because of the kids. I sometimes wonder if I’m also with him because it’s easy and convenient.
Some days I feel like he’s wonderful and supportive and a great dad. Other days I hate him and I can’t understand why I ever thought he’s make a good husband.
When I met him he was care free, funny, sure if himself and I had never laughed so much in my life. For the first couple of years all we did was laugh and I have never felt as loved as I did then.
Fast forward to now. We both work full time, he plays sport every Saturday and most Sundays. I take issue to the rare Sunday he doesn’t play sport he just sits on his arse rather than spend quality time with us having a day out or a trip to the park. He twists it on me, that I’m in the wrong. He belittles me and my ideas, he never fully listens. I’m well educated and he isn’t and he treats me as though I’m stupid. He says the nastiest things such as my children hate me and I’m a bad mum (I can be snappy with them at times- they’re toddlers?)
You cannot sit down and talk to this man. He will not accept responsibility for any disagreements- they are always my fault. He gets mad quickly at even a hint of criticism and fires back nasty things to upset me. If you dare suggest he isn’t being fair, is being nasty and actually verging on abusive with his insults, he again twists it on me.
I don’t think he’s happy. He’s mentioned a couple of women at his new job and creepily Facebook stalks them (I’ve seen his search history)
He’s bored I think. Maybe I am too. I’m definitely fed up. If I had the cash and family around me to move and take the kids I think I’d have done it by now.
We still have moments where it’s great, but I think the magic has long gone and it’s now the monotony of life with kids that rules over us. I resent him and his freedom.
Sorry for the ramble.

I so understand this. I adored my DH (second marriage for me 1st for him) he was funny, intelligent, talented and kind and always put me first. After 22 years, he now barely raises his eyes from his phone when I come in, is short tempered and permanently angry with something or other , I do care and some of the time it's fine, I just feel though as you say the magic isn't there and given an emotional affair I found out about many years afterwards plus secretive porn stuff, I'm finding it harder to feel the same about us. Like your h, he too cannot take anything that is often just a comment but he construes as criticism. I think sometimes these guys seem to get a personality transplant after the first 5 years of marriage

Op maybe have a read of 'Why does he do that' - sounds as though you maybe suffering emotional abuse or similar with him constantly putting you down and turning things back onto you.

Yeah, I know it could be emotional abuse. And usually in the past the good has outweighed the bad, but I just can’t be arsed. Part of me wants to really work through so we’re a good strong family (which I know we could be but would both need to put effort in- I’m aware I’m not perfect either) the other part thinks fuck it, call it a day while kids are too young to really remember.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still?. Something keeps you within this abusive example of a relationship so what is it?. He is with you primarily because he can be still and you facilitate his life. The good/bad times you've had are really the cycle of abuse and that is also a continuous one. I would also think the so called good times were also purely on his terms too. He probably targeted you as well because you are stronger than he is and so saw you as an additional challenge to drag down with him.

It is emotional abuse you are seeing here from him. Re-read your initial post.

He does not want to put any effort in, he is not interested and will simply carry on doing what he wants including FB stalking. Do you really want to be associated with someone like that?. Like many abusive men as well he refuses to apologise or even accept any responsibility for their actions.

Would really listen to the part of you that says call it a day whilst the kids are too young still to really remember. You are their blueprint for future relationships and them seeing their dad treat you (and in turn them) like this will do them no favours at all. I do not think he is bored so much as he hates women, all of them. And calling him bored as well is an excuse and a poor one at that, there is no justification or excuse for his continuous treatment of you. Do not stay for the sake of the children. You are married to this person and have legal rights; exercise those fully and seek legal advice re the finances and children. Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations are well worth contacting as well as finding a Solicitor.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like this, no you would not. If its not good enough for them its not good enough for you either.

I’m aware of how it reads, it’s upsetting how it reads.
Like I said I’m not perfect myself, I often talk to him like crap, but I never use the kids as a weapon to make him feel like shit. He never wants to do anything with me anymore. I’m just finding it really hard work.
Like I’ve said he isn’t all bad. Mostly he is a brilliant and attentive dad and they absolutely adore him. During the week he does just as much with them as me, if not more. He supports my career decisions even if they affect him negatively (ie a drop in pay for other benefits such as more holiday). Saying that, I think he just agrees with rather than supports because he can’t be arsed fighting with me over it.
I also think if we split, I’d want to be alone for a while, but who’s want a 28 yo single mum of two with a horrific mum tum? One thing he always makes me feel is beautiful to give him credit. Otherwise I guess he’s a shit.