DH's midlife crisis affair - how do I protect myself?

[choicemyarse]

I discovered last week that my (not so dear) DH has been having a 6 month affair to top off his ongoing midlife crisis. He spent last year criticising me and being hyper irritable, then decided that all his unhappiness was my fault and told me he was leaving in January. I tried desperately to hold on to the marriage and rebuild our relationship and now I know that all that time he was fucking a colleague. Makes me feel sick.
We have two young girls and I am coping because I have to because I'm their mother but I'm so angry with him for tearing our family apart and being so bloody selfish. The worst bit is that he feels sorry for himself and keeps telling me how 'weak' he is.
I have filed for divorce which may give me some closure eventually but it's still also so hurtful and destructive. I just can't understand what he's doing - it's like an alien took over his body. Previous to the MLC he has been a sensitive, devoted, loyal husband and I don't even know him now. I have tried staying amicable for the sake of the kids but know that I really need to let go emotionally. I am sad and furious all at the same time.
I have been in contact with at least 3 other friends/colleagues who this has also happened to in the past couple of months. It's like an epidemic!
Just wondering if anyone else in this situation or who knows someone in this situation has any advice?

Hello,

I’m not surprised you are angry. Unfortunately there are lots of women on this board who have been through similar.

I just went into robot mode. I strictly stuck to practical arrangements and avoided getting drawn into emotional discussions. As soon as you can you need to emotionally withdraw.

Then unfortunately it’s a day by day, month by month thing. But be kind to yourself.

Silly as it sounds I used to have date nights for myself - takeaway, beer, good film, peace & quiet. Or dates out with friends.

The anger will lessen and most likely turn to mirth when gf dumps him!

Also a good thing to find on here is ‘the script’ it will make your situation feel less personal to you as it catalogues the mid life crisis, affairs process almost like clockwork! - if it wasn’t so sad, it would almost be laughable!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

I found this script thread helpful too:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

It's not just men. I had the same with my wife, albeit she (alleged) it was never physical. I would put money on it being so now. We've separated for about 3 months.

If you're like me you'll be blaming yourself a lot in the immediate aftermath. Ironically my wife told me I was a fantastic father and that she admired me and we actually reached it's "not you but me" (see the script) but I've read it's natural for victims of trauma to blame themselves - it's the brain's way of assigning a bit of control over something that's completely blindsided you. It sounds messed up, but if it's all your fault then at least you could have stopped it or can stop it in the future. As it is, most likely there was nothing you could have done - you tried your utmost and it wasn't enough.

It's hard to accept that as its frightening. So ride the wave and get as much advice and comfort from friends and family as you can. Let them keep you on even keel. Don't pent it up. Eventually you'll get some clarity. You'll stop beating yourself up.

I'll also second cutting off contact as much as possible. For people like us, with kids, obviously this isn't completely doable, but I found keeping discussions to texts and emails and being as curt and business-like as possible helped. As soon as possible I ensured there were boundaries for kids visiting times so we all knew what was going on and I had to do as little day-to-day negotiating as possible.

My wife, naturally, wants to keep things as "normal" as possible - to stop for a cup of tea, even go on holiday together FFS (bet loverboy would love that!) but, as tempting as it is to do it for the kids, for the sake of my sanity I've resisted. Often it's only to assuage the cheater's guilt, keep up appearances and stop everything being so inconveniently awkward (for them - like "hey, everyone, we're all fine now and everything's just the same except we don't kiss anymore!") If nothing else, I'm not comfortable doing this as it suggests I condone what's transpired. I may eventually understand it. I may eventually forgive it. But I could never suggest what's occurred is anything other than an incredibly traumatic event - at least for myself, our kids and close friends and relatives.

Try and keep your dignity - you have the moral high ground and if you behave professionally it will be recognised. Don't stoop to petty insults and bitchy remarks if you can help it (you're only human, so if you're like me they will slip out! That's fine and its probably cathartic, so long as it doesn't become a habit. I just warned certain friends of the possibility of it happening and apologised in advance! They were very understanding). I've been astounded by the support I've had back, even when I never asked for it. I got used to acquaintances at the school gates looking at me with abject terror whenever I appeared, but quickly learned it came from a place of not knowing what to say - the sympathy is there, often, it's just people don't know how to deal with it. Now I understand, it's fine.

Have no advice but in similar situation. The audacity of the man is shocking. Wish we could form a support group!!

So my ex husband has been telling me how much he loves me and wants to get bk together and has been really attentive lately so after a night of confessing how he feels 1 thing lead to another the next day I find out he has a girlfriend and has chosen that day to introduce her to our children in the house we build together. I have no idea what to do now and can’t believe someone could be so cruel the children are also very confused by it all two asking me if daddy doesn’t love me any more

Sadly I also have first hand experience.. I have no words, I'm absolutely floored in fact.

Sorry i dont really have any advice but i too am going through a similar thing ( found out a couple of weeks ago but it had been going on for about 6 months) I think i would echo what a previous poster said & keep all contact abrupt & only talk about what you need to, my ex wants small talk & lots of chat about our child but seeing his name pop up on my phone just makes me feel sick so the less the better!

Ive found long walks helpful too to get a clear head & i always feel calmer afterwards.

Its bloody awful & tough but you have your children to keep you going

DH has been having a 6 month affair to top off his ongoing midlife crisis. He spent last year criticising me and being hyper irritable
I would imagine the affair started last year, and is the midlife crisis, not just the icing on the rotten cake.
This happened to me 4 years ago, but I had the added "insight" of finding his email account password after just over a year and thus knowing exactly what he did when. The nastiness, dissatisfaction, rekindled interest in sport, new look, sudden complaints about things from 20 years previously, him acting like a complete stranger, all began about 2/3 months after he met her.

She dumped him at the end of last year, but I can't say I find it funny. He tore up my life and I am putting the pieces together again, but actually I think I prefer the new arrangement, even though it's not as conventional. At the time we broke up, all I could see was the things I'd imagined for my future being taken away, and I was scared of what would replace them. Now I can see it's not as scary as I thought it could be.

I had some counselling for the first couple of years, which was very helpful. The counsellor mentioned that many people recovering from a big shock later say that in fact it has positive effects. You are forced to think deeply about yourself, your relationships, your life, what you want, and you can come out of it feeling better than when you went in. That's been my experience. That's in the long term, obviously.

I was too done in to start out with the divorce for ages, and in the end we had been separated 2 years before we even started. It was actually quite helpful, as by then we were able to be in the same room without any nastiness. I'm also a big fan of keeping contact as minimal as possible.

Thank you for all the comments. It's awful but comforting to know that other people have been through the same.
Great advice about keeping contact minimal and businesslike. He's still relying on me emotionally as he's cut himself off from all his friends, except OW of course. I can't understand what she sees in a lying, cheating, emotionally distraught and volatile married man but hey ho, each to their own. I will stop listening to his problems.

He had offered to come and help me move some boxes (his mother's stuff that she refuses to pick up) over the weekend but I think I will cancel this help and do it myself or with a friend.

I don't want to end up in an on again, off again situation as it's too painful so at least this is the beginning of the end.
Ravenmum I am gutted to hear that the OW dumping him wasn't satisfactory. I have been savouring that moment in my mind. Starting to realise that I may never get the heartfelt apology and remorseful begging to come back that I'd hoped for so I will need to find closure elsewhere.

I would have been delighted if she'd dumped him sooner :) Just not as bothered about him any more. I never wanted him back after the last few months, and can't honestly complain today that he's made my life worse; if anything I now like it better. So...

So he fucks another woman.
Screws up his own life. Your life. The life of your DC but it's all 'woe is me'.
Please detach yourself from this.
He's a selfish pig and a lying, cheating scumbag.
Do not listen to his problems.
It's all about the kids now. And maintenance and nothing else.
Do not be there for him emotionally. Not at all.
As soon as he starts with any of that then hang up.

His mothers stuff can be put on the front garden / drive and he can collect it.
Again, you are doing things for him.
Although you can't make him stay out of the house, do try to do any handovers outside.

Men are arseholes - plain and simple.

Does his mum have a good reason not to get it herself? If not, just tell her she has three days to collect it or it goes to charity. No reason for you to take it to her if she can't be arsed.

I can't understand what she sees in a lying, cheating, emotionally distraught and volatile married man
She won't be seeing that. My ex's OW was told a big load of lies about how we were never really into one another even from the moment we met, and he just married me and had kids because the nasty lady made the poor lamb do it. She appeared to believe it. And he was all super interested and considerate to her in the way he was when we first met. He also lied to her that he wanted a child with her - she was 35 then and really keen to have a baby. I guess it took her 3 years to work out he was lying.

Another survivor here....mine left 4 years ago. In the immediate aftermath I fantasised about him coming home and apologising and it being all ok, but as time passed, I realised that actually I rather liked my new life (as a PP says, the one that scared the life out of me initially) and after a while I wouldn't have had him back. Mine married the OW, they seem happy. I think I've got to a place where I can hear about him, but not care much: that's my aim, anyway.

I'd echo what a pp said about keeping your dignity. Mine took everything, my security, my future, all the things I valued. I was determined he wouldn't take my dignity away, that I would look back and think, that was grim but I handled it ok.

Be nice to yourself, just have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (which I know is hard to believe right now)

Oh, one more thing: get as good lawyer. Right now.

The midlife crisis script is bang on. My sister went through this with her H, and he is slowly becoming his old self. It's taken 5 years, and I wish she'd dumped him at the beginning, because she'd be 5 years further down the line, and probably not having to deal with her DS's MH problems because of it.
Don't be amicable, be neutral. Only talk about what you HAVE to talk about. Please just think about yourself and DCs. So sorry this has happened to you.

Thanks Supersop, I can't believe it took five years?! I kept thinking a year maybe and maybe the separation would 'jolt' him into some sense once he realised what he'd lost. But obviously with the affair it will take longer for him to realise that actually all his 'problems' with me were entirely about him and he still hasn't dealt with them.

And by then I will have moved on.

As for his mother, I think she's hurt and has somehow interpreted me asking her to pick up her stuff as a personal attack. She has issues in relating to people.

hellsbells, you're right I've been too nice to him and need to stop this.
He asked tonight if he could come and say goodnight to the girls and I said no, it's too confusing. He replied "I see." and we left it at that.

I suppose I wanted to maintain some modicum of good will between us for mediation and so that we don't end up in court but we've agreed that mediation isn't working.
I'm still hopeful that our solicitors can sort it - and yes I got a good solicitor.

Our sticking point seems to be custody as he wants 50/50 but has never shown any interest in 50/50 childcare (or anything near that), has very little patience for the children and works 11 hour days (including travel) so what's the point of them being at his house with a childminder? I do hope he will come to see this as unreasonable but he's so irrational and defensive right now.

My husband had a mental break down two years ago now. He didn't have an affair but he did a lot of things that he really shouldn't have. I have done my best to be patient with him but the ejole thing seems to have created a negative feedback loop. He had a mental breakdown after a triggering event. Then he did some shitty things. Then he had a mental breakdown over the things he did. He seems to be picking back up in the past few months but I have lost theajoroty of the affection I had for him. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice. I am still in the wait and see stages. At the moment he has reached the point where he finally admits and takes responsibility for how stupid he has been. Not much good for me if he doesn't fix things though.

That's really interesting racecardriver. I think xdh will probably go (is going) through something similar. Everyone who has seem him tells me he looks like shit and I know he's drinking more.
I would almost feel sorry for him but he has entirely brought this on himself and with serious collateral damage in the process.
What exactly did your dh get up to? Well done for sticking through it but your feelings for him confirm my suspicion of how we might end up if I don't end it now.