How to make SIL like me

[kitkatsky]

I only care about being liked because I can't remember when I last saw my nephews, but basically SIL has always been "the cool girl in school who is a bit reticent to be my friend because I'm so uncool" but since nephew aged 3 said I'd said something to him that I never did, nor would, she just refuses to engage with me. I try super hard with her, including asking her if it's ok before I offer my nephews anything, but she still sneers and bitches (have seen evidence) If it weren't for my nephews I wouldn't care, but I want my DD to have a good relationship with her cousins given it seems she'll sadly be an only child. Just feel miserable as I never did what I was accused of to start with. I don't blame her for trusting her own kid, I'm just sad about me and DD not having a relationship with my nephews. She's also pregnant with my first niece and I'm so sad about how this is escalating. I know I can't make her like me, just need to make it right

Is she married to your brother or is she your husband's sister? What does your husband/ brother say?

You can’t control the actions of another person. She sounds like she was just waiting for an excuse tbh to not speak to you.

What is the family set up. Is she with your brother ? Are there in laws ?

She's my brother's wife. I did speak to him and say I never said what I allegedly did to nephew and he said maybe he'd got confused, but SIL didn't want me speaking to him to find out what the truth was. Nephew is 6 now, we have a great relationship when I rarely see him, but he wouldn't remember if I asked him about it now, nor would I because I'm scared about offending SIL further! I understand if she doesn't like me, even though I don't think I did anything to deserve it, but I do want to see my nephews and eventually niece, not just for me but also for DD

Understand if there's nothing I can do, just makes me sad. I love those boys so much and feel particularly sad for DD. Weee trying to give her a sibling without success so she'll prob always be an only child- not a problem by itself but I want her to have family

kitkat your BROTHER should have sorted this out. Why is he not sorting the situation?

Yep. It's your brother who should ensure you see your nephew.

Even if my SIL hated me, I would see my nephew as long as my brother had no issue with it.

Not sure bro would facilitate above/ beyolg her but thanks for putting idea in my head that bro needs to do more. I'm not sure if he will but makes me feel slightly less responsible to make sth out of my control work

He’s your brother’s child too, why is it your SIL responsibility that you and your DD have a relationship with your nephew and eventually your niece? The relationship you DD may have with your nephew is not a sibling substitute.

In the nicest possible way, your SIL doesn’t have to like you and beyond civility, she doesn’t owe you anything. Funny how your expectations are higher for her than your own brother, whose ‘whatever’ attitude you appear to readily accept.

Don’t let the sadnesses surrounding your inability to conceive manifest itself into a desperate attachment to your brother’s children.

With all due respect, you don’t sound particularly close to your brother, why do have the expectation that your DD would be closer to his children, than you are to him?

Maybe she made up the lie herself and blamed it on her dc as an excuse to cut you out of her life?

What exactly did you say to the child?

Btw you can't make anyone like you

I've had a lifetime of people pleasing and can confirm that there will always be people who don't, so don't waste energy on that.

In fact, why are you trying to win over someone who believed the word of a 3yo to the point that you were completely cut out? Who makes you feel like the uncool girl at school? You should be annoyed with her!

She has obviously decided that she has no interest in family contact, or in facilitating a relationship between her dc and their aunt/cousins so I doubt that is suddenly about to change.

If you are determined, you will need to make yourself an attractive proposition, so that she sees the benefit of a relationship with you. Maybe arrange a family party, or a kids party you know your dn would love to attend, or a big day out, and invite your db and dn. extend the invitation to her if you're feeling generous. Then you'll be the cool aunt who arranges fantastic things. People like her are only friends with people who benefit them.

Curious as to what a 3 year old could possibly have told her that would cause such an irreparable rift in the family

She sounds very petty

What does she think you said to her kid?

You need to stop letting it get to you. My SIL is like this too. Even to the point where she keeps my parents at arms length from my nephew. It is what it is and it's never going to change. My brother is just as responsible for it as she is tbh.

You can't control how she acts but you can control your response to it.

Poor OP. I wouldn't bother with your SIL, get your brother on board for the sake of the children involved. You needn't see your SIL, your brother can facilitate the children's relationships.

I feel so sad for you that you want to try to make your SIL like you. You can't do that, people either like you or they don't BUT they can still be decent and civil and they should, especially in a family.

Please don't try to get her to like you, you'll only despise yourself. Be coolly polite and don't engage in any kind of chat as she seems to take things out of context.

Tell that brother of yours to step it up and start acting like your child's uncle!

Op im in the same situation. Except i dont see sil and nephew at all. I send presents to my mil.