****HELP!!!**** SHOULD I write to my brother?

[hellobello]

I don't want to see my brother again until he has got some help controlling his temper if he ever does. His domestic situation merits a soap opera script, but that does not excuse the fights that he and his wife indulge in.

I am truly fed-up with his rants and rages and they hurt me like hell. My dad beat us both as children and our mum used me (in particular) as a human shield against my dad. My brother is violent too, and I want to have nothing further to do with him or his horrible family. Sadly he has a one-year-old, and his wife is pg again even knowing what my brother is like.

I really feel that I have done my time living with domestic violence and I can't cope with it. I have spent decades unable to live a normal life and unable to fit in or work because of what has happened and I don't want any more of it.

I've told my mum that I don't want to see my brother. Clearly this is not enough, since he turned up at my dd's christening. Fortunately he didn't bring his wife and her weird kids. I have to do something, as he doesn't seem to have any idea probably because nobody's told him.

Sorry this is such a rambling mess. My brother gets in touch as though nothing has happened and I don't know how to deal with it. Sadly it means that my children won't be able to see their grandparents because my brother appears to live in their house when he wants to get drunk.

hb - how awful for you. So sorry you've had such a dreadful time of it. If it would make it easier to get the message across, then I think you should write to him. It may even help him to see how his behaviour is affecting you and the others around him when he sees it written down. I think you need to make your feelings very clear.

Could your parents come to see your DCs at your house?

Hopefully there will be some other people with some better advice here soon. Couldn't leave your post unanswered.

hi hellobello,
Is the situation about the domestic violence out in the open? Could you speak to his wife and see if that might help?
Hope u manage to get it sorted.

You can't rely on anybody else to tell him how you feel about him. You need to make it clear that you do not want him in your life and why either verbally or by letter. I know this is a hard thing to do, I have had to do it with my own parents, but it is "worth it". Your life will get a lot calmer.

You can do the same with your SIL, write her a letter, explaining exactly what she is doing to herself and more importantly to her children. Provide her with leaflets and contact phone numbers.

If they want to listen then be there for them to get out this vicious circle. If not then you have done everything you can to help both your brother and sil.

However I do think that if you KNOW that they/he are/is mistreating the children you should take it to the authorities for the childrens' sake.

The whole situation is very messy - my mum is closing ranks against me because I've had enough. I've spoken to MIL and she's as mad as my bro. I warned her years ago about my family and she brushed me off. My parents live in the same town as my bro and my bro uses their house as his own (frankly under the circs I'm not surprised), but it does mean that I really don't want to go to my parents house any more in case he turns up, which is really more than likely. He is a bully and always has been. My parents are going mad enough that their gp has noticed that things are wrong. I don't know if it's dad's violence erupting again. He is not violent when we are there but my brother is. It is becoming harder for my mum to visit because I think her head is getting too complicated and she can't think straight. She's not like most other people in early retirement.

Remember you and your family have a RIGHT to not have violence in your lives.

Your brother has to take responsibility for his own actions. He is being violent and he has absolutely no excuse. You chose to break the pattern of abuse, so can he. It seems like he is taking the easy route of blaming his upbringing!?

Can you not have your parents over to your place to see the children. Even if this means you collecting them. Is this not better than your children getting any "good ideas" from seeing how your brother behaves (and gets away with it).

Sounds awful hellobello - I think we talked on another thread about it. What a mess {{{hug}}}

You could have a look at the Womens Aid website, which should be quite an eye-opener. You'll recognise most, if not all, of it probably. It seems to me that sometimes there's something really wrong in a family, but nobody 'sees' it (or refuses to see it), and it's been there for so long that it's in their blind spot. There's often one (or more) in the family who sees it and reactes to it, but the rest just refuse to see it, and gang up on the one who can see it and is reacting to it and pointing it out (phew, that was a long-winded sentence).

I'm suggesting having a look at the Womens Aid website bcs it lists a comprehensive set of circumstances that constitute abuse - whether physical, verbal, sexual, financial etc etc (many etcs), and IME it's good to get it straight in your head (knowledge is power and all that) so you're well-armed iyswim... because I don't think anybody is going to take kindly to you pointing it out. They don't want to know, is the bottom line.

I'm probably telling my grandmother to suck eggs (sorry) but even though I know a lot about domestic abuse, I still find it helpful to read over the criteria again - particularly if you've had a lifetime of living in the middle of family denial. As you know from my other post, I have recently found myself in a domestic abuse situation but completely didn't recognise it until it was well down the road. So you can never remind yourself too much imo. Perhaps have a go at a letter - it will probably help you a lot anyway to write it - and see how it goes as to whether you send it? Good luck hun X

You are so right about the Womens Aid website, Matilda! Dh has just printed out the Qs & As. There are a few things that I wasn't aware of and it's a tremendous relief to know that I am not alone. I phoned my parents today because my dad has been v. ill, and it was my brother who picked up the phone. I don't think we can go there again, and I don't want to phone if he is going to be there whenever he feels like it.

Are you ok? I don't know much about your circumstances and what has led you to being treated so badly. I too have been in one sort of therapy or another for decades! Scary, isn't it. I am really fortunate at the moment in that I am seeing a really helpful therapist, and dh and I met a good couple councellor. I totally agree that they are hard to come by.

It seems that there isn't much research into the effects of children being battered. I don't think my bro was battered as much as I was, but then I may be blocking stuff out. I used to have terrrifying rages before turning in on myself. What a mess!

Thank you for your kind words.

womens aid are brilliant aren't they? THE experts on domestic abuse - they've also got a 24 hr helpline, which is just good to call when you need some emotional support and just need to talk - 0808 2000 247. They also give advice if you ask for it (which makes them very different to, say, the samaritans) - general advice, as well as acres of practical and legal advice about what your rights are etc. They are also quite well funded for some reason! and have a lot of power to do things like change locks if someone is in a desperate situation. Talking to them helps to get things clear in your head, as one element of abuse that is so destabilising is how much it messes with your head, your thinking, particularly if it has been going on for an age - which it still is if the denial is still firmly in place with the perpetrators ie your family . YOu can think you're the mad one, when in fact it's the other way around...

I'm so sorry to hear you were so badly damaged by what went on in your home hun. ((((hug))))

Sorry if that post was a bit advice-y .

Yes I've had acres of therapy and it's a bloody hard road sometimes (grrr). It sounds like you've got a supportive partner, which is brilliant hellobello, bcs IME if there has been abuse in the primary years, victims often tend to go for abusive relationships - or I did anyway . My husband was extremely abusive, and it was only after I left him that I first realised it wasn't the first time I had been abused.. and thus began a l-o-n-g journey unravelling the abuse in my primary family (which up until then I had been unaware of). It takes an age to work it all out, bcs it's been knit so deep. But it is possible! imo it is powerful to get info about abuse, as this really does counterract the confused thinking that is often a symptom of abuse. The abusive situation I'm in now involves my daughter - but as I said it wasn't until that was right on top of me that I recognised it, even though it had been going on for a while. YOu'd think you'd see it, but I completely didn't. HOwever, this time I am well-armed and know what to do, even though it is extremely painful tbh

Little of use to add except: you don't have to put up with abusive people simply because they are genetiecally linked to you. You have every right to a happy, safe, abuse-free life. And if your biological relatives will not treat you with common human decency (ie they won't stop assaulting you, bullying you, shouting at you or calling you a liar) then you are perfectly entitled to walk away from them.

Hellobello..I too have a bro who sounds like he is of ilk with yours.

I made decision to have nothing to do with him, esp. after dd was born 7 years ago. He behaves like a violent bully and more so abusively when drunk. I didn't want dd to be exposed to that sort of thing.

as has been said, no-one has to put up with it, if they choose not to and are satisfied with their decision.

best of wishes with this.

IME it's not as simple as that though! You know you don't have to put up with it, but it's painful cutting off a family member (in my case, all my siblings) as you long to be friends again. For them to change

It sounds peculiar but although I do not have an abusive partner, I am left with the remnants of a weird upbringing. I still carry certain really negative expectations of myself and have found it really hard to fit in, especially in a work situation. My financial value is virtually nil and although I remain optimistic that one day I hope to be working and be financially viable, it's almost only because if I'm not optimistic, what's left?

You're so right, Matilda about how hard it is to divorce yourself from your family - It's a brave thing to do. Like you, Pan, I have no desire whatsoever for my dcs to experience what my bro offers.I did leave the country for years which helped quite a lot!

I've told my aunt about the disaster of my family - I think she's rather shocked. I don't know what to do about my mum. There is a great wall of silence surrounding all this. My mum doesn't talk about it, and it must be hard for her having a husband and a son who are brutes.