Breaking up but still a family

[Clownfish89]

My ex the mother of my son breaks up with me saying she's unhappy. Then always wants to hang around and spend time together and be a family. Then wants to be back together then breaks up with me again saying the same old stuff. Right now we're broke up but have been going kayaking together, the beach, playing squash having lunch. Taking the kids out together and even decided to book a holiday to butlins. She's pretty insistent she won't want to be together again but this has happened alot. We both have a great time when we hang out and I think we both just want the same thing to be a family. What would you guys do just tell her to fuck off? Or carry on hanging out and being a family as it does make me happy. It's so bloody stressful

Also should add the reason I've said I'd stop being a family this time as I saw she'd been online browsing a certain website although she insists she didn't speak to anyone

What do you want?
If you want to be with her again then tell her but if not then don't do stuff as a family and try to create some distance. Do things with your kids separately.

I think put aside what you want and think about your DC. How good do you think it is for them to see you split, play happy families, get back together again, and repeat?

Separate this for their sakes.

Well yeah I want to be with her. But she's said she been clear that she doesn't want to be together. But enjoys each others company and wants to be a family. I mean if its the best in gunna get I might aswell?

Yeah I do think about that. But then there so happy when we're all together as a family. Everyone says different things and it's so confusing

Would you like to live with her/be in a sexual relationship with her again? If not, fuck her off. My son's ex did this with him - and because he wanted to be a family with the children and all that, he went back to the ex - she messed with his mind so much, tried to stop him seeing family and friends, wanted him/didn't want him, all that messing about. He finally told her No more! 9they originally split as she was abusive, physically violet (he's 6ft 2, she's a foot shorter)and she used to drink too much, resulting in a driving ban.

Get back with her, with YOUR rules, or fuck her right off for good.

Yes I would like that to eventually be back together, living together and be in a physical relationship. But she says she doesn't want that and has been clear. That's why it confuses me that she wants to carry on saying we're a family, going on family holiday and hanging out doing all this cool stuff like we're best friends

What would u guys do? I don't wanna lose my family

In your perfect world you and she would be together. In her perfect world you are her emotional support, good friend and share in fun happy family time without being together, but she is free to find someone else. And when she does, and she will, you won't be needed any more and will be dropped like a hot brick.

She's not being realistic or fair on you. She 100% gets what she wants at the moment. And you get the crumbs of what you want. You are left living in limbo and hope that she'll change her mind. But the only thing I foresee for you is heartbreak when she meets someone else and then you won't even be getting the crumbs. She'll say I told you we weren't together and expect you to suck it up.
The only thing you can do is step away now. Co-parent as separate units. But these pretend altogether happy family outings need to stop until you aren't seeing them as a hope for a future relationship.
It must be very confusing for dc now, but it'll be a mind blower when mommy's new boyfriend appears in the mix.

That's not fair on you.

I get that your son probably enjoys it but he has presumably been told that you're not a couple any more.

Don't be afraid to say assertively and politely ''no, that doesn't work so well for ME''.

You sound very accommodating, and you sound like you've been confused.

You have the right to start to get head space from the relationship and lots and lots of kind of fake family time won't help you detach.

Think about what would be ideal for you, good for your son too and then go back to your X with what works for you.

Clownfish, even if your goal is to get back together, you have to let her experience missing you.

SHe cannot miss you if you are so accommodating that you step forward whenever she beckonns.

STep back. Let her miss you. If she misses you she mgiht re-think, and if she doesn't miss you, you'll have detached a bit.

Sounds really painful and she's not being fair to you.

@lynne1cat ''fuck her off'' um the OP sounds like a decent partner and father and doesnt use misogynist language so why the ''fuck her off'' talk. fgs isn't there enough misogyny without adding to it on mumsnet of all places.

Thanks for d replys.. I'm not really the fuck them off kind of person. I'm normally a let it go with the flow kinda person and just take every day as it comes. But this has got my brain in overdrive. My son loves our family and asked for family cuddles with us both and his older brother my step son.. I wish I didn't book the holiday now but I did. We will always be a family

I did say should I just tell her to fuck off in the op btw

When you're back together are you living together, and when you're broken up are you living apart?

I'd think it would be possible to play happy families for the sake of your dc (how old is he btw) if you live separately. But living together but 'apart' seems unworkable to me. Have you got as far as sorting out residency? Does your ds live (mostly) with your ex when you live apart? Could this be clouding your judgement on the issue - wanting more time with your ds so accepting that your ex comes along too?

We have lived apart for about 3yrs just around d corner. We have 50/50 joint custody of our son.. He's 3 1/2 and my step son is 11. He has to happy awesome little homes and get everything he wants. He still has an amazing little life he stays with me 4 nights a week. We split all his money 50/50 child benefit and tax credits and we split his needs 50/50 and were like the fucking ateam as being parents together. We share every moment of his life together

As a pp said, I'd be looking at the impact on your dc. It sounds like you can do the co-parenting bit really well but all the on again off again will not be good for them especially your little one as he gets older.

In your shoes I'd be looking to move on. At the moment you're letting your 'ex' have her cake and eat it. And you're just left with a few paltry crumbs.

Can you get on some dating websites or out and about socialising without jeopardising your co-parenting?

She is playing you because she knows how too. Once she has someone new lined up she will drop you like a hot stone. I was played like this for a while then once he had set himself up with next target I didn't see him for dust. Be brave. Draw a line. Maybe you will get what you want. But if not you will have your dignity.