Does it get better? Future after betrayal

[gemlar]

Apologies for the long post.

Been with my husband 13 years, married 6 years with 2 children. We got together young (I was 17).
I found out 4 months ago that he had slept with someone else. It actually happened almost 5 years ago but I only recently discovered it. He said it was the once, I had doubts about that, but I know he and this person are not in contact now and haven't been for several years.

I have always had a small trust issue, when we were younger I found the odd text to other girls on his phone but I believed that it was more for attention at the time and nothing actually came of it. In my gut I think I always knew something would happen but I guess I thought I was just being paranoid and thinking the worst. The person he slept with though was someone linked very closely to us and it was hidden by them both afterwards for years. As you can imagine this was a massive betrayal for me and has completely destroyed any trust I had, not just with him but it has also caused me massive trust issues with anyone - even friends and family.

We have otherwise had a great marriage, were best friends, never argued and generally have had a good life together. I genuinely believe he regrets it and has been trying to hard to make things better between us. It feels to me like it was a case of 'is the grass greener', because we were together so young. I agreed to try and make things work, mainly for the children but also because I do love him even though right now I feel like a fool for doing so.

4 months on from finding out and I am still struggling. Some days I am fine and others I am not. My gut is telling me it is more than he said, as much as he says it wasn't. I think about it too much and almost convince myself that he is lying to me. I'm so confused, I want to believe him but I have no trust anymore. He hardly ever goes out without me and the kids (except for work) yet every time he does I get all these ideas in my head that he is texting other people. He leaves his phone lying around all the time at home, I know his passcode, so I can always look if I want, yet all I can think is how easy it is to delete things.

I want it to work, but I can't carry on feeling the way I do. It's hurt me so bad, yet if I leave I know it will hurt more. I know a betrayal will take time to get over but at the moment it feels impossible. I am an over thinker which really doesn't help my head at the moment.

I haven't told anyone about this, my family love him, they think he is brilliant and I don't want to have to tell them what has happened. I have friends but none close enough anymore that I feel I can confide in with this. I don't feel like I can trust anybody. I don't want to keep bringing it up with him now as I am trying to draw a like and move forward but I feel so alone sometimes and as much as I want to stay and have a happy ending I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel right now . Yet the thought of being on my own is even worse.

Does it get better?

Did anyone stay after betrayal and get a happy ever after? Or am I trying to save something that won't work?

I do think it's possible to rebuild a relationship after infidelity, but only if the unfaithful partner is completely honest and committed to doing whatever the betrayed partner needs without complaining.

I also think it's really important to find someone to talk to, and if you can't talk to your family and friends perhaps consider counselling. It's too much to bear on your own with no support.

I've been cheated on and I felt really overwhelmed by the sense that I didn't know my own life - my partner seemed like a stranger to me. It's an awful thing to discover. for you.

Sorry for the situation you’re in.

Whilst I can’t speak from personal experience what I have heard is that moving forward is possible and more successful if the relationship going forward is treated as a new one. So your relationship with him up until now is over, and you are starting again effectively.

I think with counseling and no expectation that things can ever go back to how they were then you will give your relationship the best possible chance to start anew.

Good luck - not sure I make much sense at all but I hope it helps.

Thing is, you don't and have never had "trust issues" - you have had an untrustworthy partner. I hate the way we find ourselves calling it "trust issues" as if it's the injured party's problem in cases like this, when it's actually down to the cheat's shit behaviour.

I would advise you to talk to someone, just one friend or family member, or a counsellor on your own, to talk things out.

I can speak from personal experience as it happened to me and I tried to stay and make it work. He gave me all his passwords, full access to phone etc but every time we were apart I always worried if he was messaging someone or meeti g someone.
Unfortunately, once the trust has gone, I believe it diesnt come back as you will always have that seed of doubt. I tried for 2 years... then found messages to the same person he'd cheated on me with previously. It's the lies that go with it as well.

I'm very sorry for you as I know exactly how you feel. Trust is like a broken plate. You can glue it back together so it looks ok again but the racks are there forever. Xx

Cracks

I was in a similar situation. I asked him to move out our families and friends knew and we started dating again once I had calmed down a bit. I think that way when he did move in it was a fresh start. we went to relate counselling. I knew he was sorry. I understood his reasonings for doing it. We looked at what was missing in the relationship for both of us and now we work extremely hard to not fall back into the rut we were in. Been together same amount of time as you and you DH. 5 months on and I feel we have never been better. It is hard work. I am starting to trust and believe him because his behaviour is consistent and he works so hard to make me smile. It’s not easy. Some days I have wobbles.

I hope you manage to find forgiveness even if it’s just to stop you driving yourself insane.

I couldn't forgive and I certainly couldn't forget. We divorced.
Friends of mine who stayed together all say the same things,: he's trying so hard, we are stronger than ever, I check his phone all the time... women who have lost a bit of themselves they will never get back.
There is no right answer. But dobt stat because you are too scared to leave.

Hand on heart I think very rarely can you make it work. I know some couples try their best and limp on for a few years before breaking up. Some will genuinely go on to have happiness. But I think for most, once the trust is gone, it's gone. You can't get it back however hard you try.

It's very easy to say what you should or shouldn't do when it isn't your life but I think if I were you I would make a clean break. You deserve better than this man.

I have been through the same thing, tried to forgive and forget after I discovered the first affair. Just discovered he’s had another affair. This time it’s over.

I think it’s ok to try and fix it - I feel better knowing I tried.

I too found out stuff a long time after it happened OP. I am told it was just a one sided crush and he went too far, wrote poems and songs and recorded them and I fiund it all stuffed away. There was however a lot of texting at the time too. Just friends of course and it was someone we both knew. I don’t know if I have the full truth , but I do know your trust is shot to bits , and it’s very hard to look at them the same way ever again. I said in my head I would give it 2 years, I’m at 19 months now and still feel I was taken for a mug. I do care about him , but he doesn’t want it mentioning ever, he is hugely embarrassed and if it can’t be mentioned it’s an issue. I do know I feel tense in a way I didn’t before and I think he does sense it .

I think it is possible to move on but very much depends on the personalities involved and what the deception was. Funnily enough I could have forgiven a drunken one night stand much easier, when you see stuff saying how wonderful and alive someone else being around makes them feel, it’s a lot harder to just get over that

My gut is telling me it is more than he said, as much as he says it wasn't.

My gut is telling me the same.

Without full disclosure you can’t rebuild trust as you don’t even have the truth.

Are you sure that the girls he texted previously weren’t also affairs?

My dad was repeatedly unfaithful to my mum.

Each time she forgave him, he cried, begged forgiveness and life went back to normal. Until the next time.

I think there are people that can forgive and move on. But they're rare. And they're certainly not the person they used to be anymore.

I gave him the opportunity to tell me everything, which he says he has. I have made it extremely clear that if I find out he has lied at all then he is gone. He knows there is no more chances.

To be honest I surprised myself by staying as I was always one of those girls who said I would never stay if my bloke cheated. Turns out it's a lot different when you are in that situation yourself.

I stayed because I want it to work, we have a great family, home etc and I do believe he regrets it. Things have seemed better between us lately, it's like we have started again. I think we just got comfortable and with young children and work etc lost the closeness between us. No way am I saying what he did was right but I can kind of see why he did. As much as I will never really forgive him I hope we can move forward from it.

I just really wanted these feelings to stop. Feels like I can't move forward fully with it all still stuck in my mind. I'm hoping that time is a healer and soon they will go and things will start looking up. I'm just not sure how long it will take, or if it ever really goes

You know he is minimising and until you get full disclosure you cannot rebuild trust.