Anyone else in separation limbo?

[Misty9]

So dh and I have more or less decided to split. We’ve been having issues for years now and it’s starting to affect the kids now. But we want to see a relate counsellor first and we’ve also got a holiday booked for this summer. So we’re in limbo. And it’s messing with my head slightly :(

It’s likely that I will be the one to move out, but I currently don’t have a job as youngest starts school in September.

I’m finding it hard to not get caught up in the enormity of what will need sorting and feeling so sad at the prospect of my fairly nice life unravelling. But we need to carry on as we are for now as there’s no point telling the kids until actual changes start happening.

And then I think if I just stop thinking about it, everything will go back to normal. But it won’t.

Anyone else in this limbo no man’s land? :(

Why would you be the one to move out? You're the primary care-giver for the dc. Perhaps you could get some legal advice before agreeing to how the split would look.

I was here two years ago. Splitting up after a long marriage. Sad as it was it was the right thing to do. We too had a holiday booked, which he came with us. However we were both in new relationships at the time and it turned quite sour within hours of us being there. He spent all of his time talking to his new GF and not with the children and I over heard him royally slagging me off to her.

Needless to say I booked him a flight home for 'work reasons' the day after.

Anyway. Enough about that! Yeah I totally get the enormity of it unravelling. I didn't understand just how I would do it either after 17 years. And everything was joint too! Nightmare. All o can say is take one step at a time and the biggest advice I can give you is make sure you are financially safe.

I didn't believe any one when they said our amicable separation would turn bitter but believe me it soon did. So just keep your wits about you. X

Oh ps. Please don't move out!! You are the children's mother!!

Yes it's the financially safe bit which I'm certainly not feeling! It's complicated because we have both generally worked pt and shared care of pre schoolers- though it's been more me in the last year or so. I'm only not working because opportunities are limited in this locality. And the reason for me moving out was his business is based at home. But now I'm not so sure. And even though we haven't completely decided to split, even talking about money got a bit heated tonight...

Everything makes me think about the future and how uncertain it is: watching Netflix- thinking I best make the most of it as won't be able to afford such luxuries soon; ad about pension and thinking shit, I need to sort that; need new clothes but don't want to take the piss spending money. And on and on.

The plan is to co parent 50/50 as much as possible with home remaining the main home, iyswim. My head is so full! He's lucky as he doesn't really over think things..

The plan is to co parent 50/50 as much as possible with home remaining the main home Sounds like cloud cuckoo land tbh. It's great in theory, but emotions make things messy - and you're the one moving out. Careful you don't sell yourself out, end up losing financially - and you won't be the resident parent either.

Also, where is the space for either of you to move your lives on? What happens when he finds a new partner and moves her in?

Please see a solicitor before you agree to anything. Now would be a great time to do this, find out what you’re entitled to and the solicitor will give you a good idea of what to, and not to do remember moving etc.

You have a much clearer picture when you have seen the solicitor and worked out your finances.
Without wishing to sound unkind please focus.
Yes you will be reeling with the enormity but start somewhere pref with legal advice. I don’t think you should move out unless there is a good reason why you would.

Buy the clothes now. You need to prepare yourself for the long haul, make some investements in your with wardrobe and essentials. Start looking into opportunities now, and although it get heated, splitting the finances is exactly what need to happen whether he likes it or not.

Please visit a solicitor for free first consultation.

Yes i am in limbo land but further along the divorce proceedings with both of us living in same home. Unfortunately it seems limbo land is the place i have been stuck in for five months and does not seem to be changing any time soon. Be prepared for this. And try to take one day at a time and not think about how are we going to live in six months because although these things need thinking about there is no point getting worked up now, believe me because at the early stages i was like that too. I am still worried and do think abt it most days but not letting it consume my days.

Thanks rose - how do you cope on a day to day basis? I don't know how to behave around dh. I feel so sad today and keep crying. It feels like someone's died

I am rethinking the idea of me moving out but the last thing I want to do is take his kids away - they're as much his as mine. Whatever we do everyone loses out it seems. God this is awful but I need to slap a smile on from tomorrow as dc will be around every day.

I'll look into getting some legal advice.

Sending you a hug. 🤗
I try and keep busy with kids. If i know he is at home on a school day and its not a work day for me, i will stay out until after the school run. This as you might imagine is inconvenient for me and will not be as pleasant in winter.

The solicitor is the first step please see one first. I really am struggling to stay in family home with him as he is verbally and emotionally and financially abusive. My solicitor tells me if i move out with kids it is going to be harder to get him out. Last week i cried myself to sleep he had been so awful even the kids said why was he so mean to you there was no need for him to yell at you and say those things.

I cried a lot the first week and still prone to crying now. Because although no one has died we are still mourning a relationship.

I pray a lot this helps me but i know not everyone has religious beliefs.

Also in the same boat.

I will be filling in the paper work for divorce this week. I wasn't in the place to rush it, but he hasn't left me a lot of choice.

He is in complete denial though, despite years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse from him. I am in the family home with our child. He keeps coming round unannounced, starting off nice and then becoming abusive and refusing to leave. He is furious I am in the house and he is at his partners. I don't feel I have any choice but to leave as I'm living on the edge ATM.

He turned up tonight with flowers then got nasty!

Also have a family holiday booked which I will not be going on but I think he thinks I will change my mind.

I spent last Monday crying all day and night it really does feel like a bereavement at the moment - this sudden realisation that it's over. It all could of been so different 😢

Parents not partners! If he had a partner he might stay off my back!

@Misty9 years on but in this situation now. Just wondered how things are now? Any advice for someone in your old shoes? X

I was the one to move out 12yrs ago when we split and I never asked for maintenance for various reasons (including keeping a good friendship going). Now I’m left with little whilst he’s moved on and has a nice big house and got away with paying hundreds of thousands of maintenance. Don’t be like me!

But I will say I’ve managed. I’ve got a decent job, it’s housing I’ve struggled with being a single parent in the South East. I have Netflix, can go on holiday, never struggled to get things for the kids. I’ve never considered myself poor, and I’m proud I’ve done it all myself too

Not the same situation mine isn't amicable in the slightest and hope yours is smoother.

However, just wanted to say be wary about leaving your home because as soon as you do, should it not go smoothly at some point, you're on the back foot.

Wow, getting this email notification took me back a few years! Sorry to hear you're in the same boat. In the end we didn't split until 7 months later in March 2019, after another go at relationship counselling and when the dc were 5 and 7. I did indeed move out into rented and we sold the house 6 months later when he decided not to buy me out. I also couldn't do it until I got a job, which I did in April 2019. I moved house, started a new job and ended my 10 year marriage all in the same month!

Advice? Be prepared for it to be the hardest thing you've ever done. I was a mess for the first year, especially as exh didn't seem to have any emotional response to me leaving. The kids struggled in the beginning but I established home1 and home2 and we did indeed, and still do, share care 50/50. Something I got some stick for at first (from other mothers, not my friends though) but it's what the kids wanted and what was best. Then the pandemic hit just as I was getting my shit together, so that was fun!

4.5yrs on and I've bought a house (so has he), the dc are 9 and nearly 12, and they're happy. They don't bat an eyelid at having two homes but my youngest does miss me when at her dad's. So she comes for tea once a week. Me and their dad agreed from the start that we'd be flexible to their growing needs, and that's what we're doing. Both are autistic so they need predictability - and dd needs symmetry 😂

Neither of us have got together with new partners (although I've dated a fair bit and just met someone promising) and we prioritise the kids. Exh is autistic and I've been really lucky tbh as he's very reasonable and we coparent very amicably. I still do all the emotional work and decisions, and the rules are the same at both homes as a result.

Would I do it again? Yes. Any regrets? No, I can't, because then I wouldn't have the dc.

I'd advise gathering your support network around you, you're gonna need them. I found wikivorce a really useful website and exh responded better to black and white figures! He paid me spousal maintenance for two years as his earnings far outweighed mine, but I doubt a court would have awarded it. I'm back in my profession so earn more now and am mostly comfortable although running a household on a single income is increasingly tough. Mostly, I've found inner peace and I'm definitely more capable of being happy compared to when I was married.

Wow, that was an essay! Happy to answer questions but hope this is helpful. good luck and trust your gut.

@Misty9 sorry if that was so triggering. I hugely appreciate your reply and experience. My gut says don't even try once more. My kids haven't battered an eye that he's been gone 2 weeks as he was so distant/ kept himself in the spare room for so long, but if we have to move I know it will bs very different. I'm so so lucky with friends and family support. I just don't trust his reaction (erratic behaviour got us here). He constantly texts/pops round & makes his presence known somehow. It definitely feels tough but I'm feeling very lucky actually. I just need to sort the logistics! Thanks so much. I'm so glad you have a house, career, hopefully had a lot of fun dating (even if most are now funny stories) & you & the kids are happy. And that limbo is over. Well done you! Thanks again. I hope it wasn't too painful to reflect x

It wasn't painful or triggering at all, don't worry :) it was kinda good to reflect to be honest. I really hope things go okay for you - I must appreciate being divorced from a robot more often!