Think I caught new partner watching porn in the middle of the night...

[rosabug]

I've been with my new partner circa 9 months. He was single for some years before this and in a sexless relationship for about 3/4 years before that. In the beginning he told me during this time he had quite a masturbation habit - maybe up to 3 times a day. He is self-employed and keeps odd hours.

Everything great at first - we were very happy to have met each other as we are both in our 50's (However he does come with issues). Sex was wonderful to begin with, then it seemed to me that excuses started to increase and he also seemed to have to work hard to get erect. Anyway the other night, after giving me a relaxing back rub, he said not to mind if he was up in the night. I felt him slipping out of bed just as I drifted off. It's not that unusual but then I thought - WTF! we're getting up at 6.00am the next day?! So I waited a while and then I snuck downstairs, I couldn't hear a sound, when he finally heard me he shouted "Oh Hello - I'm just watching some TV" when I arrived at the doorway he was lying on the sofa, looking pretty stressed and repeated he was watching TV on his phone. He had his hand over his lap. It seemed obvious. But he denied it and went into "if you can't trust me then I'll leave..... It's up to you" performance, said he was "so offended" and "I don't lie". Unfortunately it's an issue with me because I suffered a lot of sexual rejection in my marriage and he knows this. I don't really mind a man having the odd wank, but if the core sex life is suffering, then I'm done. He won't admit that he has issues here - probably because he knows this is too much for me to put up with. It suddenly occurred to me the increase in "back rubs" had coincided with the decrease in actual sex. And that maybe the lack of sex in his previous relationship was also suspect. Am I paranoid or are my gut feelings right?

If you've experienced rejection before you are quite likely correctly recognising the signs. You seem to have let him know about your past experiences and made it clear you won't put up with it again. If you've had a good relationship so far perhaps you could try a final open conversation? If he refuses to talk this also tells you what you need to know about him.

For what it's worth I feel his defensive reaction is pretty suspicious.

His porn watching is having an impact on your sex life which you find unacceptable.... so best cut him loose.

I had exactly this problem with my ex. For years he denied it and liked about it. But thank God for browsing history. He became so complacent he forgot to clear it. Needless to say I had my proof. He was doing it at every opportunity. Even turning me down on our wedding anniversary for a shuffle in the toilet over teenage porn!

We had marriage counselling and months of therapy. That all turned out to be bullshit too.

He has now moved on and apparently he doesn't need it any more with his new GF. Lol. I'll never know the truth but I do know I was happier when he left!

Sorry to say but my stbxh did the exact same thing. He would get up in the early hours "for the loo" then end up "falling asleep on the sofa" which he did often and I thought nothing of it. His alarm would go off on the weekends even though he wasnt working and I would say to him to turn it off and he said he keeps forgetting. I'm not saying it's the same for you but I ended up finding out that he was adicted to porn sites and was setting his alarm and waking up delibrately to go downstairs and go on his phone or the laptop. He was "talking" to strangers on certain sites and because he was sleep deprived our sex life went downhill as did our marriage as I couldn't forgive him. He said he would change and he didnt. I too understand men have urges but when it gets to the point when wanking is coming between you then its a serious problem. I had to find everything out myself by looking at his phone (only because a message popped up on our laptop from a woman and my dd asked who she was) he lied about all of it until I found it out.
Like I said I'm not saying your partner is doing the same but I think you should ask him to be honest as its not fair on you x

Thanks for the replies. I have ended it, even though I'm not 100% sure. What I have mostly is what he has told me about his life before, red flags and just a strong gut feeling. If someone is prepared to lie through their teeth then you have nothing but your feelings to make a decision with. I'm not going down that tired painful road again. What is wrong with some men?

Just wanted to say that it's good to see a woman assert her boundaries and be decisive about binning a man when she sees red flags, Rosabug.

Most of the problems on this board would be avoided if women didn't keep making excuses for men who are abusive or unfit to be in a LTR. Female socialization has got a lot to answer for. That and the harm that growing up in a dysfunctional family can do.

I read threads in which some poor woman is struggling to disentangle herself from a long abusive relationship and can't help but think that had they cut him off at the start they'd have saved themselves sometimes decades of misery.

Well thanks Prawn. I think I was saved somewhat as this chap is not all that 'clever', he is intelligent, but not malicious - a lot of his behaviour was compulsive and partly unconscience. God help me if he had been cleverer or really malicious.

I was thinking about an old clip I saw recently of Germaine Greer saying that a lot of men (not all men) hate women and we ignore this at our peril. I kinda of agree, I don't think the word is 'hate' though. I think you could replace "not fully worthy of regard as autonomous people" in place of "Hate".

They are the centre - we are a supply or resource to enjoy, exploit and abuse if desired. If they are damaged or unhappy - why bother to self - improve when there is a line of needy women you can dump it all on?

We talk a lot about the women have been brought up. But the answer lies with the way men have been brought up. Sometimes I really fucking hate being female in this world.

This is a good article - I particularly like some of the comments.

www.thecut.com/2018/07/the-kinds-of-monsters-i-used-to-date.html#comments

Good article but I can't see the comments. I think it's because I haven't got a US zip code.

Glad to see you went with your gut instinct OP always a wise choice.

Good for you rosa, i agree eith every word and would have done the same thing!

Good for you ...I'm glad your not like me and listened to your gut. As an earlier reponse said ...some women spend ages hoping and wanting their partner to change and wished they had done it sooner. I ended up listening to the people around me who all had the same advice. Love for the future x

@ Prawn. The comments are there - but you need to click the black comments box at the bottom. I particularly liked this one:

"My stepmother is a nurse who had an 80-year-old patient who looked like she couldn't be a day over 50. My stepmother asked her the secret to looking young and the lady said, "I never put up with men. The moment I was uncomfortable, I just left them. If a man didn't meet my standards, he couldn't pressure me into dating him, and nor could my friends. I spent most of my 80 years single and happy while my friends kept getting married over and over again and they either look terrible or they're dead. Men will suck you dry. I look young and juicy because I never allowed it. Just don't let men be that damn important in your life."

Best piece of advice I've ever heard in my life."

mum35 thx - as the days go by I feel I have dodged a big bullet. But I have to say his issues were plain to see and we had only been together 9/10 months. It's more tricky when you have invested a lot and it's less clear what might be going on. What happened to you? What was your gut feeling like? and what advice were others persistently giving you?