Can't stop blaming myself for losing my ex

[SugarBabe18]

Hi there.
I am constantly blaming myself for losing my ex. He was very controlling and wanted everything his own way, but I still blame myself. I wish I had conformed. Please help!

Do you really wish you had conformed? Where would that have gotten you?

Maybe you're feeling alone & lonely. Remember your ex wasn't your one & only chance. There are other men out there who won't try to control you in any way. Imagine how lovely that'd be! But first...get over your ex by writing, drawing, talking to friends, seeing a therapist or all of the above. You can get over him. You shouldn't have to conform.

Thanks for that, but I have done all the above plus the split happened 10 years ago :(

I've had one other relationship after him resulting in me moving half way across the country to live with him, only for him to treat me badly which resulted in me moving out.

I just keep going back to the controlling relationship wishing that I had conformed, then at least I would be with someone who I had feelings for. It's just at the time, when we decided to buy a house together, he said that I had to live where he wanted to live (i.e. close to his Mum and Dad, his brothers and his ex wife and daughter). I agreed to do that. But things just went downhill from there. He wasn't happy for me to do the things I enjoyed, i.e. spending time with my Mum on a Saturday. He wasn't happy when I landed a great job which involved me travelling. Instead of him congratulating me, he asked me what I thought it would do to our relationship. He didn't want me to go out and he didn't like me to talk to other men (even men work colleagues). He was always suspicious of where I'd been. I took all this that it meant that he genuinely loved me. The last straw for him was at Christmas. We had spent the full day at his Mum and Dad's house and then he expected me to go round to their house again on the Boxing Day so his daughter could open her presents with him and his Mum and Dad. I wanted to go and visit my brother as he'd been on his own all over the Christmas period, which I did do, leaving my ex to go round to his Mum and Dad's house again on the Boxing Day with his daughter. This is when, he told me, that his brothers had told him to 'get rid of me' which he did.

I just wish that I had gone to his Mum and Dad's house again on the Boxing Day to make him and them happy, but at the time I didn't think it was fair that my family wasn't even considered or in the equation.

So, he finished with me and his excuses were that:

1. I didn't go round to him Mum and Dad's house for BBQ's.
2. I sometimes didn't watch a film right until the end.

He also threw in that even my own Dad doesn't want me (my Mum and Dad split when I was about 12 years old and my Dad has never bothered with me or my brother since).

I don't really think I'm making sense, so please bear with me. I just blame myself for not making him happy and if I had done all of those things, I would still be with him now :(

I would really welcome any comments. Thank you!

The simple version:

You "don't make him happy" because nobody would make him happy, so don't bother trying. A relationship based on control is not a relationship, so you're better off without him.

There are far, far better people out there. Please stop blaming yourself as he has conditioned you to do that. He wants a slave, not a partner.

Thanks for that. The thing that really hurts though is that he moved on so quickly after me and he got married to a woman at the venue where were talked about getting married. That really hurt :(

"I just blame myself for not making him happy and if I had done all of those things, I would still be with him now"

Trust me it doesn't work like that.. he would have made you do many other things you didn't want to do and would have left you for something else you "didn't do".

What you are describing is not a relationship/partnership or anything resembling a normal relationship. He wants someone do to what he wants when he wants or they will face the consequences. Its tiring, demeaning, exhausting and unhealthy.

You are not to blame and you do not deserve to be in a relationship like that.

Why would he have been a good partner in life?

Pity the poor woman he married and congratulate yourself he ended it with you when he did.

HE DID NOT LOVE YOU. Love is not control. He doesn't love the woman he married either. He wants a slave, as a pp said. Be thankful to be free to find someone who will really love you.