Thinking of leaving...

[Jadetreesbringluck]

We are sitting down to talk tonight. We have done this numerous times but I think tonight I need to be really really honest.

The thing is I just dont think I ever loved him like I should have. I dont think I have ever actually been in love. He is a lovely guy, but thing he does annoy me so much I cant pretend anymore. He loves me completely - I have never had that before. He would do anything for me and has done. There are so many things I can put on the 'pros' list. We have 2 children and are married. Do I split up my family just because I am not happy and have made a mistake - or do I keep going until the kids are older?

Its not that I even want to meet someone else - although If I did and I could fall in love, that would be great, but its not the main reason. I am constantly 'at him' about stuff ....from housework to childcare - and he always takes it on board and tries harder. He really does try hard but at this stage I think what I am really asking him is to be someone else and that is not fair on anyone.

I am afraid to tell him I have never really loved him - how can I do that to him? He is going to be devastated. He wants it to work so badly and there is no abuse, no affair, nothing sinister - he just isnt the right one for me. Im not even sure there is someone out there for me - I am prob best off on my own. I am very independent and have a busy job, lots of friends and can (just about) afford to keep myself and the children.

Need a handhold/some advice?

If you're constantly at him about housework etc, is it possible he's not as great as you paint him?

People who;ve been together for a long time should grow and compromise and learn together....both making changes to old habits which don't benefit the couple...and trying hard to make sure workload is equal.

I personally wouldn’t tell him that you were never in love with him. It will devastate him and could cause him long term issues for future relationships.
Maybe just say you don’t see him in that way anymore and you can’t force the feelings if they aren’t there. Break ups are always horrible and upsetting but sometimes they just have to be done. Gives you both the opportunity to eventually find happiness elsewhere (or on your own)

I am afraid to tell him I have never really loved him - how can I do that to him? He is going to be devastated. He wants it to work so badly and there is no abuse, no affair, nothing sinister - he just isnt the right one for me. Im not even sure there is someone out there for me - I am prob best off on my own.

Do not tell DH you've never loved him. Other matters aside, at some point your children will learn that you said this and wonder what it says about them and whether you wanted them.

It's very common for people to say they realise they never loved/were in love with their partner/spouse. A number of counsellors say that for all it's a common claim, it's rare that it's true but is a useful story people tell themselves. However, there must be some cases in which it is true.

Have you had individual counselling and you're sure of your position? It might be worth you talking this through with someone who can give you a different perspective (that doesn't necessarily disagree with your own conclusions).

How old are your DC? Are you annoyed enough with your DH that the environment is now or will be toxic for the DC or give them a poor view of relationships?

Well he is not perfect of course - he is more messy than me and can be lazy. He will agree to do something but then 'forget' or I have to nag him, but then he will do it. He does try, he tries really hard but he is just not that orgainised as a person.

He is a great support to me emotionally - he is always there for me no matter what. I have had a tough few years with my health, had PND, then bereavement and through out it all he was wonderful. We can have a laugh together - but we can also clash - which causes arguments. He thinks I over think everything and to some extent he is right - but I am trying to change myself, to grow and push myself and I get frustrated that he doesn't do the same. He is happy with the status quo.

I have a lot on in my job and things are looking up (promotion on horizan) and he is a brilliant support and is so damn proud of me. He does a lot of the childcare, is happy for me to go out or go to book group or a gym class - he supports me through all my mad notions! Ie. going back to college while working....me starting new diets (he cooks what ever diet I am on!) he does do housework, often not to my standard but he has no problem doing the washing, cleaning floors/toilets/cooking/shopping.

He never really spends money on him self - I can buy whatever I want from family money without any issue. His wages goes into our joint account and I deal with the finances mostly. (But I like this - I would hate not to have that control)

On the other hand - He is short tempered/moany when things dont go his way. He is working on this. He can be lazy, argumentative, we disagree on discipline with the children - but again he does try to improve and will take on board things as I bring them up.