Age gap, should I act on it?

[defuqshudido]

Hi all. I am a regular poster but I have NC as this is quite outing. I have sought similar advice in RL so have a fear of being recognised.

I have a colleague at work. I really really like him. Like I feel sick when I see him like him. He is early 40s I am late 20s (sorry, trying to be vague).

I can't decide whether the attraction is mutual. It's driving me mad wondering if I'm overthinking things he has said or just being friendly with compliments. I say this as humbly as I can, I know I'm not ugly and I want him to like me for me, not what I look IYSWIM. I don't just want to be an excuse for him to have sex with a younger woman. I have a great job, good salary and can certainly hold my own with him. I've been treated like shit in the past and I like him far too much to become a Friday night bit of fun. I'd rather not bother full stop.

Even if things did get off the ground, would the age gap be too big?

We are both single, both have DC from prev relationships.

How do I test the water? I don't want to be too obvious because it would be awkward as HELL if it backfired.

I'm sick of googling "how to tell if someone likes you" like a bloody 15 year old. Someone knock some sense into me.

Ask him out for a drink & take it from there.

How much time do you see each other in work would be my first question.

Working together, odd coffee break chat etc would probably have a different way forward than someone you see once a weel in another team.

If you spend time together already why not try to arrange group drinks after work on a Friday and get to know him out of work, then drinks alone?
Or.maybe see if he fancies grabbing lunch one day?

The age gap is irrelevant. The problem is that you work together. In my opinion, if you love your job, are concerned about career advancement within your current company, and make a good salary, I would NOT get involved with a colleague. I've been around a long time, and 95% of the romantic relationships I have witnessed among co-workers caused varying degrees of trouble and awkwardness.

Thanks for all your replies. We work very closely together. Different offices however our roles collide and we have to collaborate daily.

We actually have a works social event coming up and I'm worried about making a complete tit out of myself.

I hear you about getting involved with a colleague and this does concern me but I'm like a teenage girl with a crush! It's driving me potty.

I'm dodging asking him out for drinks for fear of being rebuffed. I feel like I need to know the likelihood of a "yes" before taking the plunge. Don't want to have the awkwardness involved with rejection.

I should also add, two other colleagues who I work closely with have started commenting on us both saying we seem to be finding a lot of excuses to work together. This is like my worst nightmare, I hate the thought of being the subject of office gossip but I just can't seem to distance myself. I've tried and failed miserably.

For mine, the age difference ain’t an issue. A bigger issue is the possibility of an office romance going south. However.....Nothing ventured, nothing gained and I’d take a risk. I’d go coffee, as in "want to head out and grab a coffee?" Or "lunch".

I'm going to have to try the lunch idea aren't I. Otherwise I'm just going to be sat there for god knows how long drooling over my laptop every time he walks in.

I'm really nervous. It's new to me this. If I liked somebody in the past I would just ask them out. The majority turned out to be tossers like but this guy is different. Total opposite of what I would normally go for, it's not even like he is incredibly good looking, his personality is amazing and I can't help but fancy him like mad.

I'm fucked aren't I.

Better start looking for a new job 😂

^^ I'm not saying about his looks in the sense of "I normally go for really good looking men only", I mean it like it feels a bit more to me than just a physical attraction.

The social event is perfect timing I think. This is probably terrible advice (I'm useless ar this sort of thing myself) but what I would do would be play it cool, casual with him and just read him and how he is with you at it.
It's really quite easy to tell if he's into you or not in that situation unless he too is also playing it cool

Other issues aside, you work together.

What would happen if it went awry - either at the outset (you expressed an interest) or, if you had a relationship and then it came to an end? Would one of you need to leave and possibly uproot your DC?

@arranfan this is my dilemma. I think if it was any other guy who I didn't work with I would have taken the plunge by now.

I'm caught between trying to maintain my professionalism and feeling utterly miserable at not being able to tell him what I think.

I like to think we are both mature enough to act appropriately should it all come apart, I would cross that bridge should I come to It.

@Annabelle4 I will do as you say and keep cool at the social event. Last thing I need is to get pissed and throw myself at him. I will just see how the land lies and scope out the situation

I know what you are saying about it possibly going wrong,but, I met my husband in the same way. Worked together, fancied the pants off him, asked him for a drink. We've been married for 15 years now!
Just ask him out for a coffee/drink/lunch and take it from there.

@madja this gives me hope! Thanks for that. I am going potty over it. I have a little knot in my stomach constantly.

I am not usually the soppy type but I can't help it!!

There is 14 years between me and dp (soon to be dh) we were the same ages as you when we got together. It concerned him more than me to start with but over the years he has got over it mostly. It just works between us.

I would be wary of working together though. Only once I entered something with a colleague and it was a bad idea.

I remember that feeling well! We actually found new jobs within a couple of years of meeting, as it wasn't ideal working together, but I'll always be glad I went for it. I could always find another job, but I wouldn't find another him iyswim.

Depending on your personality, my go to line whilst chatting to him would be something along the lines of 'what a week, I could really do with a night out, problem is I feel like Billy no mates at the moment, as everyone is tied up, I wonder if I could rent a friend for a night?' And just laugh. If he's interested he'll reply with something like 'I'll be your friend for a night'. And take it from there. If he doesn't seem interested then you haven't lost anything. Good Luck!

I agree with stevesmithsmum

You don’t shaft the payroll. The age I think is irrelevant

@SoapOnARoap you don't shaft the payroll 😂😂. Like it.

I think I will play it cool at the social event, just watch from afar. There will be quite a number of us there so if I stay relatively sober and take notice of things, like if he lingers round me more, any discreet gawping etc I will know more where I stand.

If I get the "vibes" then I will progress to lunch next week. If not then I will leave well alone and no harm done either way.

Why am I finding this so difficult to navigate?

I know, reasonably well, 3 couples who met through work. 2 still together years later and 1 not.

I remember one colleague saying that it really helped their relationship when one of them moved elsewhere for work so even if it did work out long term, one of you might move....

And yes, everyone talked about them, at least for the first few months....