Last straw!

[rainbowkids]

Hi. My husband is a good provider and a good man. We met 2004 and married 2006. He took on my two dd aged 4 and 9 as his own as their father wasn't interested. I must add that my husband is in the army so he has for many years been away on a lot of the time.
With my girls he didn't exactly ever do any activities alone with them eg. Go to the park, swimming, colouring in etc. But i didn't push the issue only asked now and again if he could and he would always say the right things but never actually follow through. Then we had a ds in 2007 and husband pretty much does the same thing - which is nothing really in a way of interaction with any of the children. As for family holidays, well that has happened 3 times since 2004. Yes he provides well fort us but the children need more. It's too late now with the girls as they have moved out. Sadly you can see the clear bond with me and the children even though they do love him but he has lost all those years. My ds as often asked if dad can do things like i do with him and i constantly make up excuses about why he can't.
I've only just come back from a festival with my son and mother in law (she has always stepped in and gone away and spent time with me and the children). At the festival once again, my ds asked if dad could do spoon carving with him and after seeing all the dad's with their children, said he wished that dad could spend time with him.
That's the last straw for me and I'm so heartbroken. I can't keep making excuses. My ds actually said that he's worried he'll be too old soon to wast to spend time with his dad because when you become a teenager you don't really want to be hanging around your parents. Soul destroying is what this is!
I must mention though that if i would suggest husband doing anything with me alone then he'd be up for that. He is so obsessed with me and doesn't like the fact that i thoroughly enjoy spending time with the kids. We have our first grandchild in the way in August and even with that he says all the right things to show as if he'll be involved but never follows through.
I might as well be a single mother. My heart hurts for all his lost with our beautiful children

Are you just venting or wanting advice?

You say you've only had 3 family holidays since 2004. Well, we never had a family holiday until I was 14. And only one more after that. Didn't harm me in any way.

My dad didn't do much with me when I was young. We get on OK now, I've never held it against him. Didn't at the time, don't now.

You say you've only had 3 family holidays since 2004. Well, we never had a family holiday until I was 14. And only one more after that. Didn't harm me in any way

Fgs it isn’t a competition! OP came on here for advice not to compete on who was worse off

OP. He isn’t going to change. He was this way with your two girls and he’s not different towards your son who is biologically his. I can’t picture him suddenly changing his ways now.

I do think you have a right to complain about lack of family holidays. You say he’s obsessed with spending time alone with you, I’m sure he’d agree to a holiday just you and him so there’s NO reason why he can’t agree to a family holiday.

Was he happy when you found out you were pregnant?

Chippy There's not one question in the OP from what I can see, which is why I began by asking whether it was a vent or if she wanted some advice.

I made a comment that the holiday thing isn't necessarily a major thing in the scheme of things and that not every father spends lots of time with their kids and it doesn't necessarily cause issues in later life. Never indicated it was a competition. Many families don't have holidays.

Harsh question but- do you think he loves the DC? Or loves you so tolerates them ?

Fgs it isn’t a competition! OP came on here for advice not to compete on who was worse off

I agree

Your DH has no interest in the DC. I thought you were going to say he changed and was different with your DS.

What does being a dad actually mean to him? Some men think it's just about providing.

I went to a wedding a while back and in the groom's speech, he thanked his mum for the love, care, the fun times and sacrifices etc she'd made for him and his sisters and then thanked his dad for paying the mortgage.

Does he want to be that dad

Yes i think he wants to be that dad that provides his family with all they need.
He wasn't happy at first when he found out i was pregnant with our ds but that did change to happiness when i started showing and when i have birth he was with me every step.
Maybe I'm the one with the problem as he is a good man and does love us all. Although i do feel he loves me more and i love the dc more.

Some men simply don't seem to have paternal feelings. It's sad for your DC but it really is your H's loss.

What do you feel you want to do? I think that making excuses for why his dad isn't involved is probably not helping and is making you feel worse because you're effectively lying to your DS. Not sure how old DS is but can you come up with something to say that acknowledges DS's feelings, reassures him that you love him but doesn't try to explain away his dad's lack of interest.

Do you have other male members of family or friends who can act as male role models for DS?

Do you know what your H's relationship with his dad was like when he was a child? I'm guessing you are both roughly the same age as me - I was born in the early 70s and it was culturally the norm (at least my school friends reported similar) for dads not to be involved in the parenting except when it came to giving out corporal punishment.