Please dont judge me

[Whatsmyname14]

Good evening,

I will first disclose that I am a gambler in recovery. Have been clean for 91 days so far.

Had been having counselling sessions for this and I gambled to replace relationships.

One is with a friend who contacts me every three to four months to arrange a meet up but never confirms. I last saw her 2 years a go despite only living 10 miles away.

The next relationship issue with my husband and the reason for this post.

We have not had a full sexual relationship for 5 years and became more like housemates. There were also issues with him not pulling his weight when I with our little one, who is now 4.5years, especially when she was a baby.

The gambling debts are huge, he is aware of these and is staying with me.

We were trying to get some intimacy back and Saturday morning I suggested an 'early night'. He went down to make a cuppa, came back up and said that a friend had text asking him to go out and he had said yes forgetting about our planned early night.

I wasn't annoyed or anything, these things happen and to go and enjoy his night.

I have since found out that he actually text asking his mate to go out. I assume so the early night could be avoided. He doesn't know I know this.

I fear that this is our life now and that there will not be any intimacy any more.

This makes me sad as I very much want the intimacy back, he knows this. I can't push the issue because of the financial mess I have got us in. I feel like just not discussing any more and letting things slide.
I did that 3.5yrs ago and eventually got myself in this gambling mess.

Also, he is diabetic and has difficulties getting fully hard or keeping and erection. So it could be fear of that.

I also think its me, he doesn't want to sleep with me any more. I guess if he wanted to leave the gambling would have been the ideal time for him to leave me.

Arrgghh, I don't know what I am asking or what I should do.

I will not go back to gambling because a. I don't want to for myself or my family and b. I believe my blocks are high enough that I couldn't even if I wanted to.

We are only 45.

I guess this is my punishment for what I have done and should just accept it.

Wow op that's absolutely shit. Things happen and people use crutches to get themselves through rough patches. I'm not condoning the gambling, but you have acknowledged your problem and have a plan to move forward. You don't need punishing by anyone, people in glass houses and all that.
Think you gonna have to bite the bullet and ask the hard questions be prepared for the hard answers though an go from there.
Good luck I hope it is a misunderstanding or something that can be fixed, but don't leave it to fester and eat away what could be a happy relationship. 💐

It sounds like you've both had issues and a lot of stress in your lives recently. He has seemingly stood by you so far, he must care about you.

Maybe he is just struggling to get his head round things and wants to let off some steam and have some space. Men aren't great at talking about things and for some - this can affect their desire to have sex (so I've been told!).

That's what I don't get he could of used the gambling as the reason to leave.

The gambling has all been in the last 18months. 2 years before that I asked for us to go to counselling regarding the intimacy but he wouldn't.

When I tried to discuss things he just wouldn't answer. There was no anger I was calm, just no response.

Also, why doesn't the mobile app put the line returns in for paragraphs!

Damm, it did that time.

My husband can be like that and it's horrible. How can you sort anything out if they don't open up and talk.

Well have just told him I knew.

He tried to make out he didn't say his mate had asked him then backed down quickly.

Gave no reason why. Didn't speak again.

It was a conversation, no anger.

I left it by saying if he doesn't want an intimate relationship he needs to tell me so I know to stop trying and talking about it.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice wrt your husband and intimacy but I just wanted to say a big huge well done for accepting you had a problem and seeking help. It is so much harder than people could ever imagine and you being able to do that proves you are an amazingly strong person. Focus on getting better and then sit down and think really hard about where you see yourself in 5 years and what you can do to achieve that and if that doesn't involve a sexless marriage that is 1000% ok. You shouldn't stay out of guilt.

He is now back saying he didn't arrange the night out.

To be honest I don't want to discuss who asked first. I want to know why he doesn't want to be intimate and hasn't been for 5years. Since I got pregnant.