I want to be closer to family

[Ptwonjt]

So I’ve just moved in with my BF of 4 years but I am absolutely hating it after only a week. I moved to be closer to him, as after uni he got a job straight away in a big city that was only an hour away from his home. I however stayed at home for a year, as I got a job near my home town. I used to travel on the train every few weeks to see him and it was great! It was so worth the journey because we always had a great time, and every time I saw him it was like a mini holiday, but now I’m living there with him, I hate it and have cried everyday, and it’s starting to upset him which I don’t want or intend.
It was always my intention to move out soon after uni, however I never wanted to move far away (an hour max) as I come from a very close family, however I have moved 3 hours (on a good day) away. I didn’t really think about the effect moving out would have, as I was always fine at uni. I got a little homesick but I rang my mum and sister everyday and with regular visits, I was perfectly fine. However now I have quit my old job, to start a completely new one out of pure desperation to be with my BF and now I’m questioning if I made the right decision, as the job does not interest me in the slightest, it’s not something I want to do, it’s not great pay and I took it just to be with him. We also agreed that he’d move up north, however he wasn’t bothering applying to any jobs, so I took it upon myself to find the job nearer to him, because we were getting nowhere and I was upset about being so far away from him. Am I being stupid for being upset? I am convinced that in a few months i’ll either end up moving up north without him, or i’ll stay and be miserable. I know I can visit my parents and it’s part of life to move out, but I hate the city I’m now living in, and don’t want to live there. I came home after just one week of being there, and even though I felt some disconnection to home (I feel like with my boyfriend is home now) my home is not the new city I've moved to.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated!

It's hard to say what would be the best.

But this stands out to me: that he said he'd move up north but did nothing about it - so YOU did the moving for him, giving up everything important to you, taking a rubbish job. Sounds like you chased him - :imo this rarely works.

This is my opinion - men don't value women they don't have to work hard for. He wasn't prepared to work hard for you.

What does he say about you going back home?

OR you stick it out for a year and see how you feel then. Is he into you? Mad keen, in love, sad you're sad?

That's what I'm worried about; he's almost relieved that I'm there, but every time I mention family or the north or get upset, it's like he doesn't understand that I've essentially given up everything for him. He's very supportive but not understanding, so he'll make me a tea or buy my chocolate, but it's like he's not listening or just not getting it.

He's sad that I'm sad, but he just thinks I don't want to live with him, he doesn't understand that it's not him but the place we are. He keeps saying give it a few years because he does want to move eventually (emphasis on eventually), but at the moment I can barely stand the thought of a few months, because it's a long time to spend in a city and job you don't like.

I even get phone calls from other job offers back up north but I've been turning them down because I'm there now. I don't want to take a job and leave him again, I think it will be the end of us and neither of us want that (I don't think). The issue is, he did a very specific degree, where as mine is adaptable and transferable (chemistry) so there's lots of jobs for me, but it's harder for him to find a job, so I think in his head he's like, 'yes I finally got a job! I need to keep it because they're very rare!' Whereas I'm like, 'yeah I'll take this office admin job that has nothing to do with my degree, I'll be closer to you then.'

My mum has said there's nothing stopping me from going to interviews, but I feel like I'm betraying him. But I knew, in the months leading up to the move, that I didn't want to live there. It was great vacationing to see him there, but not to live there.

(Sorry for the long post!)

You might well settle down - a week isn't long - but there again, you might not. You need to decide what it is you really want. Is it worth being miserable and living in a place you really dislike for the sake of your boyfriend? If you decide to stay, you have to decide whole heartedly, because if you don't, then you will grow to resent him.

I lived the majority of my life in a place I didn't like. Initially, I was moved there as a child, but then married someone who said he could not live anywhere else, despite it being more sensible, because of his job, living in my home area. When we parted company, he buggered off abroad and now lives there and I was stuck in the shit hole I hated.
I did manage to escape, but it is one of the many things I find it impossible to forgive him for.

You need to think this through long and hard and talk to him. This might be the end of your relationship. Good luck.

Why did you choose Chemistry? What was your plan for a career path? Please think about yourself here a bit like your boyfriend is only thinking of himself. Don’t throw away a potentially great career opportunity. Get that sorted first.

You're betraying him by even thinking of going to an interview - yet he betrayed you by saying he'd look for a job up north but made no attempt.

Nope. He's just not prepared to put himself out for you.

Buys you chocolate bcs you're upset? Fuck off! He knows perfectly well why you're upset he just doesn't care enough. Why should he, you've done all the running.

If it's harder for him to find a job because of his career than I can't say I totally blame him for taking one when it came up.

I don't agree with spring on the working hard for a woman thing but she prefaces it as her opinion.

It could easily have been the shoe on the other foot. You could have got a job, he uprooted himself and got a job he doesn't like, and finds himself thoroughly miserable. I've known it happen that way round, too. The fact is until you try something, you often can't be sure. And you have to give it a reasonable time to be sure.

But once you're sure, then you base your decision on that. If you hate it there, you hate it there. It may be the natural end to your relationship and I'm assuming as uni seems fairly recent history, you're both fairly young still. It's pretty much par for the course - most uni relationships end a year or two later because of relocating for work.

It's the lies and deceit that are the issue here, not who is happy where -

Re he said he'd look for a job up north but made no attempt. Now you're unhappy where you are and he pretends he doesn't know why.

He knows perfectly well why.

springy Yes, to a point.

But let's look at what happened.

Man finishes uni course. Man applies for jobs. Gets one straight away. Takes job. That seems a reasonably sensible thing to do as you need to start earning. Man says he would look for jobs up north but made no attempt. Again, I think it's perfectly reasonable and sensible to remain in your first job for a year or more before starting to move around, especially if your career is somewhat niche. He didn't say he would a) stay not working straight from uni until he found a job up north; b) agree to look for a job up north within a year.

The OP CHOSE to move. She didn't have to. The OP CHOSE to take a job she didn't like. The OP admits she always wanted to stay near her family. So in her mind, he was always going to have to move.

Now, whether he really agreed to it and has fallen back on it or whether he genuinely does plan on moving in due course, he could be in exactly the same situation as the OP is now. He moved, he hates it.

It is what it is. It's what happens to most uni couples. I don't think there's the need to make the bloke out as a dreadful deceitful liar quite so vehemently as you have.

He has a mouth. He can SAY

"Op, I thought I'd be OK with moving up north but out turns out I'm not. Is target stay here."

But he said nothing.

Perfectly reasonable to stay in post-uni job for a year blah blah; NOT perfectly OK to not divulge that or actually to lie about it. Which is what he's done.

Fucksake: I'd rather stay here

springy Yes. And he opened it and has said several times, according to the OP, "give it a few years because I do want to move eventually (emphasis on eventually)"

So now it's her turn to open her mouth to him!

She knows precisely where she stands. She can either accept it or not. She wants him to change his mind, he's not going to. She is therefore totally free at any time to decide what is right for her. In her shoes I'd go get a job up north and get on with my life in the way I want. They're not on the same page, as is the case with the majority of relationships that form at uni once they are out in the normal world.

Guys thanks for all your advice, I think my issue is I always wanted to live with him, but never down south because it's so far away and literally all my family is up north. Now I'm entering my 3rd week here, I still get extremely homesick but I'm slowly getting used to it, however I still have this pull for the north. I'm going to give it a month (agreed with the BF) and see what happens. It turns out, the job I moved here for isn't what we thought it was, it's well paid but not what I want to do (debt collecting ) so I'm after a new job anyway. It's now up to the both of us to decide what we're doing, as his job isn't even stable.

Thanks for all your help and if you can offer any additional advice I would greatly appreciate it.

His job might not be stable but it's still a job and considering his quite niche, he's very lucky.

It's difficult but I wouldn't advise him to move and I think you made the right decision but unfortunately it hasn't worked out for you. Him moving north wouldn't solve your problem,especially given the current climate, moving to a location where jobs are scarce would be crazy.

I don't think either of you would be happy living where the other wants to live and I think that makes your future together difficult, if living together in the short term is the goal.

First you've got to prioritise hour career. Can't you get a chemistry job down south as you seem to be getting so many offers up north?

I moved a lot when I was younger and at the beginning you do feel a bit forlorn but with a bit of effort you soon build up friends etc and enjoy the new place.

But the whole point of sacrificing being home is usually to build up your career, so to sacrifice career as well as home is silly.