I am from a non Western background where my parents had a messy break up in a country where break ups are absolutely taboo. It was awful. Their relationship was horrendous. My mother was highly volatile and abusive.
I am now settled in the UK. Am married to a native british man. I am the career person. Higher earner. So money not entirely a problem for me (in case of a split). He has a job which is steady and average paying.
He is asexual.
I am not.
I have tried various doctors tests therapists counselling solo and couples. He has finally concluded he is asexual. He is kind. Considerate. Sweet. Respectful. Has massively low energy as well. I've tried for a CFS diagnosis but that led nowhere. He has tried nothing but he feels no need for it.
Two years ago he suggested a poly relationship whereby I have secondary partners. I cannot contemplate sex for the sake of it and we saw our friends who are in a similar set up successfully and considered various things and he suggested this.
I've been unable to do anything about this. I have abject fear of rejection and it is more complex than single dating and I cannot stomach the idea of going on a website.
I am equally unable to break up with him as our family unit is full of fun laughs and lovely for our toddler. A split income will remove toddler from a relatively okay house to who knows what. I can't begin to explain to my non western family in non western country where leaving marriages where the "offending" man is anything better than a wife beating wife raping shit is considered unfathombale. I will be ostracised.
Dh knows this. He is v sad that I am in such pain. He says he desperately wishes I find a secondary mate to fulfil the needs he can't fulfil. He asks if he can help me find such a mate. He can't. It's not exactly standard conversation is it? And I can't either. I don't even know how.
Yes I know you will ask me to leave him. But here i am. With the realisation that a rampant rabbit is just ultimately not enough for my battered self esteem. DH is my mate. My friend. His income won't let him find anything on his own that's more than a flatshare. A secondary relationship would have been perfect to at least try. But I don't even know how to do this.