Men who don't want to be parents

[BumDad]

I am starting this thread because the one I wanted to reply to was over a year old. I just want to say to all mothers out there that having a husband that acts more like "friend of the family" than a parent is a terribly sad and depressing thing for a woman to live through. It is almost abuse. I have had psychiatrists fault me for not divorcing my husband. I have also had psychiatrists dismiss my concern saying many men are like that.

My husband wouldn't change. I tried talking to him, going into therapy with him, and to this day I can say he is the same man. We now have a dog and he loves when the dog is sleeping but doesn't move off the chair to play or walk her. My younger son took the brunt of it since the oldest is quite independent. I didn't divorce because I felt I had to justify my decision to the children when they got older.

In every other way, he was a responsible member of the family. I would have left him if I had a strong support network but I didn't. In fact, my mother and sister still depended on me a lot. So my advice is to leave if you can. My oldest is now estranged from me because I am not a happy person. Ironic isn't it?

You choose him to be the father of your children, and who is to say your way of parenting is better than his ?

You can always leave. I left my exh when my DS was 10 months old. I'll "justify" it to him when he is older by explaining to him that sometimes people are happier being apart, that's all there is to it. I had no job and no home when I left him but I still did it.

There are always options.

I am not sure what you meant by "you chose him"? Obviously, I wouldn't have if I knew him as a father. On your second point, non-parenting is not a kind of parenting. If he had different ideas about parenting such as time for them to be responsible for certain things, or how to handle situations the child gets into, that's different.

Well, I am glad you made a good decision for yourself. However, your child was only 10 months old. That side of my husband only started to reveal itself when the child could actually engage with him.

If you staying surely you're showing your children that being an uninterested dad is normal so the cycle will continue when your boys have children.

Sorry should read 'if you stay'

What exactly is stopping you from leaving though? Staying in an unhappy situation has obviously affected your relationship with your children so how will leaving make it worse? You don't have to live like a martyr.

Out of genuine interest, did you both discuss and plan having children? Did he seem keen or actively talk about wanting to be a dad before you had children? Or did he seem to just go with the flow?

I ask because my husband genuinely longs to be a dad, but I work with a lot of men and get the strong impression that some of them only have kids because it's what their wives wanted.

I work with a lot of men and get the strong impression that some of them only have kids because it's what their wives wanted

I agree with this.

Omg what awful responses!

Op ignore the above.

Maybe repost this in feminism chat to get some rational reply’s.