Big Mumsnet lurker but (very) rare poster. Doing a declutter I just found an old diary and reading it realised that my first sexual experience/relationship was not only abusive but actually I was repeatedly raped. I mean, I sort of knew but reading an old diary made it so real as it was like it was written by someone else so I could see it clearly. The irony is that when I wrote the diary I was on holiday about ten years later clearing my mental clutter by writing as I prepared to go into another relationship with a guy who it turned out was to repeatedly pressure me into sex and emotionally abuse me. In between the two was an eight year 'relationship' with a guy but we never had sex as I recoiled from any intimacy. The pattern is so clear reading it back. After those two I went into a relationship with the father of my son and yes, he was seriously emotionally abusive which for years I put up with because 'no relationship is perfect' and 'you have to work at it'. Reading this old diary and realising just how wrong that first relationship was I can see the horrible path I have gone down. I am now four years single but feel like I can never be in a relationship again as I just haven't been able to do boundaries or see red flags. Posting as need to get it off my chest and don't feel like it is something I could talk about irl. It was very upsetting to read and suddenly 'get' what I knew on some level all along, I felt so sad for that 19 year old girl who just didn't realise about consent. I think and I hope to god that young women are better informed and more confident to assert themselves in the light of #timesup #metoo, Everyday Sexism campaign and so on. Thanks for reading.