How to say it's over - narccistic traits

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I know my relationship is over and have a date to end things imminently. I've realised over the last 6 months that my partner has a lot of narc personality traits, such as inability to take any sort of criticism, arrogance, elevated sense of importance, trouble keeping a lid on emotions and over-sensitive / feels easily slighted. He's also manipulative and suspicious. Nice combo, I know.

We have two children and I know he is going to hit the roof, take no responsibility for his share in where we are and tell me I'm ruining their lives. I just wondered if anyone has been through something similar and could offer any advice on the best way to deal with this / how to say things / how to react or not to react to his accusations?

I know I'm going to do it and that it's the right thing even though it's going to be awful - I feel compelled to and near-suffocated with the pressure. So I'm in a better position than a few months ago when I never thought I'd be brave enough to leave.

Any words of wisdom appreciated.

Hello, we are the two current posts with no replies! I was in your position a few years ago and the only advice I can't offer is stick at it. My XP(no D) refused to move out for two years (after six years of refusing to move in) and would try and act like I hadn't ended it. This seemed like an aspect of the narcissistic abuse - he literally didn't listen to the fact it was over! I get the sense that narcissists will do what they want regardless so if he ignores or tries to get out of it with good behaviour (see this with a friend stuck in a toxic relationship for years) just stand your ground and repeat that it is over. Hope this makes sense had to have a g&t after posting myself (I have that much self confidence!)

Well done for deciding to end it as well. It is really bloody hard

I have a lot of experience with men with NPD. My initial advice is to move out of the bedroom and to not engage with his ongoing questioning, accusations and threats.

Try to maintain an objective, adult, distanced stance. Imagine him as a giant toddler and deal with him as if you were a kindergarten teacher. Cool, calm, confident is the mantra to repeat.

Be organised, systematic and ruthless (without cruelty). Document everything, keep all of your and your children' important documents in a safe place. Open your own bank account (if you don't already have one.)

Tell family and friends what is happening and be prepared for him smearing you to everyone he can think of, accusing you of being crazy or abusive and pulling all the stops out to make things difficult.

Do not underestimate how far he will go to provoke and destroy you. This includes stealing documents and personal papers, cancelling direct debits and lying to you. He may also seek sole residency, have you declared an 'unfit' parent and financially abuse you by not paying bills.

My first, physically and emotionally abusive narcissistic ex husband did all of this to me.

What I have described is worst case scenario and I hope that you have an easier time.

Good luck and best wishes

The thing is you cannot reason with the unreasonable. They will usually twist your words and you end up going round in circles.
Keeping it simple and say this relationship is not working, I am not happy and would like to break up. Repeat ad nauseasm and do the broken record technique. Do not get drawn into blame shifting battles, which is what a narc is likely to do.
Good luck

I would also be aware of the possibility of physical abuse. Be prepared to keep yourself and your children safe.

NPDs do not like to lose control and can react in unpredictable ways.

I do not want to frighten you, simply raise your awareness of the worst case scenario.

You've done really well to get to the point where you're going to feel the fear and do it anyway. I was in a similar position. Some bits of advice

• it will be pretty grim, but it's like childbirth - painful, messy and humiliating but only lasts a relatively short time compared to the benefits of getting it over with. Keep your eyes on the long term prize
• expect xdp to behave irrationally; don't plan any serious conversations or big decisions to be made in the short term. From the moment you've told him try to keep conversations short and factual, don't get drawn into rows, discussions etc unless you are in mediation. Expect bad behaviour from him too in an attempt to goad you into responding.
• definitely don't expect him to take any blame (it took mine 10 years to even consider he might have had a hand in our failure)

But DO go for it, it will be so well worth it!

Get all paperwork etc together (and out of the house) before you tell him. Start divorce proceedings before you tell him, or at the very least have a very sound legal understanding of your rights and responsibilities. Basically, do everything you can to shorten the length of time between telling him and being divorced from him. Ideally you would move out and take the children with you but I know that isn’t always possible or advisable.

If you have to live with him, prepare an alternative bedroom before you tell him if at all possible. Ideally with a lock. Failing that, a sofa bed in the children’s bedroom.

Prepare to be a grey rock. It really doesn’t matter what he says about you.

Thank you all - this has been really helpful. I am often drawn into he said, she said stuff, getting dragged into random blame shit and sidetracked from the original point so will heed this advice.

I perhaps naively hadn't thought about some of your experiences, am sorry to hear about them - and well done for managing to detangle yourselves, when it was clearly so much more of a fight than it should have been.

I don't want to say too much because I'm worried I'm being tracked. Not that I'm doing anything wrong but it's not a great feeling nonetheless.

I've some experience with this OP.

After lots of pain and frustration I happened upon the book "The Narcissist You Know" and followed the advice in this, being allow them to maintain their (wrong) sense of who they are and slip out the back door. The worst times for me were when I challenged his own narrative or did things that inadvertently hurt his ego. NC also did not work in spite of really trying as he'd smoke me out.

It was only when I essentially gave up trying to make him "see" and "understand" that I gained control of the situation by a little subtle flattery then grey rock then slowly shuffling away. He's still out there thinking I'm fawning over him probably but at least I can move on now.

My last (ex) NPD abuser still believes that he ‘was the best thing that ever happened to me’ (his words) and that I am still in love with him.

I am still in love with what I thought he was, but feel repulsion for him (the real him). This is a fine distinction which he will never understand or accept.

Grey rock is a term listed as a technique on the Out of the Fog website to use with the NPD we interact with.

If you are dealing with a truly personality disordered individual it is a great website.

He sounds like my ex. It would be worth giving Women's Aid a call. If you leave a message they will get back to you.

Do not tell him anything. Abusers get far worse when they feel they are losing their grip. Tread carefully and find support. Womens Aid are just brilliant for this journey and they can help you find an appropriate solicitor. Rights Of Women is fantastic as well. You need the time to get through. Persist and persist.

Hi op,
You've had some excellent posts and advice here. A lot of what I read echoes my own experience of divorcing a man that fits this description.

Good luck with everything, stay calm , consistent and level-headed. Try not to take any of this personally as his behaviour really is all about him.

You will get through this. In a couple of years time you will be back on your feet and reaping the rewards of getting out.

I too have experience of this. Don't get drawn into lengthy circular discussions and ignore all the smearing and bad mouthing - just move forward at pace.

Find a lawyer who understands this type of personality. Don't bother with mediation - they will just use this forum to continue the abuse. And aim to get to a resolution and divorce as quickly as possible as these characters will do anything to drag the process out and cripple you emotionally and financially.

Take what you need to get yourself set up, run and don't look back. In time you will see this as a lucky escape.

If you have kids try and get them some support / counselling too as it will most likely get messy.

I agree with @Lorry123 about support for children. My two from my previous marriage have both needed some kind of intervention for various reasons most likely stemming from their father's behaviour. Ds had sessions with a child psychologist and dd has had cbt sessions , both needed this help around the time they began to realise who their father really was.

Agree with other posters about the pointlessness of dealing with a narcissist. EXH was a covert narc and DP's ex is a fully blown one. She does the circular arguments and then descends into abuse.

Over the last few months she has threatened to kill herself (and youngest DD who is 17), claimed she is terminally ill, got DP arrested on a malicious accusation of assault, done the full-scale projection scenario and accused him of the 20+ years of coercive control that she subjected him to, attempted to blackmail him for an extra £100K of the divorce settlement and physically assaulted him.

In short, be prepared, get as much support as you can and don't get yourself in a position where he can get physically nasty.

My heart is racing reading all of these. Again, am sad to hear about what you have all been through. I think it is helping me get more prepared, and just more real about things. I hadn't thought about finding a solicitor who understands this - thank you, will speak to them first I guess and see what vibe I get.

The circular argument thing sums up our whole relationship perfectly, had never heard that term before but it has forever been a frustration - one I ironically was always blamed for. Will also check out the websites suggested, thanks again.

Feel sick to my stomach, but know it's going to happen this time and that (hopefully) things will be better in the long run.

Stick to your guns, don’t let him stall for ‘the sake of the kids’ I did that and now I’m stuck in limbo. You can’t get stuck in the circular arguments, if you don’t engage in the first place. Grey rock the hell out of him.

You have already made steps. You are fantastically insightful about your situation. Please find a solicitor through Women's Aid or IDVA through the police. The police hold the keys to a lot of support and work with WA and other services to make sure you are safe.

It took me so many years to even recognise my ex's behaviour as abuse and longer to accept it. I swept it under the carpet and didn't want it to be happening to me.

It's really big to be believed. To realise that it's not your fault and that the authorities believe you.

OP, we are all here for you. Keeping everything crossed

IrisAtwood ....You just described my stbxh in all that you said ....some brilliant advice there

Can I just say aswell ....I was in the same situation and I received help and still am from womens aid. Please Dont be scared to get some help. They help women who are emotionally abused aswell and are a great help when it comes to solicitors and rehousing. They can also go with you to a solicitors if you want the support x