My abuser won

[Goldengoals]

I’m not really sure if this is the right place to post this.
I need to get this off my chest, I have tried to fight the disappointment I feel at how I messed up my life by unwittingly getting involved with an extremely violent man. I feel angry every day that the abusive relationship I was in ruined my life in many ways. The abuse was a very serious threat to my life, I am lucky I am still here. Even after I fled, the abuse did not end, hence the reason I was in too much danger to focus on anything other than surviving.

For some reason the thing that gets to me most is this - I always wanted to work in TV production, ( I knew in primary school that was what I wanted to do!), so I did a degree in the degree course that was recommended to me by the tv companies.
After I finished my degree I got myself some runner/production assistant type work experience and absolutely LOVED it.

However, the abuser made sure he ruined my future career and left most aspects of my life in tatters for many years.

Years and years on and I have never been able to be satisfied with any job I’ve had. I’ve hated them all, to the point that every day is a struggle to get through the day and is a constant reminder of my failure. It is the biggest cause of misery in my life.

I met a TV Director through my dc activity and asked him for advice and he was pretty dismissive and said TV production is no place for mums with kids. My dc is pretty independent now, so I am not sure if this would still be the case.
I’ve never been able to settle because I worked so hard to achieve my dream and it was all ruined. I have never got over that. I feel that the abuser managed to ruin my life and to me that is no exaggeration.

I feel like I have missed the boat and I am now too old to fulfill my lifetime ambition. I mean I wouldn’t know where to start now, as things have changed so much and the director’s words were hardly inspiring!

How do I get over the anger and be satisfied with the daily disappointment of working in jobs I hate?

The director you met sounds like a Dickhead .

Can you google some local tv broadcasting companies and maybe volunteer to build up your experience?

Your ex is long gone , time to take charge and put yourself out there! X

The thing is I just don’t remember people in early forties doing the work experience at the companies, it was all youngsters. I suppose I don’t feel I have a chance anymore and the directors comments compounded those feelings.

I guess that’s why I feel so angry.

I've worked in the performing arts (theatre rather than TV) and one of the reasons I'm glad I'm not still in it, is that it's a horrible industry. It's not fair, it's not equal and it's difficult to get anywhere on merit.

Tbh, I'm not surprised that director was negative, as there are still some seriously bad attitudes in the industry. One of my friends works in TV and she's said a number of times that she'll be glad to retire in a few years.

Could you use your skills elsewhere? There's often a way, and then ultimately your abuser hasn't "won"

for you x

The only guarantee is that you won’t get what you want if you don’t get OP. If I’d have listened to all the people who counselled me not to try to get into my field, I would not be working in it today.

Get = try

Regret is just another thing that keeps you stuck and gives even more power to your abuser. What do you still have to gain by staying stuck?

Apart from the conversation you had with the Director, what else have you done to research your dream industry. You might well have missed the boat but you won’t know that until you really try and there’s nothing in your post that suggests you have done this.

I used to be a tv producer. I left after I had DS- but not because of him. I’d just got a bit stale, creatively. I know loads of parents in tv- and I also know a couple of women who began their tv careers in their thirties- as single mothers of preteen children.

It’s bloody hard, but not impossible. If you can get weekend childcare, I suggest you start with weekend running jobs or street casting gigs that can have quite flexible hours.

Have a look at the Media Families website for a start. Good luck.

But you haven't lost and he didn't win. You're alive as is your child, that's winning.
I do know about sadness at lost opportunities but the real sign of healing is when you can accept that not everything in life is within your control. I don't mean that to sound pompous or like a fb meme honestly. There are many many reasons why people don't achieve what they believe to be their life's ambition

I know someone whose just entered the tv and film industry with kids.
It’s hard she does turn down work (which looks bad as she’s starting out) and she has a lot of support with the kids.
What support do you have? The hours are long, varied and intermittent. That said she is liked as she has a mature attitude and is more patient she is also better at reading people.

I am the same I missed my opportunity thanks to an abusive ex and am now racking my brains at how I can start again. I don’t think I can. It’s long hours, I have no support and it’s poorly paid so can’t buy it in either.

Thank you Blue, I value your honest opinion.

The thing is I loved it and I have never come close to having the same level of enthusiasm for anything else. Plus, all the boring jobs I’ve had (I’ve tried all different sorts of jobs) come with many of the negatives you describe and then some, but without the interest I had for production.

I have tried to let it go for years, I just cannot seem to get over the anger. I suppose it would help if I didn’t find every other job such boring drudgery. I’ve tried so hard to find something else I like to no avail.

I guess this is the knock on effect of abusive relationships, the regret doesn’t always end when you’re out. This is the only part I have never been able to let go of.

If anyone could give me any advice at all, I’d be so grateful.

It is never too late - I changed career when I was 50 and pursued photography - something I had always wanted to do. I had a lovely 10 years doing that + arts outreach and singing workshops for folk with mental health problems and other disadvantages. It was wonderful. I have never regretted it.

Grab life and don't let others put you off.

It meant a big reduction in income for me, but my AC tell me that they were inspired by it rather than angry about less "stuff." So - be an example to your children and pursue your dreams. Good luck.

Sorry crossed post, I’m going to read the replies

Had you thought about training to be a teacher? You can do this on the job now. Use all your enthusiasm to inspire teenagers. Teaching is often slated but I bloody love it and is my second career. Older people are highly valued in schools.

Wow thank you everybody. I really feel a lot more encouraged.
I now have a lot of support with dc, so I am free to work long hours and/or weekends etc hence the reason I am reaching out to see if someone in their early forties would still have a chance to start in that industry. Last chance saloon, so to speak.
Your replies have given me hope and I know that I could get that fire back to get to my goal again if I’m pointed in the right direction. Obviously in 20 years everything in the industry has changed so much I didn’t know where to start looking.

What is street casting? I could definitely do running jobs at the weekend but would age be a barrier? How are the other older women changing their careers to tv production?

I will have a look at Media families. Are there any other good resources?

Thank you. I HAVE to fix this.

Limbo, I am sorry you missed your opportunity due to an abuser too. I understand the frustration. I really hope you can find a way around starting again.

Fizzy, the maths and science you need to be a teacher is not my forte! So I couldn’t be a teacher!
I think I need to try to do what was my original ambition as I was making a real success of it and it was the only thing I ever liked. Even if I try and fail, I need to try again. The feeling has never left me and now I have more freedom, it’s do or die.

Abusers never win.

I have a friend who is in her 50s and is doing work as an extra, as well as voice overs, and small acting jobs and is also screen writing.

Check it out. Move forwards. Live the dream. Don't let that voice in your head persuade you otherwise.

Good luck.

street casting is when you, literally, stand in the street looking for people to be in tv shows (usually stuff like Snog, marry, avoid or other makeover-y stuff) - it's a bit more finessed than that (you know, you target places) but it's a very entry level job

I've met people in tv production who in their thirties switched to the industry from teaching, ground crew for Virgin Atlantic, psychiatric nursing, and modelling.

They were all excellent, and are all now very well respected documentary producers (Except for the teacher, who went back to teaching.)

I promise, it's not too late.

Oh yes, we used to do similar for research purposes and would go to get members of the publics opinions on topics etc for items we were doing. I have also worked in promotions, so that would be very similar. Thank you, a great tip for a good place to start.

I typed in media families website and nothing came up for it. I have found other valuable sites though.

I really appreciate the reassurance, it is what I needed to hear.