I don't know what to do

[Rhibee1983]

Sorry this is quite a long one so do bear with me.

I haven't been seeing my partner for that long 6 months and there already seems to be a major issue. He thinks that I am cold, unemotional and not really affectionate (this is my first proper relationship since the break up of my marriage due to domestic violence)

He broke up with me for not responding to him in an affectionate way and i stupidly downloaded a dating site, when he said he wanted to work on things i deleted the app - i had messaged someone on there.

We were working things out but then one day we were just messaging and he told me he was feeling sad so i carried on messaging him but he went a bit mad saying that at that point i should of known to pick up the phone instead of continuing to message him and that it shows no empathy or understanding towards him so he broke up with me again.

I re- downloaded the dating app and messaged the same guy, bet you know where this is going! we sorted things out but somehow the guy that i was messaging off the dating app found my partner on social media and told him i had been messaging him. i know this is bad and i take full responsibility.

Since then we really have been trying to work things out but now it feels like i dont have the right to feelings, because he was sad and couldnt sleep i shouldnt be able to go to sleep as it shows no caring and a lack of understanding.

i know right now i have to take his pain and hurt because of what i did but any time i try and say something (anything) that isnt about what he wants or what he feels then he says its though im not showing that i am hurting as much as him.

When do i get the right to say how i feel without it getting thrown back in my face

Get rid of both the guys. Your supposed partner is making you responsible for his feelings. That way misery lies.

Red flags!!! You're heading into another abusive relationship! I suggest you leave him and work on you, do the freedom programme

Not being allowed to sleep, wow, please leave

You shouldn't go to sleep if he's sad and awake? Seriously? Wtf! You need to see the red flags and run. Fast. Straight to the Freedom Programme. This guy is nuts! Seriously barking.

You've done nothing wrong. So stop that "I take responsibility " stuff

Kick them both into touch. Should a new relationship really be this hard? Your bf sounds like VERY hard work.

And the other guy sounds like a snake in the grass.

Really shouldn’t be this complicated after only 6 months of dating this is supposed to be the honeymoon period. Get rid of both of them

not that im not allowed to sleep. the exact message says

It is not that you should apologise for falling asleep. That would be ridiculous, its the fact you can do it when person you love is in pain. it doesnt show you care. it doesnt show that your actions matter to you, and like me are emotionally distraught

Dump your boyfriend - he makes out that whatever you do isn't enough (eg: you're "cold", you should magically know to phone him, etc). It shouldn't be this hard and you shouldn't have a "major issue" in how you relate so soon. He's got red flags dripping off him.

Don't bother with the other one either.

Take some time out from blokes and do the freedom programme to help you reset boundaries after being in a relationship with domestic violence. Otherwise you're going to find yourself repeating those kinds of relationship.

Your partner sounds very manipulative.

It really shouldn't be this difficult after six months. Get rid.

whats the freedom programme?

Please dump this guy. What he's actually saying is his feelings are more important than yours. It is a red flag and this relationship could be very harmful and dangerous to you.

And the online dating guy - dont communicate with him ever again either. i cant for one minute understand why he got in touch with your BF.

Stay away from manipulative people like this.

Oh my god.

You've got in with two abusive men at the same time!

i know right now i have to take his pain and hurt because of what i did No no no no no no no. Wrong.

You didn't do anything bad. In the words of Ross "we were on a break!"

Relationships should not be this hard. In the early days you are finding out if you are compatible. You and them are definitely not compatible. You should have dumped the dickhead long before he dumped you the first time.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
You so very need the Freedom Programme. You boundaries are fucked. Fix your fences before you date anyone else!

the one i was messaging i have no intention of ever speaking to again. i just cant get over his reactions it really is like i am not allowed to have feelings

Oh my god.....Run, Run, Run, Run.......Your next text to this boyfriend should be “I’m sorry but this relationship is not working for me. Thankyou. Goodbye”.

He seems to think a lot about his feelings and very little of yours. Why are his more important?

So you messaged a guy when single and he tracked down your boyfriend when you got back together?

He is dodgy as fuck. And a good example of why people need to be careful when they see their ex/mates boyfriend or girlfriend on dating sites. Often we don't know the ins and outs of others relationships.

Your boyfriend is a tool as well. He may be just very needy (which often tips into emotional abuse) or this could be first signs of planned abuse. Either you way, you should get out. Now.

i did treat him badly on one day out with all the kids and its been since that point that he seems to think that i have been gas lighting him, but if i tell him otherwise then i am a narccassit

Why are you still with him?! Dump him today.

He’s emotionally distraught? You’re a narcissist? You’re gaslighting him? No empathy? Where’s he getting all these terms from? He sounds way over the top and unstable himself.

Op, you've found another abusive guy, he's projecting. If you're as awful as he says, he should be running.

The freedom programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/. Doing the course in person is best and free I think, (the online is £12).

ive just signed up to the freedom programme and honestly after these last few messages i am done!

"i honestly cant believe you dont have acceptance of what you have done and put me through. Have you any idea what i have had to do? i have appreciated and shown acknowledgment of everything you have done. You getting frustratd in the last message shows no understanding of what you have done to me"

I'm not allowed to get frustrated without it being thrown back at me that gim making me frustrated is my fecking fault. seriously do one

Much more likely that looney tunes bf tracked down guy from dating app than the other way ròund!
He seems to be picking and choosing psychological terms in order to make you feel bad and vulnerable. If you were really like that why would he want to date you? And why do you think he wants you second guessing yourself and vulnerable? Because he wants to manipulate you and control you. Please, please protect yourself and leave. Do not enter in discussions about why because he will twist everything. It's such early days and if this is his honeymoon period best behaviour I dread to think how bad his real self is! Your boundaries are so low, you need to step away until you learn what normal is. Cos he's seriously not normal!

God he really is up his own arse!! What YOU'VE done to HIM?! Mother of god, what a dick!

Well done, op, I hope you find the freedom programme useful.

Be prepared to block this man, he'll probably try to manipulate or bully you into staying with him.

why cant i help myself though, i really wish i could screen shot some of these things. i am at work and im getting grief because im not answering straight away