I am beginning to really dislike him

[Stargate456123]

This will be long, so apologies in advance. I have also NC as I'm pretty identifiable from my other UN. This is also more of a rant, I don't really have anyone to talk to irl.

OH and I have been together almost 10 years, have a 6 yr old ds, and have mostly been happy. We got together in less than conventional circumstances, I was in a terrible place mentally after waking up to how abusive my 11 year relationship was (I had become isolated from friends and family, didn't get dressed without being given the clothes I was to wear, had no access to money despite working one full time and 2 part time jobs whilst ex didn't work at all. That's a very watered down version but you get the picture) and had no confidence whatsoever. OH, for want of a better phrase, "rescued" me and made me see that I wasn't worthless.

As time has gone on he has got really miserable. Not just grumpy but really negative about everything, it's become a running joke among our friends that he's becoming a grumpy old man. We can't go anywhere, or do anything, without him finding fault and moaning about something. If we're going out for the day we can't even get to the end of our road without him having an issue about something and ranting about it...the length of the hedges, the dog excited whining, the radio station etc. Depending on what we're on our way to do depends on his level of grumpiness so if we're visiting his parents he's pretty miserable, if we're seeing my patents his level of misery and the level of ranting is pretty severe. We had a very long talk a few weeks ago about all of this, I explained that I'm finding it very draining listening to his misery all the time and he's a total mood hoover and it's making me miserable. I'm a pretty positive person but it's hard keeping it up when you have constant moaning from your significant other.

Then there is our totally differing outlooks on parenting. We've both had very alternative upbringings...he has a father who was high ranking in the prison service but thought it was acceptable to run his children like he did the prisoners, he was still is an alcoholic too so violence was the norm until OH got to an age where he could hit back. My upbringing was pretty awful, abused in all ways then placed into care when I was 10 years old until.i left the system at 18.

Anyway, I digress. So OH thinks he can assert his authority on ds, not physically, and expect ds to bow down to him because he "is the adult so what I say goes". I don't agree with this at all, I have explained that just because you have told him to do something as an adult does not make that request reasonable. I admit that I'm pretty bad at undermining but, in my mind, who else will stick up for ds? I only undermine when OH is clearly being utterly ridiculous, I know I shouldn't but I don't want ds feeling bullied. The whole relationship between them is getting out of hand, I am more a referee than OH and mother, and I'm fucking sick of it. OH seems completely incapable of backing down over anything because, in his mind, he is the adult so what he says goes.

Finally (I'm sure you'll be pleased to know 😂) the older he's got, the more insecure and paranoid he has got. He's always had an undercurrent of insecurity, every so often he drops in an accusation of cheating , is constant in his requests to know who I'm messaging etc. I've always just batted this off, I've never given him reason to think along these lines, and kind of accept that minor trust issues will be present given the beginnings of our relationship, but lately it's been off the scale. Our ds has a hobby we are both, as parents, heavily involved in. I am a committee member, oh is qualified in teaching so spend a lot of time doing stuff involving that. For some reason, that I cannot get my head around, oh has developed a real disliking for the guy who runs things and is convinced that something is going on. He is absolutely vile about him and hates any kind of conversation I have with him. We talk on messenger, my messenger is open on all devices, oh can read the conversations if he wants to as they are happening (I'm pretty sure he reads all of my messages when I'm not around but I have nothing to hide so I'm not really bothered) but chooses to spend time making snide remarks instead. This chap is 20 years older than me, absolutely not my type and I have no interest whatsoever but this doesn't stop oh making stupid comments about him becoming step dad to our ds, being my boyfriend etc. I'm fucking sick of it but I absolutely refuse to bow down to this behaviour and stop talking to this man outside of club days because oh has become so insecure and paranoid. I told oh yesterday that the issue is his to deal with, not mine, and this man is was until OH lost the plot our friend who i will not stop talking to just because he's got this weird problem all of a sudden.

This is so long but I needed to get it out. Last night, on the way home in the car, we ended up having a huge row and I couldn't stop myself looking out the window and thinking "I actually fucking hate what you've turned into right now" then wondering if I actually hate him. He has a vile mouth when he's angry too, will say the most hurtful stuff just to "win the argument" ...or so he says. Another issue I've sat him down and spoken to him at length about because the stuff he says (once told me he didn't, and never had, love me, didn't believe he was ds dad etc) sticks in my head and makes me like him less. Last night was repeated cheating accusations once again.

Is this salvageable? Is it possible to start liking someone again or is this terminal? Part of me wishes he'd fuck off and live somewhere else but then I know that if he sorted his shit out and stopped dragging me down we could, once again, be happy. The only thing he can come up with that I need to work on is stop playing on my phone and tablet in the evenings (but he's so fucking miserable that I don't want to talk to him!), apparently that is the reason for our dying relationship.

I need to stop writing now, it's getting boring for you all, but I don't have rl support as everyone thinks our relationship is wonderful there is only one person on earth who knows the tiniest bit of what he's like but her husband is his best friend so I water it down quite a lot. I'm so embarrassed it's got to this.

I'm no expert but have been through phases of this with my husband. Not as extreme and he is an amazing dad so don't have that issue. But the grumpiness and the jealousy definitely.

I'd show him your post.

Tell him you don't want to leave him but he's driving you away. Maybe that will make him come to his senses.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this relationship for you.

Its not you, its him. Abusers as well can be very plausible to those in the outside world but abuse too thrives on secrecy. Do not keep what he does a secret from others, you are basically enabling him by doing that. You have started to break down those barriers to leaving by writing about him on here.

Talk to Womens Aid and seek their advices about exiting this so called relationship.

It sounds like you basically went from one abusive relationship into yet another. This current man targeted you really because you were vulnerable and had skewed boundaries from both your childhood and being in a previously abusive relationship. He saw that and fully exploited it with his MO perhaps being that as he "rescued" you, you owe him completely.

Your own chaotic childhood also set you up well and proper into having abusive relationships too. Have you ever sought proper help with this from any professional source, you need to do that for your sake as well as your child's.

No-one in your life ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving relationship is like and you still do not know what one of those is. This relationship is certainly not a loving one, his actions are all about power and control. You've basically repeated and repeating the same old from your own childhood.

Re your comments in quote marks that I have separated out further:-

"Is this salvageable?"

No. Absolutely not.

"Is it possible to start liking someone again or is this terminal?
What is there exactly to like about him, this man targeted you deliberately. Its terminal, there is no going back from this.

"Part of me wishes he'd fuck off and live somewhere else but then I know that if he sorted his shit out and stopped dragging me down we could, once again, be happy".

Have you ever really been happy though, it does not seem like it and those good times are solely on his terms and are certainly now fewer and further between. He does this also because he can and you facilitate his life and abuse of you (and in turn your son who is picking up on all this as well). This man does not want to sort his own self out and likes having you around as his emotional punchbag. You've really known no different either from childhood.

Not suggesting you have never considered your son in all this at all but what effects is seeing all this between you two as his parents having on him?. You two are the role models for future relationships, you are the blueprint. Is this really what you want to be teaching him about relationships?. Would you want this for him as an adult, no you would not. Would you want him fully believing that the ways you have been are treated by his dad are acceptable?. You have a choice re this man, he does not.

I can't show him the thread, he hates that I read this forum and calls it "miserable mum's". It's also the only place that I have to vent because he doesn't know which poster I am so gives me a little breathing space.

The thing is he can be brilliant with ds, he goes through stages after I've told him very gently that he's turning into his dad. That's a shock enough but lasts a few weeks then we're back to square one. He's not like this with his daughter in the slightest but I guess that's because she doesn't live with us.

Stargate

And no do not show him your writings on here. You need a safe outlet.

This man you write of feel utterly entitled to act as he does and there is no reasoning with the unreasonable and paranoid. He really does want to keep you in a cage made out of his own paranoia hence his behaviours re the man from the committee meeting. You would be far better off planning your own exit from this and for that you will need support from the likes of Womens Aid.

attilla we were once incredibly happy, it's only been the past year or so that it's got this bad I don't always put up with this shit he flings at me, I am actually quite a strong personality.

Wrt my childhood, I had many years of psychiatric help and counselling and I'm pretty bloody ok about it now. It's taken a very long time, a nearly successful suicide bid, but I'm in a place to be proud of. My son will never suffer in the way I did.

If venting here happens to be all that you want, that is not going to help you or your son for that matter in the long run.

He is not brilliant with your DS at all Stargate because of the abusive treatment you cop from his dad. He is also sending your son very mixed messages.

Men like you describe can be "nice" sometimes but what you are seeing from him is the cycle of abuse; the nice never lasts long and you are in the midst still of the nice/nasty continuous cycle of abuse. He is not like this with his DD primarily because she (thankfully and likely also for good reasons) does not live with him and is therefore not one of her primary influences. Look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up, its no coincidence that you are with such a man now.

Would he agree to counselling?
Do you think he’s depressed?
Do you get much time out together (without ds or hobby)?
The cheating accusations would really hurt me and needs to be addressed. If he has no reasoning he needs to work on trust issues.
You could try to reconnect a little, maybe one night a week with no tv/phones. Play a board game/cards/cook together. It will be painful to start with (especially if mr grumpy comes out), but you can try. If it doesn’t work and your relationship comes to an end, you can justify that you tried

Sometimes we need to know when we're beaten (metaphorically, not literally). Life is too short to have to suffer this, and no, it's not salvageable.

You may be stronger outside the home but within it you are trapped, coerced and abused. Abuse is no respecter of persons either, it does not discriminate across classes and creeds. Your own chaotic background contributed also to you meeting someone like this man now, you were targeted by this current man for similar reasons and your ex was also abusive. Abusers do not all walk around with a warning written on their chest, they can be very manipulative, charming and very plausible. They can and do fool people in the outside world because of said charm. Abuse too is insidious in its onset and it is of no real surprise that he has taken time to show you who he really is.

Your son is seeing this within his home, he is learning about relationships from the two of you. You are putting up with this from this man because you are still there with him. Your son's own childhood could well be marred as a result, do you really want his primary memories to be of you being abused by his dad?. Do you really not think Stargate that you and in turn your son deserve better?. Do you really think you are this worthless?.

And no to any joint counselling either, it is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Depression also is not a free pass for him to abuse Stargate. There is no justification for his actions here towards stargate so please do not make excuses for his actions or suggest date nights.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Repeat, none.

Sounds similar to my exH. It was a 'joke' that he was a grumpy old man but now when I look back I realise it wasn't funny and he was negative about everything and everyone. And it affects the whole family.

I also got accused of cheating. Turns out he was a serial cheater. Not suggesting that's the case here, but it is common I believe, for cheaters to accuse their partners.

I think you could try counselling if he's open to it. But otherwise, life's too short to spend it with someone who makes you miserable.

I don't know attilla this is what I'm trying to figure out I've never seen him as abusive, he never used to be like this, he has genuinely got like this over the last year. I've tried to figure out if there was a trigger point for it but keep coming up with nothing.

Counselling for your own self ALONE would be helpful to you Stargate but certainly do not consider joint counselling. Even if he did attend such sessions (unlikely) he will give you no voice and such men are also adept at manipulating counsellors. This man you are with after all has managed to successfully manipulate a nice guy image of him, an image which you yourself preserve too by keeping his abuse of you secret.

This man you are with is abusive and there is no getting through to him ever. All you can do here ultimately is leave and seek help to do so from the likes of Womens Aid. He won't make it at all easy for you to leave but no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable.

Oh Stargate how horrible I think it can be salvaged but sadly not by you. Your dh is clearly carrying round some heavy baggage from his upbringing and he really needs some counselling for it as the issues seem to be getting worse as he ages. Clearly having a son now reminds him of his childhood and he's fighting between being like his Dad because that's all he knows and getting depressed because the last thing he wants to be is his Dad.
I had a very similar thing with my dh but without the constant negativity and accusations of cheating so I ploughed through it and we got there eventually. Kids are now adults and don't bear him any ill will over it. They just get that parenting didn't always come easy and that his behaviour at times when he was cross wasn't an expression of lack of love for them.

With the other stuff you are dealing with from him I'd say you have every right to safeguard your own happiness and leave so you do need to do some serious thinking and have a very honest chat with him. He will behave for a while if you threaten to leave so I'd make it an absolute condition that you don't move forwards together without him having a counsellor booked.

No, there was no trigger point as such, after a certain point in time his mask slipped. There were also likely red flags re him before that happened too but due to your own boundary issues either minimised or not recognised the red flags. He hid his true nature from you very well and presented you with an act, a mirage. Instead of leaving you alone as he should have done, he decided to manipulate you and have you believing that he is a nice person when he is infact a wolf in sheep's clothing. He rescuing you was anything but and took that to think that you owe him completely, he is I think scarily similar to your ex. Not precisely of the same type but the MO was the same and the effects on you are the same too.

attilla I don't think he would make leaving difficult but he'd have to be the one to go which would be more challenging I'm sure.

I wish he would have counselling, his father was a horrible example and he HATES him, he had counselling last year when something terrible happened with his dd....woah penny drop

Why do you think he would not make leaving difficult?. Why would he leave anyway, he has you to cook and clean up after him as well. Why would he want to give that all up?. He put a lot of work into getting you to this low point and he is not going to readily want to put the work into manipulating someone else in the ways you have been. That all takes time and effort. You could get him out, its not insurmountable but he in all likelihood will make that process as long and protracted as possible. Even after separation he could well persist in being difficult re maintenance and access.

He is not going to have counselling unless he himself decides that it is necessary or wants to fully engage with it. Also he will likely need years of therapy and there are no guarantees here in any case that it will succeed. Counselling with abusers has a very low success rate overall and is shown in many cases to be completely worthless.

Anyway enough about him in all this, what about you?. You and your son matter. The fact that you cannot answer what it is that you get out of this relationship is also very telling.

I agree with Attila (as usual ) - you’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another.

Did you get any counselling when you left your previous abusive relationship? Have you read any Lundy Bancroft? Done the Freedom Programme?

Would suggest you seek your own legal advice re the finances and property. Whose house is it anyway?.

We rent.
No I went straight from ex to current relationship. Part of my counselling incorporated said previous relationship but nothing specific.

It's really sad to think this could be it, it started off so well and has been great for 9 years odd. I pick him up on his behaviour, refuse to be pulled into mind games (he will change how a conversation actually went to suit his point...gaslighting?....) however I absolutely do not allow this to go unchallenged.

I need to leave the conversation for a bit because I have loads I need to do with ds but I will be back later. Talking about this is really helping.

"I pick him up on his behaviour, refuse to be pulled into mind games (he will change how a conversation actually went to suit his point...gaslighting?....) however I absolutely do not allow this to go unchallenged".

As I suggested you basically went from one abusive relationship into yet another. It was not of the same type and this man is different to your ex but he is abusive all the same. He is another wolf here in sheep's clothing and in supposedly rescuing you as he did he has also tried to condemn you to remaining in another abusive relationship. He is truly the lowest of the low amongst men.

You are condoning this by remaining with him. He knows that you are not going to readily leave him. The only person you can help here is you and that is by leaving him. Challenging him like you are doing does not work and will simply wear you down further as well as opening you up to being further abused by him. He is using all manner of techniques here on you including gaslighting which is a form of psychological abuse. He is well on his way to completely destroying you from the inside out, a process too that began long ago with your own chaotic based childhood.

Its sad that this counselling was not specific enough in that it did not seemingly also recommend Womens Aid or their Freedom Programme.

If you do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and I would certainly recommend that you do, do not leave it anywhere where he can find it. Leave this book at your workplace, do not leave it anywhere within your house.

How can you be helped in leaving this man?. Womens Aid are well worth contacting here. Their calls are confidential and you will also not be at all judged.

I read this. I see and hear myself. All of it.

The confusion over his good bits vs the very clear emotional crap you have to endure in the name of a relationship! Thing is, we are told not to endure it, that we don’t have to endure it, to walk away - but we were raised in it, and it feels wrong but bearable as a result. There’s something in people like us that has no desire to truly free ourselves from it because it is what we know.

I look at other, balanced relationships of friends and colleagues. I’ve become awestruck by people who sit together on the sofa after a day at work and have no drama. Just a gentle companionship. I give everything to the relationship and get bugger all by way of peace of mind.

I have no clue how I’ve gone through life with mentally abusive men. They are clearly attracted to me as my stupidity/vulnerability/tolerance enables them to do what they always do. Do they know they’re abusive? Is it deliberate?

I suspect your DP knows he’s fucked up and why - is he going to revert back to the loving rescuer?

Do you think now you’re obviously strong and a good mum and wanting a ‘normal’ level of equilibrium and he’s not now seeing himself as the hero that stepped in to give you a proper relationship, thus no longer calling the shots/controlling everything - he knows the game is up?

I’m at that point after yet another weekly round of emotional abuse! He’s let the mask slip and because someone else heard him - he knows he can’t continue.

I’m bewildered knowing this is it and yet I am still bargaining in the hope I’m wrong. That the beautiful will return - I don’t think the beautiful can have even been real - just part of a charming act for everyone else to view him as normal and not the grumpy old man he’s becoming. I’ve masked a lot by my very existence. Made him look like a great guy in a loving relationship and a role model to my son. Who in private throws things at me and says he wants to punch me in the face because I stood up for myself when he was being a hypocrite.

Of course, I don’t know you but know you deserve better. Of course, I want your DS to be unscathed.

I guess I just wanted you to know that others too have this battle. It’s hard to just walk away. My friend asked me to consider what I’d say and do to a friend in this position, and though I know damned well I’d be asking what the fucking hell she was putting up with it for, it’s been 3 months of bargaining in my own head, minimising, refusing to accept that he’s genuinely abusive. Disbelieving I allowed myself to roll up the unfurled red flags.

So, I’m not the best to give advice here. But I hear you and wish you the best OP.

For the record, I’m not sure he’ll stop being a grumpy old man. My DS’s dad turned into this and after a couple of years of resentment, buggered off with a work colleague half my age! I spent years trying to please the unpleaseable and he did that!

Roll up current commitment phobe who abused the loophole that I was going to work really hard on trust and not be a rattling jealous moron! So, he’s rubbed other women in my face instead. Lied about them to me, messed with my head. Told his family and friends I have issues with other women. My issue is with his lies. Not the women who mostly don’t know I existed and thought he was single!

I don’t know the answer. I want to succeed in a happy balanced relationship and hope I get it. I hope this man pulls his finger out for you and you get a good outcome. It would be great to think it’s possible.

Best wishes.

Why do so many women with abusive controlling husbands say "he's a great father". He's not! Being a great father (or mother) is being the best you can be every single day, week in week out, year after year. You may not be the best parent but you're doing your best.
OP, your husband is horrible. Is this what you want for you and your child for the rest of your life?