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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please!!

21 replies

Nicole1991 · 22/07/2018 06:16

Hi everyone I looking for a bit of advice on what to do and if I'm making too much of a big deal out of this.

Last sunday my other half went out to watch the football and was suppose to be home about 6ish. He ignored my phonecall and stayed out until about half 9ish then came home really drunk and passed out on the sofa (bit annoyed he didn't let me know he was staying out a bit later but no big deal) anyway a week passes and I'm tidying up in our living room and come across two small bags of cocaine on the side down by the sofa, may I add I am so against any drug and I also have 18 month old in the house. The small table it was left on usually has a folded up blanket on top which is why I only just found it as he had moved it off. I asked my partner and at first he tried to deny all knowledge then finally admitted that he had bought it when he was drunk but didn't use it and had forgot he put it there, he also said he doesn't do it and has no idea why he decided to buy it. Now as far as I knew he wasn't into any of that stuff especially as he knows how I feel about it. I'm just struggling to know what to do now? We have had a huge argument over it and I can't just drop it, all I can think is what if my son got hold of that and also just the lies from him. I don't really know what the point of this thread is I just want some advice really.

OP posts:
byanyothernamerose · 22/07/2018 06:56

Is your child also his child? If he isn't then I would get rid of him, anyone who puts your child in danger like that should not be in your home.

Original poster
Nicole1991 · 22/07/2018 07:06

Hello

yes it is his son, he's 18 months old and into everything so could easily have found it if I didn't first!

OP posts:
Frosty66612 · 22/07/2018 07:08

I personally wouldn’t believe that he doesn’t use it and has no idea why he bought it. People get drunk all the time without buying themselves 2 bags of cocaine

bigchris · 22/07/2018 07:11

It's not the first time either
How would he know how to buy it

UghFletcher · 22/07/2018 07:15

How did he know where / who to buy it from if he doesn't use it?

I would be going absolutely orbital, his stupidity is beyond comprehension. What if your child had got hold of it?

Get rid, you don't need that kind of disrespect or worry in your life.

Original poster
Nicole1991 · 22/07/2018 07:15

I agree, I said this exact thing to him. I'm genuinely ashamed and embarrassed to be linked to him and it's got me questioning everything. He's apologised of course and said it was a stupid mistake and won't happen again but surprisingly enough I don't believe him. Just at a bit of a wall on what to do, do I leave? Do I trust him not to do it again and stay? We have been together 9 years and I just feel really let down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicole1991 · 22/07/2018 07:24

Unfortunately it's a friend of his that is known for selling it, they were both out at the same place that evening. It makes me feel sick that he potentially does this as a regular thing while he's outband I knew nothing about it.

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 22/07/2018 07:24

Have you noticed any behaviours before that could indicate drug use? Or was his behaviour last week different? Could have been the people he was with use and know where to get it and he went along with it.

Original poster
Nicole1991 · 22/07/2018 07:28

No nothing out of the ordinary really, he isn't a regular drinker but when he does go out he always gets really drunk, it's never just a couple of drinks. I know when he's out that alot of his friends do it and one in particular sells it which is where he got it from. I just find it really hard to believe that someone who never does it suddenly decides after having a drink that they are going to buy it. I know nothing about the stuff but he said it was £50 worth. Is this a lot? I'm clueless!!

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 22/07/2018 07:29

How often does he go out and who with?

Cocaine is pretty common place with even the most unsuspecting people and professions. Do you think it's maybe something his friends do too?

For me the issue here is less him doing/buying coke on a night out but being so drunk that it was left where the baby could get it. He's a grown adult who can make his own choices regardless of whether you approve or not.

You've all been so lucky here that you found it first, does he feel any shame or guilt about what a close call you all had?

avocadoincident · 22/07/2018 07:30

Sorry cross post thereBlush

Original poster
Nicole1991 · 22/07/2018 07:35

Hi yes i just mentioned above that people he would have been out with do it to and also one that sells it which is where he got it from. Yes he says he feels awful and everything else but to be honest i dont think he actually realises how serious this cold have been. Hes done all his grovelling now hes sort of telling me to stop going on about it. I cant stop thinking about how horrbily wrong this could have gone.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2018 07:42

Why are you and he still together now, he seems to have little to no respect for you and in turn your child whatsoever. What if your son had found this rather than you?. This man should not be in your home.

Why is this man still with you at all? Your boundaries seem very low and you have put up with other rubbish behaviours from him that should not be at all tolerated.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2018 07:44

He wants you to drop it, he is not at all remorseful here nor indeed is showing any real responsibility for his actions. Get this man out of your and your son's lives; this man is putting drugs before either of you.

avocadoincident · 22/07/2018 07:45

It's a horrible situation for you to be in💛❤️💙and sending you lots of love, and for me it wouldn't be a deal breaker as a one off incident (as long as all's well in the relationship normally).

But I would be extra vigilant around the house, checking down the sofa and his bedside table etc. And if it happened again it would be over.

Also you could consider how your family finances are organised. If you had joint accounts you may have more of an idea on how much he spends on nights out which would indicate if he's buying cocaine.

If you are going to stay together I guess you do have to move on and stop making him suffer over it, but like I said I'd be frantically checking nooks and crannies to keep the little one safe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2018 07:54

I think your relationship is already over Nicole bar the shouting. He is putting his social life and associated drug user friends above your son and you. On a wider level what sort of role model exactly is he to your son if he is using?. Would you want your son to be further exposed to his dad's drug usage, I would hope not. You should not at all tolerate this from him either.

Original poster
Nicole1991 · 22/07/2018 09:24

All valid points. I think I know what I need to do. Thank you for all the advice it's appreciated Smile

OP posts:
byanyothernamerose · 22/07/2018 11:23

I am so sorry OP...what a horrible situation to find yourself in. Sending hugs and support...❤️

Iloveyoubaby26 · 22/07/2018 11:41

A friend of mine is going through this but they dont have a child together. She found out that he regually takes coke and has been for about a year and she didnt have a clue!! They have been together about 5 years and was trying for a baby. Only found out becasue of money going missing and him staying out much longer and he admitted it all in the end.
Shes currently looking for her own place to live. If i was you id get rid no way would i have him around my child knowing he brings that into the house its his own doing he knows hes got a child and responsibilities at home but yet does stuff like this!

Original poster
Nicole1991 · 22/07/2018 12:13

Thank you. Yes pretty horrible situation to be in but I think what I news to remember is that he's put me in this situation and it's not my fault. Its hard when you have been together so long and have a child together, I know he's not a bad person at all but he's made poor choices in the past and this has got to be the lowest hes stooped so far. I wish it was as easy as kicking hik out but unfortunately it's his house, not mine so will have to move back to my parents with my son. I've asked him to move out for a week so I can sort all our stuff out. I'm just so disappointed and angry that he's done this. Is wanting and having a happy family too much to ask for these days Sad

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 22/07/2018 13:40

You've been very brave already and moving back with your parents will give you some extra support during this time 🌸

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