There are other problems in the marriage and I'm thinking we have reached the end of the line. Just want to make sense of this one aspect of my husband. Is this just basic incompatibility? How common is it for someone to be like this? So as not to dripfeed, the other main problems are his past and present record of financial unreliability (self employed and struggling but does not want to get a job and whenever he has had a job in the past it never lasted) and a lack of sex.
So here it is. We never plan anything. I don't expect a detailed five year plan but have realised I have no idea what he wants from life. He bumbles along. We bumble along. When I think of the future with him I can't picture a single thing.
His catchphrase is "relax" or "no rush" or "let's wait and see". Conversations to try to include him in plans or collaborate on plans are infuriating for me. There is a willingness to agree to things in principle. But a reluctance to move forward.
If we ever do anything or go anywhere it's because I organise and book it. In which case he often enjoys it but never acknowledges that I put the effort in to get us there or that it was a good idea. He is low level negative as a person so I always feel that whatever the outing is was not quite worth the bother/cost. He will not ever SAY that he really enjoyed anything which does make me feel it's a bit pointless. When asked he will say he enjoyed it and thank me in a cursory but civil way. He is equally happy to do nothing and has no problem with me doing things with my friends instead. But he likes spending time with me and he would like me to keep him company. I suppose I feel we "should" do these things together sometimes. If he sees that I'm really bored and climbing the walls (I am more sociable and he is a homebody) he might suggest going somewhere at the last minute, but never before.
That's the day to day.
But even long term, it's maddening. We rent and he says it's not forever... But can never ever give me a ballpark figure of how long. He is vague when pressed.
Clearly he is just not a "planner" - I am a "planner" by nature but am trying to go with the flow. When I do this nothing happens. I try this a lot but it ends up feeling like I have no say in my own life and I don't feel like me.
His business isn't going well but there's no plan B and again, no concrete assurances or timescales. Nothing he can be held to.
He was vague about getting engaged and married but I will be honest and say I pushed for this. I wanted these things with him and he didn't want to lose me. Similarly for children. I hardly knew if he really wanted them or not. He couldn't be pinned down - one conversation might have me asking him and him saying yes, another one he seemed not sure. In any case there was no definite, no plan. We've ended up with two children and I feel I pushed him into that too. I know he's glad we did have children but he can't even bring himself to say that really. It feels like he can't be enthusiastic about anything that I'm involved in. I really don't think he's depressed, it's just him. He drags his feet. I feel that I push and nag or get frustrated.
I don't know - it's a mix of lazy, non-communicative, non-committal, curmudgeon, introvert, procrastinater...... But (in case it doesn't already sound like I don't like him enough!) I can't shake off the feeling that there is something more. Something cruel about it. I can't look forward to anything. I feel he would prefer to just string me along and doesn't like to see me excited or buzzing about anything. I think he feels trapped by the thought of that.